Get Through
by MissNightshade144
Summary: What if Emily Prentiss never had an abortion? And how would it change her life when twenty-two years later, she's reunited with her child in one of the worst possible ways? How do her feelings for her blonde, blue-eyed colleague fit into all this? When life throws all it can at you, all you can hope for is to just get through. Femslash, see full warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N okay, this is an idea that's been hovering around inside my head for a while now, and I had to get it off my chest now. It's a new concept, but I hope you guys enjoy it, and I see so many places I could take this story. It will follow the basic CM canon, except for one thing; **_**Emily Prentiss never had an abortion!**_** I may not be able to update this as often as my other story, What a Difference a Day Makes, what with the new school year approaching and such other realities, but I will try to keep it regularly up to date. As a warning this story will mention sexual abuse, cutting, and some coarse language, so consider yourselves forewarned, the rating may change to M in the future because of it. I hope you like it!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, the only thing I own is my new OC and a crazy mind!**

Get Through

Chapter One

I staggered down the stairs of the jet behind Reid and Gideon, the weight of the day finally making itself known. I hadn't planned on spending my first day jetting off to Guantanamo to help interrogate a known terrorist, but if this job had taught me anything in the first few hours, it was to be prepared for anything. My hand subconsciously rubbed at my temple, trying to combat the building headache that was brewing like a gathering storm, with each rumble of thunder and flash of lightning a dull slap of pain. After the long and stressful day I had, the only things I wanted right now were a long soak in my bathtub and a good night's rest. Unfortunately, there was still a mountain of paperwork I still had to fill out before the day was done. I arrived at my desk in the bullpen area, hardly able to hold my eyes open to read the file in front of me, making it equally difficult to discern the blurry shape of a cup placed in front of me on my desk. My tired eyes fixated on the angelic face of the communications liaison, Jennifer Jareau smiling down at me, holding the cup of steaming hot coffee out to me.

"Hey, you looked like you needed this" simply her close proximity woke me up faster than coffee ever could, sending a bolt of adrenaline through my veins. I licked my lips subconsciously as I casually fixed my hair, blinking multiple times to make sure this wasn't some hallucination caused by my overtired mind.

"My God you are a lifesaver!" I moaned, eagerly welcoming the rousing effects of the caffeine. It took a few seconds for the professionalism that my parents had instilled within me to snap me back into my 'Agent Prentiss' mindset. "Thank you Agent Jareau." I gave her a cool smile and nodded professionally, trying to suppress the fluttering of butterflies as I caught the light, floral scent of her skin.

"Hey, it's JJ to you." she fake-scolded, wagging a friendly finger at me as she leaned over my desk, inadvertently giving me a much better view of her erm, assets.

_My God, does this woman know what she's doing to me? Keep a handle on it Em, she's your colleague, she's straight, and it's your first day at this job! The team is just beginning to trust you, and I've worked so hard to get here, you don't need to screw this up for yourself by falling for your co-worker!_

I snapped out of my mental conversation to see JJ still standing there expectantly, waiting for me to respond.

"Of course, thanks JJ. I'm just…" I trailed off, trying for the right word.

"Exhausted? Yeah this job will do that to you. But how did you like your first day?" she asked, her blue eyes soft with empathy. Everyone here knew how overwhelming the first day at this job can be.

"Okay, it's not every day that you get to help stop a terrorist plot and save hundreds of lives, I count that as a pretty good first day." I sighed, fiddling with the files on the desk in front of me to occupy my mind away from less than professional thoughts about the stunning blonde beside me.

"Well hold on to it, it's these cases that help us through all those that don't end as well. Here, you're falling asleep on your feet, head home, I'll finish these up." She offered kindly. My heart melted at the kindness and generosity of her offer, but then my rational, and slightly defensive, side leapt into action

"Hey, just because I'm new doesn't mean I need to get special treatment!" I replied, perhaps a little too strongly, but I felt the overpowering need to prove I belonged here.

"It's not special treatment, you can't work effectively when you're this tired, so go get some rest. It's no problem; these will take me five minutes at most to finish up. Go home Em." She placed her hand on my shoulder in a friendly gesture. The rush of butterflies at the contact distracted me enough that I didn't notice her snatch the files up off my desk and walk away, not giving me much choice. She gave me a mischievous wink out of the corner of her eye before heading into her office.

"Damnit Jareau." I chuckled to myself, secretly delighting in the many meanings the phrase had while gathering up my bags and leaving the new desk behind. On my way out, I noticed the fact that everyone else was gone; even Hotch's office was dark. It told me something about my blonde coworker that she stayed later than the boss. I allowed the profiler in me to run with that tidbit of knowledge as I got in my car and drove to my apartment. I walked up the steps to the entrance, trying not to trip over my own feet out of pure exhaustion. The room was empty, void of all the hustle and bustle of the BAU, and I savored the silence. Just the simple peace and quiet that accompanied the sense of home numbed my pounding head and aching feet. My first impulse was to head to the marble bathroom and draw a steaming hot bath before looking for a bottle of my favorite red wine. I had barely picked up the glass before the telephone let out a shrill cry that echoed through the empty air. Slightly miffed at the relaxed atmosphere being destroyed, I searched it out, sweeping the phone off the cradle and into the palm of my hand in one swift motion.

"Hello?" I asked right after picking it up, trying not to show my tension.

"Hello, is this Emily Prentiss speaking?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"Yes, it is." I replied. This person didn't sound like a telemarketer, so the exact motive of the call was unknown to me. That sixth sense inside my head told me there was more to this call than someone trying to sell air conditioners or a wrong number.

"I'm calling from St. Jude's Hospital, you were the only next-of-kin we could find, and it took us a while to track you down. Your daughter was brought in by a civilian, she was found on the street coughing up blood-" the female voice continued, not really seeming like the type to stop and let the other person take in the information she was currently spewing like a fountain.

"Wait a minute, daughter? I think you may have me mistaken. I don't have a daughter." I was thoroughly confused. I don't have a daughter. And having a kid running around isn't one of those things you just forget.

"Yes, the name on the adoption records is Prentiss, Emily Prentiss. Are you saying I have the wrong Emily Prentiss?" Adoption? Adoption… like a row of dominoes, a chain reaction set off within my mind, taking me back to the faded memories of my childhood, and the incident overseas that was the undoing of it. That single word transported me back twenty-two years. To a mansion in Italy where I shamefully told my mother I had gotten myself pregnant at fifteen. To the argument we had where she told me to "take care of it." And get an abortion before people began finding out, and where I flat-out refused, because I couldn't bring myself to kill the defenseless life within me. To the plane ticket she gave me, told me to go back home and stay with my father in Washington D.C. because "It looks bad for an Ambassador to have a daughter who's fifteen and pregnant." To the days in the D.C. high school where I cowered from the insults hurled from my fellow students as soon as my belly began to show. To the hospital room where I lay after an excruciating thirty hours of labor, when they took my baby away without even letting me see it, without even letting me know whether it was a boy or a girl. A wave of heartbreak and shock washed over me as I relived the pain of having my child taken from me and sent away. Everything about that was painful, and I had buried it so deep that I hardly even remembered it.

_What kind of crappy human being forgets that she gave birth to a child?_

The little voice inside my head taunted me, before reasoning with itself seconds later

_The same kind of crappy human being that buries all her troubles so far that it's impossible not to forget about them._

Like earlier in the bullpen with JJ, I was snapped out of my mental conversation by the woman on the other end of the telephone waiting for a response. In an ashamed voice not unlike the one I used when I admitted the pregnancy to my mother so long ago, I spoke up.

"Yes, you have the right Emily Prentiss." I was struggling so hard to fit all this into my little compartments. "What's wrong?"

"Like I said she was brought in off the street coughing up blood, we're still running tests." I couldn't quite hear her voice, it had become a tinny buzz in the back of my head, completely overwhelmed by the information I was given. Coughing up blood was bad right? It was really bad. How could I have a child, then have her nearly die, all with me barely knowing? I could feel the room slowly sway like a carnival ride as I began to hyperventilate out of pure shock. There was one piece of information I had yet to discover.

"Excuse me, before you hang up, what's her name?" my mouth was dry, and I could barely stand any longer, let alone talk. I had never named her, I didn't even know she was a her, and I felt like such a horrible person for having to ask. Of course that horrible feeling wasn't helped at all when the person on the other line gave a disapproving grunt.

"Tegan." Tegan, Tegan Prentiss. The line went dead, and I assumed that meant I should go to the hospital. I couldn't believe it, it was all so surreal. I was going to meet the daughter that was taken from me twenty two years ago, and I had no idea how it could go. And that scared the crap out of me.

**A/N so there you have it! I felt like the beginning was a little rusty for me, but fear not! I know where I'm going with this! As a sidenote, I have no idea if the hospital I mentioned is real or not, I made it up. it does have a meaning though, it's kinda like an Easter Egg (I have a thing for dropping little tidbits with deeper meaning like this into my stories) St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes. Ominous and foreboding much? Until next time,**

**-Nightshade**

**A/N how was that? I'm a little uncertain about it, so I'm gonna let your reviews tell me if it was up to par. Please review, I love your feedback!**

**-Nightshade**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N hello again! Just one thing to clear up before I continue with the story, a question posed in one of the reviews. No, Emily's daughter's last name isn't Prentiss (that would be kind of obvious wouldn't it!) Emily was just kind of mentally rambling, putting two and two together; I hoped to clarify that in this chapter anyway though! And ahead of time, I'll say that I'm not a doctor, so any medical stuff I've included, despite being researched to the nth degree and my utter obsession with all the medical gobbledygook, it may not all be totally accurate. In the famous words of Penelope Garcia **_**"I'm not a doctor, I don't even play one on TV,"**_

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, that pleasure belongs to CBS!**

Get Through

Chapter Two

The drive to the hospital consisted of a lot of ranting to myself, telling myself to relax and get over all the insecurities I deemed insignificant. A Prentiss never loses it; a Prentiss stays calm and rational. The lessons drilled into my head as a child were my mantra now, the only things keeping me tethered to my rationality.

The hospital I arrived at was in a seedier part of town, surrounded by dark derelict buildings that loomed around like a gang of menacing assailants. The streets around were littered with detritus, blowing along like miniature tornadoes in the metallic, humid breeze. Dealers slunk about in the shadowy alleys while prostitutes strutted up and down the sidewalks like ragged tropical birds.

The entryway to the hospital was lit by the only working streetlight, the building itself surrounded by scraggly yet cared for gardens, and made up of clean grey walls, a diamond among the urban dirt. I wondered why on earth my daughter had been sent to this hospital out of all the hospitals in D.C., it wasn't in the best area. The entrance was beside the entry for a free clinic, which was cheery and lit up, providing a safe port in the storm of neglect. I walked to the dimly lit nurses' station to ask.

"Excuse me, can you tell me which room Tegan Prentiss is in?" the young woman on the opposite side of the desk gave me a quick glance before tapping on her computer keyboard.

She fixed me with an apologetic gaze. "Sorry ma'am, there's no one here under that name." I quirked my eyebrow in confusion.

"I was called, apparently my daughter's here undergoing tests, my name is Emily Prentiss, my daughter, Tegan is supposed to be here." I insisted, watching the young nurse mutter something apologetically before turning back to her computer. I must have raised my voice, since I noticed several doctors and nurses glance up from their work to stare at me. They slowly tore their gazes away, all except for one. A young, dark-skinned man in scrubs fixed me with a haunted gaze before walking towards me.

"Ms. Prentiss?" he asked politely as he stepped up beside me. "I'm Dr. Sayles, I'm a surgeon on your daughter's case. Her last name is Vanner, that's why it didn't show up in the computer." Wait a minute, surgeon?

"Wha-what do you mean surgery, she needs surgery?" the maternal side of me that I had repressed so long was flaring up with a vengeance, the worry for my child was all-consuming now.

"I'm just consulting ma'am, we're still waiting for the results of her tests." He reassured me while walking. "Ms. Vanner's preliminary blood counts and liver function tests are alarming, so we're doing a liver biopsy to confirm the diagnosis." I gave her up, I should have fought harder, maybe she wouldn't be here then. Each footstep towards the room became a smack of fresh guilt.

"The diagnosis of what?" I snapped out of worry. I was not anywhere versed in medical knowledge; I had no idea what he was talking about. The young man waved his hand towards a patient room, at the small slit of a window in the door.

"Liver disease." He admitted, but as I looked into the window, anything else he may have said was inaudible over the thundering pulse in my ears.

The woman on the other side of the door was so skinny she looked like she could be sixteen, not twenty-two. Her skin was nearly translucent, pale with a yellowish tinge like a piece of aged paper. The tips of her black-brown hair were dyed silvery-white, and the makeup was smudged around her tired steely eyes, the whites of which were a milky yellow. She moved in a jerky, sickly manner, as she wrung her bony hands through the cheap papery hospital blanket. Her skinny arms were peppered by pink puckered scars crisscrossing her forearms like shoelaces and nearly invisible needle marks hidden in the bend of her elbow. I swore I could almost hear her breathing, brittle and grating and hoarse that tore at her thin, chapped lips with each rush of air. My stomach clenched at the sight, and I forced away the nauseous feeling at the guilt. I gave up my daughter, but between now and then so much had happened to her, what had happened to cause her to end up like this?

"Oh… my g-god…" I choked out, and the doctor gave me a firmer look.

"She was admitted by a fellow working girl, coughing up blood. Further tests indicated that they were esophageal varices caused by cirrhosis of her liver. She tested positive for hepatitis C, most likely contracted via her intravenous drug use, but the damage to her liver… the biopsy will confirm it, but I'm almost certain that it's had significant alcohol damage as well." He clarified, and most of the medical speak flew right over my head. The little I understood was enough though. Her liver was damaged badly and she's addicted to IV drugs. Of all the things I had been worried out when the thought of meeting my daughter first came to mind, none of these were it.

"What's with the yellow on her skin and eyes?" I probed as I paced anxiously, trying desperately to remain diplomatic and calm while I slowly died inside.

"Jaundice caused by the liver damage." He clarified, as I slowly tried to catch my breath. A statement buried in the earlier conversation finally cropped up within my mind.

"Wait… you said that she was brought in by a _fellow_ working girl, do you mean that…" I trailed off, fighting the guilt-precipitated nausea again.

"She didn't admit it, but when you live around here, you know what a prostitute looks like."

That was it, the straw that broke my back, the word that sent me bolting down the hall, sprinting at full speed towards the nearest bathroom. Kneeling on the floor in utter agony, I retched and coughed into the porcelain bowl in front of me. I gave up any shred of control as I let out a moan and a whimper, though refusing to let out any more than that, no tears no nothing. Sour bile burned at the back of my throat and I tried not to be sick again.

This was not happening! I have seen how cruel life can be, seen the sheer evil that humanity is capable of, but to see my daughter, the person who I was supposed to protect, so utterly broken, in such an unkempt state. I was supposed to protect her! The thoughts, the blame running circles in my head made it harder to keep under control, so I tried, I tried to shove it all away like I always do and focus on something better, but I couldn't compartmentalize this. Still I pulled myself up off the floor, made sure I was presentable, and entered the hall again where the doctor still waited.

"I understand it's a lot to process. Do you want to meet her?" the statement itself was a contradiction, reassuring me he understood how heavy an emotional burden I carried, yet adding more baggage at the same time while still expecting me to stand tall with all this weighing on my shoulders.

I began to shake my head before I could even speak. I couldn't, not right now, I couldn't meet the child that I had let down so grievously. There was just too much, and even I had limits, I couldn't cope with all this. I couldn't enter that room and act like the sick and dying girl was the same child in my womb I secretly read Vonnegut and sang to.

"No." I declined, before turning on my heel and walking down the hall, trying to put as much distance between reality and I as possible.

**A/N uh-oh, Em's daughter isn't exactly shiny and happy! But how much has she been through and what caused her to end up like this? All that and more shall be answered soon! I wish I could have fit some Jemily in here, but I didn't want to overwhelm the chapter, and I figured I'd put enough info in already. Oh, and the medical stuff, cirrhosis is the forming of scar tissue within the liver, blocking normal blood flow. Because the blood flow is blocked, it increases the blood pressure in that artery, backing it up into the vessels in the esophagus. They're more delicate and not built for the higher pressures, so they rupture, forming the varices. Enjoy!**

**-Nightshade**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N wow! Thank you for all the reviews! And I'm sorry for the delay, it feels like I've been working on this chapter forever! I hope you continue to enjoy the story, and I'm glad to have surprised everyone with that little twist there. Tegan's got more damage to be revealed, let's hope Em can handle it all.**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, CBS does.**

Get Through

Chapter Three

The next day at work was a shock to the system, arriving in the roundtable room with the picture of a murdered prostitute up on the big screen, like a smack in the face. Ever since the start of this case, I had retreated far behind my walls, trying to mediate the battle raging inside of me. My head was worried if the team noticed me shutting down, they'd assume I wasn't tough enough for the job, and lose what little trust they had in me. But my heart was aching so badly, every glance at the mutilated body reminded me how Tegan was here too, if she wasn't in the hospital, she would be smack-dab in the middle of this sicko's hunting grounds. The idea of her showing up as the next victim was so horrific I couldn't even broach the thought. By the end of the case I was totally drained, emotionally and physically. I hadn't slept for the entire time we worked the case, and I knew it was apparent in the concerned looks of Derek and JJ that it was showing. A cup of coffee appeared magically upon my desk, and I just barely spotted the blonde communications liaison walking away to her office, a light sway in her hips. I hadn't even the energy to ogle. I looked back down at the coffee cup, teasing the sticky note free from the lid

"_You looked like you needed this. If you ever need to talk, I'm free. 647-492-9059, JJ"_

I tucked the sticky note away, not really having the energy to over-analyze her motives for leaving it like I usually would. As I placed it in my desk drawer I noticed the blinking light on my phone signaling I had missed a call. I reluctantly listened to it, it was the hospital calling, asking me to call them back. I shot a wary glance around the BAU, seeing my co-workers hard at work, hunched over their respective desks. No matter how distracted they were, the office was not the place to make this call. I snuck away from my desk, quiet as a church mouse, and into the unoccupied ladies restroom. Leaning up against the cheap countertop, I dialed, listening as each press of the button echoed eerily through the empty space.

"Hello? This is Emily Prentiss, you left a message earlier, it sounded urgent." I nibbled anxiously on the edge of my fingernail as I waited for a response.

"Yes, it is. The results of the biopsy just came back, your daughter's in liver failure. We could try drugs, there are a couple experimental treatments out there, but her best option for survival is a liver transplant." The doctor's voice sounded grim, as if he were delivering bad news. He said treatment which means she can get better, why does his voice stir up a storm of dread within me?

"Okay, so why do you sound like someone just died? It's treatable right?" I was pacing now, gnawing on my cuticle to prevent myself from rambling. I wanted about a thousand answers, and asking them all at the same time would get me nowhere.

"You see Ma'am, there are huge wait lists for organ transplants, and transplant boards are very reticent to give out organs to patients with alcohol problems because of how risky it is, and how likely they are to damage the new organ too. Which is why there's a six month period in which a patient must be sober for them to be eligible to receive an organ, your daughter isn't anywhere near six months sober." So what is he saying? That she's going to die? The unnamed feeling brewing deep within me made sense now, I knew I had seen it before and I knew now what it was. I felt like a mother, a scared mom when her child was in danger. I never thought about myself as a mom, I gave birth to a child, which makes me a mother; it does not make me a mom. Moms were supposed to tuck their kids into bed every night, give them goodnight kisses, and keep them safe, not abandon them. I wasn't a mom, but at the same time I was. A knock at the door disturbed my panic, and a muffled voice came through.

"Em, is that you in there? It's JJ, can we talk?" damn. I cupped my hand over the phone's speaker to stifle the noise as I yelled back.

"I'm kinda busy here!" I called back, before letting out a sigh. I couldn't hear footsteps walking away from the door, she was waiting. "So what are you saying?" I returned to the doctor's urgent voice over the phone.

"I'm saying that it's nearly impossible for her to get a donated liver. And without a liver in the next month or so, she's going to be dead. There's another option though…" he trailed off mysteriously.

"What?" I snapped, clearly losing my patience. He can't tell me she's good as dead and then trail off!

"A family donor." A few seconds of silence followed this statement, and it was so quiet I could hear JJ's even breathing on the other side of the door.

"You're her only family Agent Prentiss; you're the only one who can save her. If you consent to it, we'll need you in here for a biopsy and some tests to ensure you're a viable donor. You can come in later this week to sign the forms and then we'll schedule the rest from there. I'm terribly sorry for all that's happening Ma'am." His condolences at the end sounded dry, as if they were more of a routine than actual feelings, and they fell on empty ears. I had retreaded so far within my head that I hardly noticed him hang up the phone. I'm the only one who can save her? Last time I had her life in my hands I let her slip away, what makes anyone think that I should be doing it again? JJ entered, taking in my catatonic appearance, before gently taking the phone from my hand and hanging it up.

"Emily, tell me what's wrong." It was an order, veiled in softness and care, the type of voice that said "I'm doing this for your own good." But she had inadvertently done the wrong thing. I was like an animal, backed into a corner and guarding its secrets.

"It's nothing!" I defended feebly, lashing out angrily while trying to twist away from her soft grip on my wrist. "Let me go JJ!" it lacked all the rage and forcefulness I had aimed for, ending up sounding more like a pathetic mewl than a request.

"Stop fighting me Em! Something's wrong, I know that for sure, please tell me what it is, maybe I can help?" she pleaded, making it hard for me to be defensive when she was so open and pure. But it was a knee-jerk reaction to push those away when they got close to my walls.

"JJ please, don't do this." My voice was low and desperate, practically begging her. I tried to leave again, only to feel her grip on my wrist firm up, and pull me back. Her other hand was holding my arm, and her body pinned me to the wall, effectively trapping me where I stood. I tried to remain focused on what was currently going on, as I battled the urge to give myself over to the sensations wracking my body at the feel of her lithe, muscular figure pressed against mine.

"You're not sleeping, you can barely look at the case photos, you keep getting mysterious phone calls, you're distracted all the time, you're biting your nails-" she held up my hand with the bloody, gnawed nails to drive her point home, "you're upset, and everyone else has noticed too! So please just tell me why, because you can't keep going like this! I l-" her low, desperate rant was cut off by a female FBI intern entering, her eyes going wide as dinner plates as she saw two of her superiors in the compromising position. JJ's grip on me loosened infinitesimally as she was about to explain, and that was all I needed. I bolted out through the open door, sprinting through the thankfully empty bullpen. I took the stairs down to the main level three at a time, trying not to fall as I ran away, away from my emotions, away from JJ, away from it all. I had barely reached my car before I threw the doors open and hurtled into the front seat, shutting off all the lights and letting the darkness rush in to replace it. I struggled for breath, unable to take in air around the massive lump in my throat. She couldn't know, if I told JJ, that would be it, no more friendship, no more carefree banter in the hallways, I'd just be the woman who ended up pregnant at fifteen. The coward who couldn't even face her own reality. The awkward colleague with a crush. All the things I wanted to keep secret. Because if I let one thing out, then it all would tumble out after it, and she would finally be faced with the mess I truly am. I just couldn't have it. Slowly I began to face it all, put all of my insecurities back in their boxes, storing them away in the darkness, the comforting dark. I sat in the dark for a few minutes more, letting my eyes adjust to the dim grey light. I felt comforted by it, as if for a few moments, I was safe in my darkness, untouchable by everything else. Then I proceeded to put the car into drive and head home, hoping JJ wouldn't bring it up tomorrow.

**A/N wow, that chapter felt long to write, I hope that it's up to par!**

**-Nightshade**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Hey, sorry about the wait, but with the back to school season approaching it's been extremely hectic! Plus I've began making plushies of the CM team (to go along with my Grey's plushies) so today was spent sewing mini Emily and JJ. But between my odd hobbies and the mayhem I've had the time to continue the next chap, so here it is!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, though mini Em and JJ are all mine!**

Get Through

Chapter Four

I was unable to sit still that evening, so I paced. Despite the fact a Prentiss never paces, I paced my apartment floor until I worried I'd erode a circular track in the hardwood. The onslaught of information was such that it made me antsy and twitchy. My mind was in the same state as my body, running itself in a circuitous route through my thoughts in a manner that made me insane. It was simple right? Donate the liver and have my daughter live, that's the right choice, but why was it so damn painful? I'd give my life if it meant I could fix her, but in a way that would be easier. Because I'd be gone and I wouldn't have to face all the crappy things my giving her up put her through. That in turn made me feel selfish, and I didn't want to be selfish, but I just couldn't face it. I'm an avoider, I avoid things when they get too bad, and this made avoiding impossible. I kicked the table in front of me out of sheer frustration; the throb in my foot was minor in comparison to the throbbing in my head and heart. Normally if I felt like this after a case I would drink, but right now the unopened bottle of liquor sitting on the table seemed more like an enemy than a soothing friend. It stared at me with scornful eyes, hammering in the blame. How could I turn to alcohol when my daughter was dying because of it? I contemplated kicking the table again, since the rush of anger and the aching pain was almost calming, yet I shoved that away as well. I could feel all the frustration of not-knowing growing inside of me like a tumor, feeding upon my life and sapping me of my strength. And somewhere within my scattered brain, two neurons finally connected. I walked over to my purse and pulled out the crumpled sticky note. If there was ever a time I needed to talk to someone, it was now. I dialed the digits into my cell, and paced in time with the dial tone, counting out a flat melody, a rigid duet.

"Hello, this Jennifer Jareau speaking." Her angelic voice crackled through the tinny speaker on my phone.

"JJ, it's me, Emily. Can you come to my apartment, I need-I need someone to talk to." The simple act of stating I needed help hurt, to just admit it when all I wanted to do was hide away. I faintly heard the engine of a car starting in the background, and I suppressed an ironic laugh as an errant thought waltzed through my mind. JJ sitting in her car, knowing I would call, just waiting for me to get over myself and do it.

"Alright Em, I'm on my way. What's your address?"

" 1867 Belvedere Road, in apartment 4B." I heard the squealing of tires as she presumably peeled out of her driveway and roared down the street.

"Okay, I'll be there soon."

"Just be careful, ease up on the gas lead foot." I chuckled humorlessly as I imagined her speedometer straining to keep up with her racing engine. The line went dead, and I sat back on my couch, staring into space, still contemplating whether drowning my sorrows in whiskey was wise, especially if I'll be getting liver function tests done soon. JJ softly entered the apartment after what seemed like only seconds of waiting.

"Your door is unlocked." She stated the obvious before walking closer, finding me engaged in a staring contest with a bottle of whiskey and its shot glass henchman. "What's wrong?"

"I can't decide whether to drink or not. Because drowning all this in alcohol would be so much easier." My voice was detached, like I couldn't even connect my problems to myself.

"Make what easier?" she sat down beside me, laying a comforting hand on my knee. I opened my mouth and at first nothing came out, I choked on air as I struggled to make words.

"I have a daughter." I offered, unable to put any more out at once. The words stung my throat without the numbness that comes with being drunk. The blonde beside me said nothing; instead her expressive blue eyes gave me a look. It was just so pure and defenseless, free of judgment and full of coaxing.

"I got pregnant when I was fifteen; I gave the baby up for adoption. We moved around so often and it was so hard to make friends, I just wanted to be liked for once in my life. I just didn't think I would end up pregnant." I hung my head in shame. It felt just like I was telling my mom all over again, shrinking under her authoritative gaze. I was ready for her to be taken aback, to judge me for my mistake. But all I received in reply was a tender hand rubbing my back.

"I got a call from a hospital in the area; she was living on the street turning tricks for a living. She's in liver failure, because of abuse of alcohol and IV drugs. I'm responsible for all of that. I did all of that."

"None of this is your fault Emily. You were too young, and you put your faith in a foster system that has left children behind. You made the right choice then, you gave her a life, what happened to it was out of your hands." The ferocity in her tone shocked me, yet she didn't have me convinced.

"But I can't even face her now. I know she's going to blame me, everyone does! She's so sick JJ, she's barely alive. I don't know what to do. I may be compatible to donate her half of my liver, but the last time I had her life in my hands look how it ended! I'm no good for her, and, and… and I just wish all this would go away!" I vented childishly, selfishly, but unable to hold it back. The blonde took my hands in hers in a firm grasp, forcing me finally to look at her.

"I know things aren't ideal, but this is how they are. We can't change the past, but we can change the future and her future is nothing without you. You don't even know it you're a match but if you are, you can change her future. You're not allowed to run away from this, because if you do then she will die and I can't see you ever forgiving yourself for something like that. You're her mom, that's why you're worried, that's why you're so confused, and that's why you're tripping over your own thoughts. You're her mom, and show it or not, want it or not, she needs her mom right now." Her words struck me to my core, making me reveal the part I was never willing to admit.

"I'm scared Jennifer." My voice sounded childlike in itself, a whimper, like a dog that's been kicked.

"I know, it's okay to be scared." I straightened up, feeling lighter now that I was able to organize my thoughts again, before giving JJ a look.

"So you can tame my mental mess in less than twenty minutes, yet you can't even begin to organize the pile of files on your desk?" she cracked a weak smile.

"It's an enigma, don't bother." She smirked before getting up to leave.

"JJ, thank you, for listening." I stopped her before she reached the door. With one hand on the doorframe she gave me a sassy wink.

"Anytime Em." The sincerity of her words was palpable, and it left the room feeling warm long after she left. I clutched it like a security blanket, keeping the warm fuzzy feelings by my side as I snuggled into bed for the night. It was the first time in a while I fell asleep content.

**A/N I hope it's up to par! Reviews are like little packages of happiness!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N sorry for the wait, but you know what they say, good things come to those who wait! Plus the break did help me organize my thoughts a bit, enjoy! *some stronger language than I usually use in this chapter, it's not bad, but just in case, consider yourselves forewarned***

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds; I'm just borrowing the characters, like library books!**

Get Through

Chapter Five

The next morning came sooner than I wanted; being awoken with a burning desire to stay snuggled up in bed, with all the warm, safe feelings. But as soon as the comforter was tossed aside and my bare feet hit the chilled hardwood floor, all the foreboding feelings kept at bay by sleep rushed in and bombarded me all over again. I shuffled across the floor reluctantly. The coffeemaker was the only thing on my mind right now, taking precedent over any thoughts of hospital trips and medical tests. A pale blue mug which once contained coffee with a smudge of pale pink lipstick on the edge brought back the warm memories of JJ. She must have made the coffee yesterday while she was here. Reluctantly I dunked the unwashed cup into the sink, watching as the water rinsed away all remainder of the beautiful blonde's presence. The small spark of happiness residing in the center of my chest however remained burning strong, feeding upon the happy memories of Jennifer. Cradling a fresh travel mug in my hands, I headed out to the car to the hospital. The sterile scent of the place almost seemed comforting, uncomplicated, clean, everything I wanted my life to be. I walked to my daughter's room and opened the door, hoping to find the doctor within and Tegan asleep, it was the complete opposite.

"Who the hell are you?" My daughter's raspy voice echoed through the empty hospital room. Her yellowed eyes gave me a shaky once-over. "You some sorta cop?" she quirked her eyebrow, and just that simple movement seemed to sap her of all her energy. I looked down and realized I was wearing the exact same outfit I had yesterday, complete with my badge and gun, in my haze this morning I hadn't noticed. She lay back in the bed, her face a sickly white. I walked slowly to her bedside, trying to take in how sick she really was. My mind was silent, so the only thought running through my mind felt like a scream, be close to her. Without thinking I reached for her hand, unable to keep myself from making contact with my daughter who up until now was so far away.

"Tegan…" I whispered as my fingers skimmed the back of her hand. The skin was itchy and reddened from the IV lines, and it had the texture of the skin of an eighty year old woman, papery and thin, like it would shred at any moment. As soon as it was there, it was gone, and she was weakly snatching her hand out of my grasp.

"What the fuck are you doing? If you're some type of cop, why aren't you asking me some sort of questions?" she gave me a powerless glare, causing my confidence to suddenly wither.

"I-I'm not a cop. I'm your- your… I'm your mother." I choked out, the words feeling awkward and tight in my throat. She gave me another once-over, this time with wide, shocked eyes.

"You're kidding me right? Like is this just some sick joke?" she was truly shocked, as she gingerly drew away from where I stood. The small distance she created sent a pang of rejection through my heart. I told myself to keep it under control and that her reaction was perfectly normal, but it didn't stop the hurt at all.

"No, no it isn't." I softly confirmed. Her anger seemed to swell and despite her physical exhaustion, the walls around her mind grew stronger by the minute.

"You're kidding me; you've got to be fucking kidding me! You got rid of me, figured you'd be better off without me? Just figured you'd abandon me and carry on with your pretty little life!" she shrieked angrily. I raised my hands in a defensive posture, all the words I wanted to say spilling out faster than my lips could form them.

"I was fifteen, I couldn't have given you a good life and I thought that I could give you parents who could properly care for you! I did the best I could, my mother was worried about her image, she wanted me to abort you, I gave you a chance to live, that's the best I could offer then!" I was halfway between justifying myself and begging for absolution.

"So you didn't want me to ruin your posh, pampered lifestyle, you figured you'd just make me someone else's problem? Why didn't you just kill me, you would have done me a favor." Her emaciated frame was trembling under the stress now, like a rickety house in a windstorm.

"So killing you would have been a favor? How would that help anyone! I wanted to do the best I could for you, I wanted to give you a better life-" she cut me off, her voice sounding more like a lion's roar than a human cry.

"You ruined my life! You could have spared me from all this pain! Do you have any idea how much I've been through?"

"No! No I don't so just tell me!" I was on my knees now, begging her at her bedside, with tears rolling down my face unnoticed. She had raised herself up off the bed, grasping the side rails as she shook like a wet leaf.

"I can't, I can't- I, I-" her retort was drowned out by a hoarse coughing fit, wracking her slim frame with such force it seemed she would tear in two. Each breath was a monumental effort, and was cut off by the ragged heaving coughs again. The machines surrounding me began wailing out angry alarms, as fresh, bright red blood splattered onto the hospital blanket. I was rubbing her back the best I could, but my mind was spinning. All I could make sense of was my child was in danger and I had no experience whatsoever to stop it. A thin trail of blood dripped from her lips, her delicate face still scrunched up in drastic heaves. All of a sudden the room exploded with activity, nurses clamoring, shoving an oxygen mask over Tegan's mouth and trying to stop the blood, pushing drugs with names that didn't even sound like English words. I was shoved out of the way, into the corner of the room and out the door. It was slammed shut behind me, leaving me panting in the hallway, trying to get myself under control. It was a few minutes more until a familiar face came out of her room.

"Dr. Sayles?" I croaked, still trying to catch my breath.

"Ms. Prentiss, Tegan's stable now, we managed to get the bleeding under control and she'll be fine. Now I believe you came to get some tests done? I have the paper work right over here if you'll follow me." he gestured towards a nearby counter, to a pile of forms that rivaled the massive mess of files on JJ's desk. After signing my name almost a dozen times he turned back to face me.

"Considering the severity of your daughter's case, we're going to rush you into these tests as soon as possible to get these results quickly. We're going to draw some blood, do an ultrasound and an echocardiogram to make sure your liver is healthy and your heart can take the stress of the surgery, a quick physical exam, and a biopsy. Now we're going to put you under light sedation, and because of that you're going to need someone to drive you home after the procedure since you may still be a bit groggy. Do you have any family, or a close friend perhaps?" I nodded my assent, and he led me to an exam room, leaving me alone with a hospital gown to change in to. I shimmied out of my clothes and into the crinkly garment before dialing JJ's number.

"Hello, Jennifer Jareau speaking."

"JJ, it's me, Emily. I need you to come to the hospital. I'm undergoing some tests and I need someone to drive me home after them." After yesterday I felt a little more comfortable asking JJ for help, and calling her was almost an instinct.

"Sure thing Em, St Jude's right? I'll be there in five." She hung up faster than I could even respond, presumably getting ready to leave. JJ was a woman of action, and she was constantly moving, running from one to one hundred in seconds. I fidgeted nervously, dreading what was coming next. I hated needles, ever since I could remember I've dreaded them. The doctor re-entered the room, carrying a kit full of vials and syringes. I suppressed a shudder at the menacing glint of the little needles.

"Are you ready to begin?" he asked politely, to which I rigidly shook my head.

"I'm going to wait for my friend, if that's alright." I received a polite nod from the doctor, and seconds later, as if on cue, JJ entered the room, immediately gravitating to my side, holding my hand gently. She gave me a quick look over, taking in my rigid posture and nervous fidgeting.

"I may be a little scared of needles." I admitted.

"You see blood every day in our line of work, yet a teeny bit of your own is enough to send you into a cold sweat?" she gave me a soft smile as she gently teased, trying to lighten the mood. I suppressed a shudder as I saw the doctor take the sterile sheath off the needle.

"Not helping." I growled through gritted teeth. Her entire demeanor shifted, as she inched closer to me and held my hand tighter.

"Sorry Em, here, look away, focus on me." I tried my best to relax as I turned away from the arm that Dr. Sayles was currently sterilizing and nestled my head into the crook of JJ's shoulder with my eyes crinkled shut, savoring the sweet smell of her hair and the soothing warmth of her hand rubbing my back. I was so preoccupied with the intoxicating sensations JJ was eliciting that I didn't feel the prick in my forearm.

"He's almost done Em; it's all over… now." She gently released her hold just as the doctor scribbled on a label on a deep red vial. He left the room without a word, leaving me in the soothing calm that JJ embodied with ease.

"Thank you." I gasped softly, finally meeting her eyes in a glance full of appreciation and a little bit of shame at my childish outburst.

"It's no problem Emily, I'm here for you." she reassured me, and here for me she was. She stayed for the rest of the tests, drove me home, and didn't probe too much about Tegan when I wasn't comfortable. It's as if she knew that if she didn't push me, I'd be all the more likely to come running when I was ready.

**A/N okay, I'm not super satisfied with the ending, but other than that I'm pleased! I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to leave your feedback!**

**-Nightshade**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N I reposted the last chapter after realizing I made a bit of an error in the medical stuff, but the story itself remains unchanged. I was itching to write, so here it is!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, though Tegan's all mine!**

Get Through

Chapter Six

JJ had taken me home two days ago, though with the heavy pain meds I was still on I wouldn't be driving anywhere, let alone doing any work. They were pretty strong stuff, and just one dose would send me into incoherent, babbling fits. She had managed to get me a few vacation days off to recover, which was just another thing I was eternally grateful to her for. A knock at the door distracted me from my thoughts, and I staggered to the door drunkenly. JJ was on the other side, of course.

"Jennifer Jareau! Jennifer Jareau is at my doorstep! What's your middle name? 'Cause if it starts with a J then it would make you JJJ! Triple J's! Is it Jean, or Josephine, or Jade… Jemimah? Jennifer Jemimah Jareau!" I giggled nonsensically as I stumbled back to the sofa.

"Nice to know you've been keeping up with your pain medication regimen." She muttered beneath her breath, yet she still held that happy smile that was perfectly JJ. Of course she was amused by my erratic behavior. I loved that smile on her, even if it was at my own expense.

"Hey, is that why you come here every day? To laugh at my drug-addled self? I'm just some sort of clown to brighten your day after all the dead bodies?" my words were slurred as I splayed my arm and legs out over the surface of the couch, letting out a muted "ow" as it tweaked the sore spot in my side. I let out another round of giggles, sounding somewhat like a hyperactive teenage girl, not that the awareness did anything to stop it.

JJ rolled her eyes good-naturedly before responding, yelling over the sound of clanking in the kitchen. "No, I'm here because if I didn't make you dinner you'd forget to feed yourself, or burn the apartment building down boiling water or something like that." She joked again, unpacking the grocery bags she must have brought with her. I let out another random chuckle and lolled my head against the armrest of the couch.

"See, this is why I love you Jayje, oops!" I snorted in a very un-graceful way, before clapping my hand over my mouth in an exuberant gesture. "You probably weren't supposed to know that. It's a secret!" JJ rolled her eyes again and snickered before returning to the pasta she was boiling. "I have a secret and JJ can't know!" I said softly in a sing-song voice, bobbing my head side-to-side before the motion made me dizzy.

"Painkillers really are a miracle; I wouldn't know how people fared without them." JJ quipped dryly, returning her focus to the pasta. "So how's your daughter? You never told me what she's like." My mind went blank for a bit, fumbling for words.

"Well, she's young, like twenty-two young not twelve young, and she has blackish hair like me, but she dyed the tips white, some sort of weird new style. She looks kinda like me, but her eyes are steely grey, but when she's not stressed, I think they'd look less like steel, like maybe clouds or something… she's sick." My last two words were notably more sober than anything else I'd said today. At that admission a lot of the silliness, the drug-created haze dissipated like fog in the sunlight. My voice morphed from happy to dry and emotionless.

"She's really sick did you know that? Oh, and here's another thing, she's a prostitute, know that either? What about the fact she's a drug addict? Did you want to know about that either, because you can. Oh and here's the real kicker, she hates me! I'd hate me too though if I was her, I do hate me…" I droned off, realizing that I was crying. JJ's light, humorous air was gone in an instant, and she took the pot off the heat before walking over to where I lay now curled up on the couch. She looked so gorgeous, and having that flaunted in front of me sent a new stab of pain to my core.

"Hey, none of this is your fault, didn't we already go over this?" she came and sat on the couch in between my knees, rubbing the tops of my knees soothingly with her warm hands. Her beautiful face was so calming, yet it sent my blood pressure through the roof. "And she'll come around, when you see how much you care about her she will come around. And don't tell me you don't care about her, because no one who doesn't care freaks out like this. You're freaking out because you're her mom and you love her, she'll realize that soon enough you just need to be there for her" I was silent, mulling over the many thoughts rampaging through my head. Until finally one managed to find a crack in my walls, and slip out.

"It's not the drugs." I whispered softly, another tear escaping my eyes. I saw her expression morph from understanding to confusion, and one golden eyebrow quirked skyward in questioning.

"Pardon me?" I cleared my throat, partly glad that the drugs had a similar inhibition-lowering effect as alcohol, it made the next few minutes so much easier.

"What I said earlier, about loving you, it's not the drugs speaking." That phrase seemed to freeze JJ in place. Her mouth hung open, her delicate pink lips forming a beautiful and tempting O. My heart hiccupped at the delay in her response, worried that the delay was getting farther away from a good sign each second that ticked by. A shocked tear slid slowly down her porcelain cheek. I sat up, ignoring the stab of pain in my side as I leaned forward to wipe it away, allowing myself to get caught up in the indescribable feeling of her silky skin beneath the sensitive pads of my fingertips. She hovered for a moment more before sitting up, an expression of hurt and pain written all across her face.

"JJ…" I trailed off, her name cracking as it spilled from my lips, trying to work its way around the lump of hurt tears swelling within my throat.

"I can't Emily, I'm so sorry." She told me, backing away warily as she spoke. I wanted to get up and follow her, to make her understand, but the ever-growing pain from the incision site grew worse and worse by the second.

"Please don't leave." I begged, letting the full expanse of my hurt show in those three simple words. Those were the last three words I wanted to tell her, since there was another set of three words that I truly wanted to tell her. I could tell she was torn, it didn't take a profiler to detect that, she wanted to run, but she wanted to stay also. Her next statement fell flat on its face; it was hollow and lifeless, like the audible equivalent of a corpse.

"Dinner's on the stove, don't let it get cold." Her dead words hung in the air like a lone helium balloon as she turned on her heel, and in a flash of blonde hair, she bolted out the door, slamming it hard as she left. I hung for a second, suspended in time as I soaked up the rejection. And with the slam of the door still hovering in midair, I slowly crumbled into a pile of tears beneath the mountain of stress above me.

**A/N oooh! This chapter was shorter than I was planning, but I think it turned out okay. Another deviation from medical truth, I doubt they'd give you that strong of pain meds for a simple biopsy, but I really wanted to do a little bit with Emily high on painkillers! :D I hope you enjoyed the chapter and if you did remember, reviews are like birthdays and cake every day of the year!**

**-Nightshade**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I'm sneaking this chapter in under the wire, I wanted to update today, and gosh darnit, I was gonna update! So here it is, the fallout of Emily's drug-addled confession!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, because if I did, my name would be CBS, and it's not!**

Get Through

Chapter Seven

Walking into the bullpen the next day, the place seemed like an alien land. Maybe it was the fallout of my rare vacation time, or maybe it was my change in attitude. Normally I'd come in every day, and gather around whoever's desk the rest of the group was congregated around, while we shared morning coffee and a brief chat. But today was different, because as soon as I walked into the bullpen I saw JJ standing with Morgan and Reid by the boy genius's desk. I averted my eyes, focusing on my desk as my destination, because the last thing I wanted to do now was face Jennifer Jareau.

"Hey Emily, feeling better?" Derek turned to face me. I figured that had been JJ's cover for my absence for the past few days, an illness of some sort. I nodded briefly from behind my curtain of dark hair before finally looking back up.

"Yes thank you, much better. I'm glad to be back." I avoided JJ's gaze as I spoke to my colleague. Hotch walked in and we all turned towards our desks like a class of students when the teacher entered, suddenly working vigilantly. He passed without a sound, and before I knew it a gentle hand tapped me on the shoulder.

"Emily, can we talk?" JJ was standing there expectantly, and I nearly rolled my eyes in despair.

"I'm working right now Agent Jareau." I responded in the most professional, almost detached way. I watched surprise ripple across her face before she recovered her professionalism as well.

"Alright, sorry um, Agent Prentiss." She apologized before she walked away in a confused and flustered haze. "Oh, and Agent Prentiss, we have a case, meet us in the bullpen in five." She strode away to her office before I finally let out a breath. I gathered up the files carefully and methodically, wasting time before I had to be in a room with her again. I recognized the look on her face, it was her apologetic look, but I wasn't in the mood for her apology. I had spent the entire last night stewing over her rejection, lying to myself, convincing myself I didn't need JJ to be happy. It left me angry, and the last thing I wanted now was to give her absolution. I headed over to the roundtable room, where a picture of a blood-smeared alleyway was already up on the screen.

"We just received a call from Chicago, they've had four murders over the past three months, all women, all with brown hair and blue eyes." JJ announced, taking her spot at the head of the room.

"So the unsub obviously has a type." Morgan mused, and I slowly spaced out, trying to ignore the fact that every time JJ spoke her eyes were on me. We grabbed our go-bags and headed to the jet, divvying up cars.

"Gideon, Reid, Morgan, you're with me, JJ and Emily can follow us." Hotch commanded, and I let out an internal sigh, just my luck. I'd have to share the small, enclosed space with the one person I was trying to avoid.

"I'm driving." I flatly stated as I leapt into the driver's seat, giving JJ no time to object. It had hardly been a minute driving with the awkward silence before JJ broke the quiet.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked softly.

"I don't want to talk about it." I put up my famous Prentiss walls, refusing to let her in.

"C'mon Emily, how was I supposed to react?" she got more offensive, showing obvious irritation at being blatantly ignored. I kept my eyes on the road, refusing to even look her way.

"Not like that." I muttered under my breath angrily.

"Well you surprised me! I panicked!" she defended, gesturing wildly with her hands.

"Well good thing for you is that we don't have to talk about it ever again. No more need for you to panic."

"You said you loved me Emily, I wasn't prepared for that! So your cure for all this is that we just exist in this awful silence?" she pleaded, and it took all my might not to crumple and give in at the emotion in her voice. I saw the hangar fast approaching up ahead, as I prepared to park the car.

"Yes." I replied curtly as I flung my go-bag over my shoulder and dashed to the plane, leaving JJ behind me. The flight was awkward, with plenty of avoided glances and rejected touches. Thankfully when we arrived at Chicago, the unsub we were hunting wasn't the brightest one, apparently never having heard of a forensic countermeasure in his miserable life. They found DNA and fingerprints all over the most recent crime scene, indicating he was devolving quickly. They matched one Harlan Purcell according to Garcia, who when confronted with the evidence sang like a canary in interrogation. As cases went, it was easy, at least until we had to load him into the car to take him to prison. I walked behind him with my hands on his handcuffs, and I removed just the one to open the car door when he whirled around, ripping them from my grasp. With an angry face akin to a bull after a matador, he used his sheer body mass to slam me against the car, cracking my head against the window with a painful thud. The other officers had him subdued in seconds, though I walked away with an angry head wound, and a vendetta against easy unsubs. Boarding the jet to leave, JJ rushed up to inspect the wound, as if she had already forgotten our conversation on the drive here.

"Ohmygod are you okay?" the words tumbled out of her mouth all at once, and I cringed away from her touch.

"Fine." I replied flatly, trying to push past her. She was relentless though, hovering, trying to get a look at it.

"You're bleeding a bit! Did you get seen by a doctor-"

"Just leave me alone!" I retaliated, probably a little too loud, because the rest of the team turned and fixed me with a confused look. I ducked my head, ashamed of the attention I had attracted, before choosing a seat farthest away from everyone, and faking sleep for the rest of the flight. We had barely touched down on the tarmac before my cellphone buzzed with an incoming call.

"Hello?"

"Agent Prentiss, we have the results of your tests back, we need you to come in to pick up some forms." I rolled my eyes in irritation. It was as if every time someone so much as breathed within the four walls of that hospital, you were passed a form about it.

"Alright, I'll be there in an hour, bye." I exited the jet, and headed toward the car, seeing Hotch stop JJ from following me and exchanged a few words with her. I had just leapt into the driver's seat again when I saw Hotch take the seat beside me instead of the blonde.

"What's been going on with you Emily?" he asked, and I rolled my eyes visibly this time.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I groaned in frustration.

"Because you work around world-class profilers, and it's considered odd behavior when someone starts ignoring and yelling at their friends." Great. I didn't want to tell him anything, there was just too much to tell, between JJ and Tegan, there was too much on my mind.

"I'm going to need a month or so off work in a couple of weeks." I changed the topic slightly, hoping to divert his interests.

"I can't authorize extended leave like that without a valid reason." He rebutted. The hell with that, he just wanted to know. "I have a daughter, she needs a liver transplant, I'm donating her half my liver. I need time off to recover." That seemed to pacify him, and he mulled over the tidbit of information for a few seconds.

"Fine, just give me a solid date and I'll put in the request." He let that sit for a few seconds before speaking up again. "I hope she gets better." He softly added, ever-so-slightly warming my heart.

"I do too" I whispered as we parked the car outside of the FBI building, walking back into the bullpen. I had been awake for almost thirty-six hours for this case, and I should be exhausted, but I didn't feel it, like I had regressed so much behind my walls that human exhaustion didn't touch me. I caught JJ staring at me with a forlorn look in her eyes, and again I brushed it off, making my way to my desk to see a fresh cup of coffee sitting on my desk, and a certain blonde communications liaison slipping away into her office.

**A/N I know I know, it's short and rushed, but it's getting late here. I hope to update sooner next time, and it will be longer and have more importance to the story, I just needed this one to establish that Em's avoiding JJ. I haven't had the time to proofread this, so any mistakes are all mine!**

**-Nightshade**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N so after that last chapter, I'm anticipating writing this chapter, I feel like I have inspiration for this chapter, and I've got a plan for the next few. I hope you enjoy it, I'm starting to reveal bits of Tegan's mysterious past!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but Tegan's all mine!**

Get Through

Chapter Eight

I was running on coffee fumes and adrenaline as I reached the hospital again, this time stopping to inspect the slowly withering leaves of the flowerbeds, suffering from the early fall frost. The inside was the same, untouched by time or wear or the neglect of the streets outside. I walked to the same room Tegan's been in since the beginning, and despite seeing the doctor wasn't in there, I walked in. With all that was going on, all the silence on the JJ front, I was desperate to focus on something else, and that something else was quickly becoming my daughter's unknown past.

"I thought you'd get the hint, I don't want to talk to you." she greeted me in a raspy voice as soon as I entered the door.

"Well, you're about to accept the better part of my liver, a little talk is necessary." I sat down on the generic chair in the hospital room, facing Tegan and making a big show of getting comfortable. I wanted to show her that I wasn't going anywhere.

"Like I owe you anything." She scoffed, her spirit still fiery and resilient despite her exhaustion. I barely restrained a small smile, apparently our hair color wasn't the only thing we shared, we were both hard-headed.

"You're absolutely right, you owe me nothing, and I owe you everything. But I can't give you anything unless you give me something to go on." I saw her mull over this for a second before her steely eyes met mine again.

"Only if I can ask you one question first." She tested, and I nodded my head, preparing for the tough questions like why I gave her up and the like.

"What the hell happened to your forehead?" she gave me a weak, impish smile that seemed like it belonged to a teenager, and my hand reflexively touched the swelling lump on my temple.

"Oh, yeah. A murderer I was bringing in slammed me up against a car." I blushed slightly out of embarrassment, which coaxed a genuine smile to her face. "Just a regular day on the job!" I added, trying to lighten the mood. For all my tricks I knew to make a suspect trust and confide in me, none were of use here. It would take more than a couple of parlor tricks to gain her trust, I had to be genuine.

"Sorry, just wondering, the goose egg was a little distracting." She delayed slightly, not wanting to speak. I got up and moved closer to her bed, hovering awkwardly. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold her hand, but I didn't want to force her. "I still don't completely trust you." She admitted, almost shamefully.

"It's okay. It doesn't have to happen all at once." I assured, just wanting to know something, anything. She licked her thin, chapped lips and looked away.

"The first house I remember, the husband was loud. I remembered thinking at the time that he should use his indoor voice like the kindergarten teacher taught us to. His wife was really nice, she baked a lot and liked to hum and play games with me. Her husband would get really angry about how I wasted all her time, and he would yell and make me feel scared. He never touched me, never laid a hand on me, which came later… I stayed with them for almost half a year I think; they were one of the better foster families." Her voice was detached and I tried to fathom anyone yelling at a sweet, innocent little Tegan. She moved her hand closer to where mine lay, on the railing of the hospital bed, as she choked away silent tears. I wanted to know more, so much more, but I could tell that she had reached her limit. In seconds, she had hidden her feelings, and an odd mix of pride and hurt mingled in my gut as I saw her compartmentalize, just like her mom.

"You shouldn't have had to live with that, that shouldn't be your reality, I'm sorry for that." My voice instinctively slipped into a lower, calming tone as I spoke to her.

"Yeah, whatever, not like it helped any. If I had to pick my favorite foster parents it would probably have been them." She played with the uniform weave of the hospital blanket to fill the lull of silence, the sounds of her hands against the scratchy fabric, and the grating sound of her breathing was the only thing that filled the room.

"You seemed upset when you walked in, almost angry, why was that?" I gave her an inquisitive look, I thought I had hidden my feelings well. She noticed my odd look before elaborating. "you had this faraway look in your eyes, and there was that crease in between your eyebrows you get when you're thinking about something really hard. I know because I get it too." She admitted, and it actually managed to draw a smile out of me, she was so observant. I cleared my throat, unsure of the judgment I would get from my newfound daughter.

"There's a girl, erm- woman, whom I work with, that I have a thing for. I finally told her, and she ran off. Now she's all apologetic, and I can't help feeling hurt. Because I'm worried to put myself out there again, and I'm hiding behind my walls. That's how I deal with things." She gave me a soft look, before a crooked smirk blossomed across her yellowed skin.

"And this even holds a candle to my scarred, failing liver and dependency to IV medications?" she joked, a small spark of life flickering from behind her grey eyes. I gave a soft chuckle, shaking my head.

"Not even close Honey." None of us noticed for a moment, until my unintended use of the term of endearment finally sunk in. one look at Tegan's face told me I had scared her back behind her walls, and I was halfway between kicking myself and apologizing for it. The implications of such a tiny word were massive for her, since she struck me to be a bit of a commitment-phobe ever since we met. Plus the whole broken family, and god-knows-what happening to her as a child, didn't put parents in such a soothing light for her. We both just stood there, frozen, minds whirring away a million miles a minute, both having partially forgotten the other's existence. The doctor chose that exact moment to walk in, wearing a surprised look on his face as he saw the two of us together.

"Agent Prentiss, your test results came in. you're a match to Ms. Vanner, your liver's the right size, your blood types are the same, a perfect match. You're healthy and fit, there should be no problems for you for undergoing surgery. We'll schedule your surgery for some time next week, and sort out the rest of the details and minutiae after you've finished your visit." He may have said more, which I wasn't sure, because all I could really focus on at the time were the slim, bony fingers which crawled closer, slow and tentative like an inchworm, to where my hand rested, and gently, tentatively, grasped mine. That tenuous connection, that spark of trust from my long-lost child, that little scrap of joy that forced away any dark feelings I may have had, made it impossible to think of anything else. In that moment I just focused on his prior words, hoping it would ring true, and that we could help each other overcome our respective insecurities and parental issues.

"_A perfect match"_

**A/N so Tegan's starting to open up a bit, and the surgery's fast approaching, and of course, Emily and JJ still haven't made up yet! This chap's shorter than I planned it, but I didn't want to ramble on too much, maybe it's just that my first couple chapters were abnormally long!**

**-Nightshade **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N I'm back! Thank you to everyone who keeps reviewing, I love receiving them!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but if I had a nickel for each disclaimer I wrote, I could buy the show from CBS! Okay, maybe more like I could buy a chocolate bar, but they're both good!**

Get Through

Chapter Nine

Work was a delicate dance now. I'd spend my days stepping and sashaying away from JJ, trying to avoid having to speak to her. I used to quietly observe her schedule because I wanted to accidentally-but-not-accidentally run into her, just looking for an excuse to talk to her. Now I used the same information to avoid her. But a few things still stayed the same, especially the steaming hot coffee on my desk, exactly the way I like it, before I enter the bullpen. To anyone else, the coffee was just that, a gesture between friends, but she didn't need to leave sticky notes on the cups to get her message, the gesture itself was practically a scream. It was a daily reminder that she was still there, waiting for me to get over myself and actually confront her. It was the whole getting over myself that was the hard part. By this point, it was almost a matter of pride for me now. I couldn't quite give in, because that would sweep all the other feelings under the rug, leaving them to burn a hole in my chest until I slip up again. And I just refused to do that. So I accepted the coffee as usual, as a reassurance I wasn't shutting her out completely. The day seemed to sense my urge to avoid and leave, and as a result it put down its head and dug in its heels, refusing to move faster than an agonizing crawl. I had finished all my paperwork and I sighed as I looked at the desktop clock, mockingly proclaiming it to be lunchtime. The rest of the team, including JJ, was gathered around the small kitchenette eating. My stomach growled its argument as I contemplated skipping lunch, so I headed over begrudgingly.

"Well hey, Prentiss has finally crawled out from under her desk and decided to join the rest of the living!" Morgan crowed as I entered. I responded by shooting him a harsh glare, which he knew well enough to be friendly in nature, yet not to question.

"My stomach forced me to, it was either take a lunch break or start gnawing on my stapler. But, before you joke, realize that I got all my paperwork done while you have a mountain to do." I slightly gloated as I rummaged through the fridge, looking for something to eat.

"Did you know that as many as thirty-five percent of children and twenty percent of hospitalized mental patients have been shown to exhibit pica? This stems from a-" Reid piped up, needing to inject his voice into the conversation.

"Spence, I do not want to hear about people eating dirt while I have lunch, it's kind of disgusting." JJ added, wrinkling her nose in a way that I found irritatingly adorable before looking back down at the file in her hands.

"So people eating dirt disgusts you, but you can eat a sandwich while reading those gory files?" Derek asked incredulously.

"Do you want him to talk about it for the next twenty minutes or not?" she groaned, as if he was missing some hidden point. Spencer bowed his head slightly like a scolded puppy, before perking right up again, probably because of the loads of sugar in his coffee.

"Are you sure? Because personally I find the behavioral aspects of the condition quite interesting. The fact that the consuming of non-nutritional items has no benefit to the person, yet they feel compelled to do it, the psychology of it is very interesting…" he followed Derek out of the lunchroom, his voice fading as he walked down the hall.

"Just keep talking Pretty Boy." Derek groaned, probably out of sarcasm which of course, Spencer didn't pick up on, his rambling fading into a buzz as he left earshot. With the absence of the two agents, it left JJ and me alone in the lunchroom, hovering in the silence which had become the recent norm for us. I suddenly found the floor tiles immeasurably interesting, and set about studying them in great detail.

"Emily, why do we have to do this?" she nearly begged, and you could hear her emotion hanging off each word, she had nearly given up.

"Because I can't deal with this." I gestured between us with my hands, "being friends, keeping my feelings hidden is agonizing! Pretending I didn't say what I said, just faking again, it was awful! I love you JJ, I never meant to say it before, but I did, and now you know. And I don't know how to cope in this grey area!" I exclaimed, thankful that everyone had gone back to work and was currently ignoring us. JJ wrung her hands nervously; eyes darting around the room like something was coming for her.

"But I don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't know, this is all so confusing. I mean, I always flirted and such, and I can't say I never considered it, but it's just so muddled up, and I panicked, and I can't stop regretting that, but I'm lost. I don't know what to do about it, and I'm confused and scared and I need my friend there to be there for me!" the emotion in her eyes was begging me, pleading to me, and it was almost impossible not to comfort her. So I walked up to her, took her trembling figure in my arms, and hugged her tightly to my figure. She clung to my figure almost in desperation, and I swore I heard her choke back a grateful sob.

"Thank you, thank you Emily." She repeated like a mantra as she rubbed her delicate hands up and down my back. Every word she said, and the desperate reverence with how she said them, sent a stab of guilt through my heart as I thought of my next move. With my hands still gently clasping her by her shoulders, I moved her back slightly, so I could lean in and brush my lips against hers. The simple action, that smidgen of contact, gently stroked the flames that had been brewing inside my chest for weeks. She let out a little gasp, the small opening in her mouth causing her to bite down on my lower lip ever so slightly. I was internally shocked when I felt her reciprocating, massaging my own lips tentatively with her silky, luxurious ones. I tried to suppress a moan, knowing there were co-workers right outside who may be listening. My tongue was greeted as a welcome invasion in the velvet, warm palace of her mouth. I felt the breath rush from my lungs as I realized that this, kissing Jennifer Jareau, was so much better than any fantasy could ever be. My hand was knotted in her golden hair, as if I had a ray of sunshine right in my palm. I wanted to do much more, worship every inch of her honey-toned skin, make her scream my name over and over until her voice was hoarse with overuse, make her realize she loved me, even right here in this public, workplace setting. But of course, the rational side of my mind kicked in, and regretfully I pulled away. For a second I just stared into her eyes, turbulent blue pools of emotions, fighting a bitter battle internally.

"I need you to make a choice JJ." I begged, before regretfully and painfully stepping out of her personal space, straightening my skirt and fixing my slightly mussed hair. Her eyes were so painfully torn that, despite the high I was on seconds ago, I was almost ready to cry knowing I could turn it around. "I'm sorry, but I can't just keep going like nothing ever happened, because it did." The indecision was palpable in the air around us, and JJ looked about halfway between falling to her knees, and crying out. But that's all she was right now, halfway. I'm a girl whose parents were hardly there, every failed romantic relationship dragged me lower and lower, and I needed someone who was in it with their all, who felt that exact same way about me. If JJ couldn't figure it out, then we were at an impasse, because I would be running in circles around someone who's not even sure they want me. As I strode out of the room, dabbing away the torn tears that percolated in the corners of my eyes, I couldn't help getting hung up on one thought. I loved JJ with all my heart and I wanted that back from someone, that's all I ever wanted. But maybe JJ would only ever be capable of loving me halfway.

**A/N Please review, they make my day!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N I'm back again! Thank you for all your reviews, please keep 'em coming!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Ten

I felt hollow, literally, but I guess a day of no food will do that to you. Between all the stress and the feelings and the impending surgery, I was feeling empty. It had been three days since the kiss with JJ in the lunchroom, three days since I gave her my ultimatum, three days since I had heard from her last. It had taken those three, lonely, long days to come to blows with the fact that I had lost her, I lost JJ as a friend, I lost JJ as a girlfriend, I lost JJ period. And I was scared, having to check in and undergo all these tests, when I desperately wanted her by my side. Currently I was propped up in a hospital bed, awaiting my turn to go under the knife. And here in this sterile room, free of any of the comforts of home, I began to mentally unravel. I shouldn't have done that, alienated the one person I could count on for anything and everything. She probably told the team, and they probably hate me too now for hurting her. I was never supposed to hurt her. But that tortured, tormented look in those beautiful blue eyes haunted me. It didn't belong there; those gorgeous orbs should never have to bear that pain, it was like seeing a huge tear across the world's most valuable painting. And I did that, that was all my fault. Guilt came with a hurricane force, battering all that I believed in, and ripping away my comfort. A cheery-eyed nurse entered the room and broke my reverie. I hid my thoughts away, as if the woman would be able to read my mental conversation.

"I'm just here to put in your IV line and prep you, the OR's ready." She chirped, as she removed the line and needle from the sterile packaging. I winced as I saw the glint of the metal, the little needle suddenly seeming like a sword in my mind. The woman treating me was obviously no profiler, because she set about her work without even taking notice how I had gone as stiff as a board and had my hands knotted in the blanket around me so tightly my knuckles were white. I tried to go anywhere else mentally, to somewhere I was happy. I remembered the last time I had to endure this, except with JJ at my side. The irritating blare of the heart monitor which sounded as my panicked heart sped up, threatened to distract me from the sweet memory of JJ's silky cheek against mine and the feeling of the delicate jaw muscles fluttering beneath the pale satin of her skin as she whispered soothing nothings into my ear. It was this illusion of contact that I clung to, trying to hide from my childish fear. The nurse jumped up quickly, with that same overly-happy smile pasted on her face, the movement banishing JJ's presence.

"We're going to be taking you to surgery soon, alright?" she informed before turning on her heel and heading for the door, nearly walking right into one Derek Morgan. I let out a sigh at my secret being revealed, before leaning backwards into the thin pillow.

"So you've found me." I dryly commented as he made his way over to my bedside.

"We're a family at the BAU, and learning that one of your family members has taken vacation time for the next month or so is worrying." His usually sharp features were unfocused and nervous.

"So you followed me here?"

"Nonsense, I had my Baby Girl do a trace on your phone." He remarked, as if it was the obvious answer. "What's wrong Emily? Why are you having surgery, and more to the point why didn't you tell us? All I know is you keep running off and disappearing, and JJ gets all weird if anyone mentions your name." I gave an irritated huff, I wanted this to stay quiet for longer. I didn't want to have to deal with telling people, I just wasn't mentally capable of juggling all that.

"I'm donating part of my liver to a relative of mine, I'm fine, and that's all you need to know about the situation." I insisted, and I could tell by the look in his eyes he wasn't buying this for a second.

"And JJ fits into this how? Don't tell me she's not involved in this, because when Reid asked where you were today she nearly bit the kid's head off, poor kid's still trembling." His words sent another shock of guilt through my weakened heart. JJ was so hurt she was lashing out to others on the team.

"I kissed her in the lunchroom yesterday." I admitted, wincing as Morgan not-so-subtly gasped in shock.

"What?" he managed to splutter out.

"I kissed her, and it was a good kiss Morgan, it was a damn good kiss. I can't stop thinking about it, it was mind-blowingly good, amazing. But then I walked away, how stupid was that, making her choose, how idiotic was I? You can't even begin to comprehend how royally fucked up I am." I rambled on like a lovesick teenager, oblivious to his reaction.

"Okay I get it, she's a good kisser, but back this up Em, I didn't even know you were lesbian."

"It's not something I go around shouting from the rooftops! I know how screwed up this is, but Derek, I love her, and because I love her I'm losing her. She doesn't feel anything for me." even my voice sounded defeated, and as sad as it was to admit it, I had given up on love. Derek placed a comforting, friendly hand on top of mine before looking me in the eye.

"She can barely stand to hear your name, sometimes I've caught her staring at your desk, waiting for you to return, she comes into briefings with red eyes like she's been crying. You're a profiler, that's not the behavior of someone who doesn't feel anything." It had gone quiet in my head, my entire universe stopped spinning for a second, as he spoke those words. I made her cry? The fact itself felt viscerally wrong. It was as if his implication was an asteroid, colliding with my little world and blotting out any living things beneath a cloud of dust and shame. While I sat thinking, I barely missed the orderly showing Morgan from my room and beginning to wheel my gurney out the door.

"We're taking you for surgery now Ma'am" he announced unceremoniously. I lunged after Derek, who was walking the opposite direction down the hall, twisting awkwardly against the railing on the bed.

"Tell her I'm sorry! I never meant to make her cry Derek!" I begged tearfully as I tried to get up from the bed, being held back by the hands of the orderly. I must have looked like a madwoman, but Derek just gave me a reassuring nod, like he already knew that.

"Ma'am please lay back down, we have limited time before your daughter gets unstable!" he commanded, and I obediently sat back in the bed, despite wanting to go running the opposite direction after him. Limited time, time is running out, my time is running out, I need to talk to JJ! But instead I was wheeled into a sterile looking room, suddenly surrounded by faceless doctors who looked all-too antsy to get their hands on a scalpel.

"We're going to put you under now Miss." An older gentleman doctor told me. I can't be here; I can't do this without JJ! I need her here when I wake up, I need her here! Because lying on this metal table, with drugs flowing into my veins that felt like ice, I felt so scared and alone. She said I could always call her when I needed her, that she would be here for me when I needed her, where was she now? The lights in the room began to pitch and sway, and I was suddenly paralyzed, my arms and legs numb as if they were of stone and not flesh. I tried to cry out, but the mask over my mouth prevented me, and black spots swam in my vision. The drug-induced haze trapped me within my panic, as I futilely tried to fight the darkness threatening to overcome me. JJ, JJ I need you, please come! I need to feel her hold my hand and see her smile and know that I didn't both ruin my friendship and hurt the woman that I love. I need her to be here with me, so I won't be scared. I need her, simple as that; I need her like I need oxygen to breathe. The cold of the metal and the ice in my limbs faded until I could feel nothing except my loneliness. It grew to a giant, menacing beast, with eyes like chasms and a gaping mouth of nothingness. And like that, the darkness swallowed me whole, and I was lost to my subconscious.

**A/N not totally, 100% happy with this chap, but I'd love to hear what you think!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N two in one day-erm-night! Enjoy! *Warning, some graphic imagery in the beginning***

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, it belongs to CBS**

Get Through

Chapter Eleven

_The room was hazy, the dim lighting punctuated by the occasional agonized scream. I forced my eyelids to open, and immediately wanted to forget what I saw. My gorgeous blonde was hanging, tied to some kind of pole by her hands, wearing only her tweed suit skirt and a bra. Her chest was heaving in panic, and she tried to cry out to me around the gag in her mouth, but the only things that came out were terrified animalistic moans. I lurched forward, trying to get up but my hands and feet were anchored to the floor beneath me with sharp wire that sliced into my wrists at the slightest movement. I was powerless to save her from what would come next. A shadowy figure of a man came into view, his back turned to me and facing JJ. Her moans turned into a high-pitched keening as she thrashed against her bindings, blood pouring from her wrists as she fought. The evil figure produced a whip from beneath his long coat, the knots of the rough rope caked with the blood of others before her. I disregarded the stabbing pain as the wires cut into my skin over and over again, burying themselves deep into the tissue, and I screamed, trying to distract his attention from her. My pleas were drowned out by the agonizing slap of rope against skin, the rough material tearing into the ivory skin of JJ's abdomen, opening little streams of blood that pained across the pale canvas of skin. Tears were streaming down her face as she struggled, her eyes screwed shut in agony. He was relentless, lashing at her skin until it resembled ground meat._

"_Leave her alone you bastard!" I snarled, mustering up as much hatred I could and pouring it into my shriek. He didn't even turn his head away, just reached into his pocket for some remote and pressed a button. The wires around my wrists suddenly burned as an electric charge shot through them, stabbing through my body with an unimaginable pain. I was momentarily blinded as painful spasms shot up and down my spine, causing me to flop like a fish out of water. My lungs and heart stalled beneath the overwhelming energy, and each coughing breath sent a smack of white-hot pain to my chest, so bad that I could feel each heave pounding behind my eyes. JJ was crying for me now, her attention directed away from her own pain. I was staring straight at her, but I wasn't seeing anything, my body frozen in place by the shock. He roughly smacked her across the face, but she kept her aquamarine eyes fixated on me. In frustration the man drove his palm up under her ribcage, hitting the tender wounds from the whip. It was only when Jennifer's head flopped down in pain did I realize the man never spoke, he never made a sound. His greedy hands roamed the extent of her mutilated flesh, grabbing and pinching with no regard for JJ's heartbroken sobs as she realized he was about to force himself upon her. His hand traveled lower, venturing beneath the hem of her skirt before pulling out altogether and going for the zipper on his jeans, straining to cover the growing bulge there._

"_If you touch her, I will kill you I swear to God, I will kill you and enjoy it!" I hissed, feeling the wires slacken slightly around my wrists due to my struggles. He stepped away from JJ and walked up to me, and even the black spots dancing in my vision couldn't stop me from seeing where his face should have been. It simply wasn't there, there _was _nothing, no features no skin, just blackness. I heard a whispering, ethereal voice whisper in my ear._

"_Emily…" _

"Emily! Emily wake up!" familiar cries split the silence, and I managed to open my leaden eyelids to see a blurry figure of a blonde. Without even realizing it the tears came, so eager to fall that they all clustered in my eyes and made it hard to see. Because if I could see properly I'd see that the blonde beside my hospital bed wasn't gagged or whipped or tied down, she was fine. I willed my heavy limbs to move, I willed my tired lungs to speak, anything to show that I wasn't just a mind trapped within a flesh prison. All at once I lurched forwards, hugging my knees, the immediate stab of pain in my side causing me to cry out. I still couldn't speak, my lungs seemed to have a mind of their own, stealing the air from my throat before I could even breathe, choking me as they raced faster and faster. She was beside me now, her warm figure pressed against my entire side, her arms wrapped around me, her face inches from mine.

"Emily calm down, it's me, Jennifer. You're okay Honey, you're in the hospital, you just came through surgery." her talking wasn't enough to soothe me, as I swore I could still feel the current ripping through my wrists.

"It, it-I-twas-a-a-dream!" I stammered in between breaths, feeling dizziness from the panic setting in. I suddenly felt like I was falling, like I was spinning.

"Emily look at me!" I managed to turn my head, whipping it around so quickly our noses nearly collided.

"I'm here, it was just a nightmare, and you're okay! Just breathe." I vaguely sensed her hands on my cheeks, keeping my eyes facing her.

"I-I can't, this-this feels like-" my throat was so tight I could hardly take in air now, and talking was near impossible.

"Yes you can. Deep breaths Emily, c'mon, in and out, just relax." The first breath in felt like a gift from heaven, shaking loose more tears along with it. My arms flew up to clutch the body of the blonde, burying my face in her shoulder with the hope it would muffle my cries.

"I almost lost you!" the words came out jumbled in a string of sobs.

"I'm here Em, you didn't lose me I'm right here with you." she reassured, the vibrations from her voice as she spoke echoing into my chest. We stayed like that for a while, frozen in place, curled up on the hospital bed, refusing to let the other go. I took in a deep, shuddering breath, shaking my entire body like a wet leaf.

"You're here?" I croaked out in confusion, wondering if I was still dreaming. She pressed her lips tentatively yet sweetly to mine, before leaning her forehead up against mine, looking in my eyes.

"I'm here. And I may be scared as hell, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but God Emily, the only thing I know is I don't ever want to let you go." Her words made me want to cry all over again, but this time in relief.

"I'm scared too." I admitted, thinking about the wall of fear I had encountered before I went under anesthesia. Jennifer gave a soft yet humorless chuckle as she pulled me closer to her body, kissing my earlobe gently before speaking in a hushed tone.

"Then we can be scared together." She reassured. I wound my hands around her slender torso, slightly surprised at how well they fit together, like matching puzzle pieces. I shifted to face her, but another shot of crippling pain burned in my abdomen at the motion, freezing me.

"Here, lay back, you just had major abdominal surgery, you're going to be in pain." She shifted her weight and gently laid me down. I noticed her start to get up and I latched onto her wrist.

"Please stay, just stay with me. I want to be close to you." I begged, the fear of losing her suddenly slamming me with full force again. She obliged, lying down next to me and propping her head up in her hand, the other still grasped in mine.

"Alright." Despite the feeling, knowing I could physically reach out and touch her, I still worried that this was just some illusion conjured up by my lonely mind.

"Is this really real?" I whispered. Jen squeezed my hand firmly at the statement, as a reminder she was. We remained silent for a few seconds more, until she spoke up.

"After you left, I was a wreck. I felt like I was constantly hearing your name, I'd be sitting in my office and all of a sudden I'd be crying. I felt so hurt, so confused, and it took a while for me to realize that I felt this hurt because I felt something. I hid that something ever since I met you, shoved it away, denounced it as a passing infatuation, told myself time after time I was straight, and finally it hit me. When I was sitting in my office late at night and looked at the clock and suddenly realized that you were in surgery. That a stranger was going to cut you open and stick their hands inside of you, and what hurt the most was the fact that I wasn't there. I told you I would always be there for you, and I wasn't. I failed you. I got in my car and started driving to the hospital, worrying about how scared and alone you probably felt, and I knew in that instant what that feeling was, the name of what I had forced away, the name of the emotion that was currently swelling in my heart. Love." I was rendered speechless by her confession. She said love, she was here, I wasn't dreaming, I was living the dream. She kissed my cheek softly, before I felt her grin against my skin.

"What?" I asked softly.

"I can kiss you now. A month ago if I wanted to kiss you I would have denied it, but now I can kiss you just because I feel like it. It's a nice feeling." She rambled slightly, a touch of pink gracing her cheeks.

"I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss, in the lunchroom. I was terrified I'd lost you for good and yet I couldn't stop thinking about it." I admitted. She gave me another smile before an idea flickered to life in her bottomless blue eyes.

"C'mon, we're paying someone a visit." She climbed off the bed and moved the hospital-issue wheelchair closer to the bedside.

"Who?" I questioned, confused by her spontaneity.

"Just trust me Em." She moved closer to help me get out of bed, and I stopped her with a wave of my hand.

"I can do it myself." I insisted, gripping the rail on the bed before trying to sit up. I felt the color drain from my face as the wounded muscles protested my movement. I let out a small noise, almost like a whine, and before I knew it JJ had swept me into her arms bridal style. She sat me in the wheelchair and pushed me down the hall, keeping the hat stand-type thing with the IVs on it at my side. We wheeled up to the outside of a room with windowed walls, so anyone outside could see in. and lying in the hospital bed was a frail, sleeping Tegan. But she looked different now. Her skin was starting to reclaim its healthy glow, and the yellowish pallor had all but disappeared.

"She looks great." I remarked, still captivated by the image of my daughter. JJ put her hand down on my shoulder, and I placed mine atop hers.

"Yep, I saw her when I came in earlier. She's a fighter, just like her mom." She announced, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a little like I deserved the title.

**A/N yay! The surgery was a success, Jemily are giving it a go, and Tegan's on the mend, it's a leap forward on the long road to recovery. Please review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N thank you, thank you all for the amazing reviews, each one is a reminder as to why I love writing so much!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Twelve

JJ had been called away on a case in Georgia, leaving me all on my lonesome to sit and stew in this hospital bed. I hated hospitals on a good day, and having Jennifer by my side made it bearable, but being alone for days on end, I was literally going crazy. After taking a quick look around to make sure there was no one coming, I hauled myself out of bed. The stabbing pain in my side caused me to double over, and briefly, I reconsidered my master plan. Then I weighed the pain against the prospect of insanity, it was an easy choice. I sat down in the adjacent wheelchair and slowly rolled out of the room, my IV lines trailing behind me. I wheeled over to where Tegan's room was, itching for human contact.

"Hey, you're supposed to be resting." She announced as I turned the corner.

"Meh, I went rogue, just don't tell the nurses." And I chuckled slightly as my daughter mimed zipping her lips shut and tossing away the key. It was only until I reached her bedside when I noticed how much better she looked. She had a healthy blush to her cheeks, a fire in her eyes, and even her hair seemed shinier. "Wow, you look great!" I announced, essentially unable to hold the words back. She gave a sarcastic smirk before replying.

"Yep, just about ready to enter for Miss America. Haven't quite figured out the talent portion though…" her voice still had that gravelly edge to it, probably coming from years of copious smoking, but I found it suited her. She seemed like a hardened, bad-ass person, and a twinkling voice like a bell would seem out of place. I gave her a slight shrug of my shoulders.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, before the silence became too awkward and reminded me how little I knew about her.

"Besides the stabbing pain in my side each time I breathe or move? Or the awful withdrawal symptoms I'm gonna end up going through any day now? Peachy." She rolled her eyes before collapsing back against the bed. I really didn't know what to say back to her, she seemed to have that effect on me.

"Well, I can sympathize for the side pain. I nearly blacked out trying to get out of bed." She gave me a shrug of her shoulders before sighing.

"Whatever, I'm just looking forward to getting out of here and getting back to my life." That statement shocked me, and I straightened up, preparing to take on a more serious tone.

"Whatever you were doing before, that's not a life." She gave me an eye roll that would seem appropriate coming from an insolent teen that was just denied their allowance.

"Well it's all I had to rely on. I can't say the same for you." her dry retort was wounding to me, once again reminded of my shortfalls.

"I'm here now, and I always wanted to be here. Giving you away is the sole decision in my life I've regretted, and the choice wasn't even mine! My mother told me to get rid of you, I couldn't do that. All I wanted, even back then, was to be your mom." She had turned away from where I sat, and the room was cloaked in anticipation as I waited for her response. I was trying, I really was.

"Here's a newsflash, I don't need a mom, I've done fine without one." I wanted to beg and make her like me, but instead I tried another route.

"You thrive on avoidance, using it as a defense when someone gets too personal or too close to something that bothers you. Sometimes it's humor, other times sarcasm, but you never really let people know who you are. You've never really wanted to stand out much, because it's so much easier to hide in the shadows and be ignored. To most people you're a mystery, some find it alluring, others a turn-off. But no one you've ever met really knows exactly who you are." I observed, wheeling back and forth as I spoke.

"What the hell are you talking about?" she rolled her eyes irritably at my small rant.

"You. What you don't get is that we're exactly the same, carbon copies of each other. You may not believe it, but we're the same people. I grew up without a real mother as well, because mine was too busy running off to foreign countries and fielding meetings with politicians to read me bedtime stories or ask me about my day at school. She meant well, because she thought of herself as the breadwinner for the family and made it her job to provide for us, but I still slipped through the cracks. And I know you've been through a hell of a lot worse than I have, I can see that in your eyes, they seem too seasoned and world-weary for someone youthful like you, but we're cut from the same cloth. And if eventually, you're able to give me a chance, you can figure that out for yourself." I let out a small sigh, trying to keep my emotions under control. Despite the fact it was an emotional time, it was ingrained in me as a child to remain perfectly in-control and calm at all times. My voice dropped slightly, stressing the importance of what I was about to say.

"I meant well, now and back then, and I will be here, no matter whether you want me or not. Because that's what a mother does for her child." Being wheelchair-bound took a lot of the drama and emotion out of the exit from her room, but all I cared about was getting out. All of a sudden, with the room packed to the gills with my emotions, it felt claustrophobic and small, like I was trapped. Frankly, I couldn't even recall her facial expression; I had wheeled around so quickly. I reached my room and hauled myself back into bed, pressing the button for painkillers like there was no tomorrow. I lay back in a state of exhaustion, both physical and emotional, as I thumbed through the magazine left on my bedside table. The door creaking open interrupted what was possibly the most inane article about celebrity diets, and I tossed the magazine away like it was on fire.

"JJ! You wouldn't believe the day I had, I've got my hands full with Tegan, I'm at a loss for what I'm going to do with her, I-" I cut off my recounting of the day's events when I noticed how haunted and worn the blonde looked. I noticed the tears piling up in the corners of her eyes, I noticed how she was still wearing her work clothes, which were ripped and stained with spatters of blood, and I noticed how her eyelids were an angry shade of purple, indicating she hadn't slept in days. And my gaze finally rested on the clean white bandage covering her entire forearm.

"Reid was kidnapped by a delusional unsub in Georgia, we got him back, but he was tortured and beaten…" she trailed off, her voice as hollow as her eyes were. She seemed to be in shock; her beautiful blue eyes glazed over and fixed on a faraway point.

"JJ what happened to you?" I cried worriedly, thoroughly frightened by her detached appearance.

"I shouldn't have let him run off on his own, but I heard a noise… they tore her to pieces, and they lunged at me…"

"Jennifer look at me. It's over, you're okay." I wanted to hug her close to me, but right now I couldn't move from the four corners of the hospital bed. I scooted over a bit and patted the empty space next to me. Finally looking at me and not through me, JJ walked over and climbed onto the bed, awkwardly laying on top of the gun and holster still clipped to her belt. I moved my hands to her waist so I could take it off, but she froze, her hands stopping mine in a desperate grasp.

"I'm just gonna take it off so you can get comfortable Jen, it's okay." I crooned softly, trying to reassure her.

"Keep it close, just in case." She firmly requested, just the fear in her tone of voice shook my heart.

"Don't worry, I'll protect you. You're safe here with me." I reassured cautiously, placing the gun on the table next to me. Turning back to face her, I was immediately frozen in place by the overwhelming gaze of terror she had fixed me with.

"What happened Jen, can you tell me?" all at once the words poured from her mouth like a tsunami, fighting to make it out of her lips before the tears choked them out.

"There was this woman, and the unsub's dogs, they tore her apart. And I was in the barn and I saw her, there was nothing left of her Em. And all of a sudden they were there, all I could hear was their snarling around me. They leapt at me, and I had to kill them, but one caught me in the arm, I just remember the pain shooting up my arm and thinking I had to kill it before it killed me, because I had to make it back to you alive. Now every time I close my eyes all I can see is the dogs waiting, the way the flashlight glinted off their cold black eyes, their exposed snapping fangs as they lunged… I was so scared Em, I still am!" she wailed as I hugged her close to me, ignoring the pain in my side as I allowed her to curl into me like a human pillow, legs entwined, arms in a death grip around my neck, and her head resting on my chest, right above my heart.

"Shhh, it's okay sweetie, they're not here and you're fine. It's just you and I." I soothed, murmuring to her in between pressing soft kisses to the top of her head, laying them gently on her silky golden hair. Her sobs grew loud before they calmed down, tears soaking through the hospital gown and wetting my skin as she cried agonizing wails of fear. Each cry shook my body beneath hers, the emotional pain making it feel as if my heart was being wrung out to dry, twisted and squeezed, because I could do nothing more right now to soothe her. It was awful, seeing the woman I loved in such distress. Her sobs petered out, though she was still wrapped around me, like I would vanish into mist if she let me go. By now, whatever I had gone through today seemed so minor, like nothing, and the only thing on my mind was being here for Jen. I felt a soft kiss from petal-soft lips land upon the hollow of my throat, and words that came out more like an exhausted sigh.

"I love you Emily." She whispered against the curve of my neck, before snuggling back into my side. I had barely the time to overcome the shock and upwelling of emotion at her words, before they fell off my tongue almost naturally.

"I love you too Jennifer." I reassured, tightening my grip on her waist. The quiet sound of her snores floated upon the stagnant air of the hospital room, and I had never felt so relieved. When she was asleep, she seemed so peaceful, and this looked like the first real rest she had gotten for at least the duration of the case. I pressed a final kiss to her golden crown of hair before I lay back, soothed by the warmth of the woman slumbering beside me, and let myself relax. I turned out the light, taking in my surroundings in the purplish-silver hue of night, noting the ethereal look it had when it shimmered off JJ's hair and calm features, to the way it highlighted the ivory knuckles of the hand nervously clutching a fistful of my hospital gown fabric, making sure even in sleep, I remained beside her to hopefully keep her demons at bay.

**A/N I was kinda straying from the whole canon thing, but I absolutely adore the episode arc for 'The Big Game' and 'Revelations' so I had to fit it in there somewhere! I hope you enjoyed it, and please remember, reviews are awesome!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N hey! I'm terribly sorry for the wait, but between homework and whatever cold-type thing I've come down with, I've been a bit busy. I've been running on caffeine fumes and willpower for the entire week, and I just haven't been able to fit in writing time. But I'm here now, and I hope you enjoy what I have to write!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds**

Get Through

Chapter Thirteen

"C'mon, just a few more steps Emily!" JJ urged, as I limped down the hallway, trying to push past the searing pain currently raging through my side. If I had the energy I would glance down, make sure it wasn't on fire or something, it hurt that badly.

"Mother of-" I groaned, each step intensifying the agony. I had been told that I needed to be up and walking if I was to be released soon, and if it nearly killed me, I was getting released.

"Are you sure you don't want my help?" the caring blonde offered, stepping forward to help me support my weight.

"I-I'm fine." I insisted, determined to make it down this hall by myself. It was just a hall, after all I'm Emily Prentiss, badass, unsub-chasing, door-kicking superwoman! Right?

"I love that you're so determined, but I don't want you wearing yourself out." She crooned, stepping in closer to back me up against the wall I had been leaning on.

"You love me?" I rasped out happily, remembering her sleepy confession the other night. JJ's eyes were scanning my face, trailing from my forehead to my eyes, to the spot on my cheek where her hand lay, to my lips, following her finger as she traced their periphery lazily. My already tired knees were so weak I didn't think I'd be able to stand if she actually kissed me. All of a sudden, a flirtatious glance flicked through her eyes, as she strode over to the end of the hallway. I let out an audible groan of disappointment at my expectations being let down.

"Hey, get back over here!" I sighed. She let out a mischievous chuckle before answering.

"Nuh-uh. You insisted on it being this way. When you get your pretty little behind over here, then you get the kiss." Well, she sure knew how to get my attention. I continued my painful journey down the hallway, urged on by the encouraging words from JJ. I finally made it to the end of the hall, hugging the rail on the wall for dear life.

"I did it!" I gasped out, trying to catch my breath. As soon as I thought my tired legs would give out under me, Jennifer's slim arms were around my waist, holding me up against the wall. A gentle hand guided my face upwards, before my lips were met in a gentle kiss. Her plush, satin lips were placing fluttering, soft kisses upon mine, never staying in one place for too long, like a butterfly. I let out a loud moan as her tongue tentatively traced my lips, politely asking for entry.

"God Em, if you keep making noises like that I may have to forget that we're in a hospital hallway, and consider that all you're wearing is a thin hospital gown and a very small, insignificant pair of panties." She groaned, that simple, feral sound sending my heart into a fluttering fit of butterflies, each beat made up of the delicate flap of a painted silken wing. I did pull back, grasping the wall desperately so my weak knees didn't collapse beneath me. I tentatively looked up, feeling the blush blazing from my cheeks. When I met Jennifer's eyes, I was almost toppled over by the overwhelming blue gaze radiating one single emotion. Love. She looked not into my eyes, but into my very heart, the distilled purity of the emotion causing my heart to swell, butterflies blooming from their cocoons and exploding into a cacophony of delicate paisley wings, flying to one uniform beat. The words spilled from my lips before I could stop them, shaken free from that secretive room inside of me by the glee blossoming in my chest.

"Come with me?" I offered, before taking the proffered arm to support my weight. I led her to Tegan's room, the flirty, sexy atmosphere lost, in its place was a stronger bond, an intimacy, a trust, devout, infallible. She stood beside me, supporting me as we looked in through the wall of windows at her frail form.

"She was so much better yesterday." I whispered, suddenly worried by her new pallor. JJ rubbed my shoulder reassuringly.

"She used to be taking drugs remember? Now that her liver's healed she's gonna go through withdrawal." She reminded me, as I gave a distant nod. Tegan finally noticed the two of us standing there, and gave an exasperated eye roll. JJ and I shared a _"Here it comes" _look before stepping inside the room.

"So, you're a new face. Gathered from the fact you two have been unable to stop the whole eye-sex thing since you've got here, I'm guessing you're the girl who Emily's been pining for. I'm Tegan. I'd shake your hand, but these pretty little bracelets here are in the way." She held up her wrists to display the shiny new padded restraints around her wrists.

"You pined for me?" JJ crooned before moving her gaze to Tegan. "I'm Jennifer." Tegan's piercing grey eyes scanned her face, and it was obvious what she was doing, to JJ and I it had been second nature, and apparently my daughter inherited it, profiling. Before she could make any guesses about Jen I spoke up, sounding like a scolding mother to her child.

"And how did you get the restraints?" I asked, my question answering itself when Dr. Sayles entered, sporting a reddish-purple bruise around his left eye. He had obviously overheard the question.

"Because she disagreed with my professional opinion of weaning her off the drugs." He answered, in a professional voice, with a hint of humor peeking through. JJ let out a loud chuckle before fixing me with a glance.

"She is definitely your daughter." I quirked my eyebrow questioningly.

"She's punched out a few doctors as well?" my daughter asked, with a hint of surprise in her eyes. JJ gave me a look that clearly asked_ "Have you?"_

"No!" I exclaimed before being given twin looks of _"I don't believe you"_ from Tegan and JJ. "Not recently…" the bemused silence hovered still. "Okay fine! It was a twenty years ago and he wasn't a doctor! He was some stupid kid in my AP calculus class who accused me of being a wimpy little rich girl who paid people to fight my battles, so I hit him." The two women in the room burst into laughter, probably just at my irritated facial expression, before Tegan spoke up.

"Alright, I guess I can see the resemblance there." She admitted, and just the simple acknowledgment that we were similar made my heart leap into my throat.

"Well Miss Vanner, I just came to check and see how you were doing." The doctor piped up. Tegan grasped at the blankets around her skinny arms, pulling them up over her figure.

"Fine." She answered curtly, obviously not wanting to talk to the doctor. He gave her a stern look before passing me a pair of clipboards.

"These are discharge papers for the two of you, provided both of your physical exams check out, you'll be out of here by tomorrow." Matching looks of relief washed over both Tegan's and my faces "Except there are a few strings attached." He added, silencing the room again. "It would be negligent of me to release Tegan unless she was under the custody of a guardian who could make sure she gets the proper treatment and rehabilitation. So legally and ethically, the only way I can sign off on Tegan's discharge, is if she will be under the care of a legal guardian. Emily, as her biological mother and next-of-kin, that guardian is you." the entire room stood shell-shocked, like a bomb was just dropped, changing the entire landscape and climate of the area. I began to speak before I was cut off.

"I would be fine with tha-"

"No." the hoarse, hollow voice of my daughter spoke up. "No I don't want a babysitter. I don't want a mother. You can't keep me here if I refuse." She belligerently insisted.

"No, we can't keep you here forever, but we can keep you here until we find a spot open in a group home or halfway house to place you in until you have healed completely. Your choice." She seemed to mull over the options, and I was slightly hurt by the fact that she was finding a group home, which is practically a prison by another name, more appealing than living with me. The slightest flicker of an idea sparked to life behind those hardened, street-smart grey orbs, and she fixed the doctor with a calm look.

"Fine, I'll stay with Emily." She agreed reluctantly. We signed our forms and were escorted out of the room by the doctor, telling us how Tegan needed her rest and we would be returning tomorrow to pick her up. JJ helped me back to my hospital room and tucked me under the covers before lying atop them, playing with loose strands of my hair.

"You don't have to stay for this you know. I know you didn't sign on for all this, and I'm certain you never signed on to be a part of my twenty-year old delinquent's life." She placed a delicate finger on top of my lips, shushing me.

"I was aware of all this, trust me, and I'm okay with it. Don't second-guess me, or push me away, because you need me here just as much as she needs you, neither of you can just accept that though. You two are more alike than you realize, which is why I can't leave you and your twenty-year old delinquent. She's a part of you." she affirmed. I was given a light kiss before the blonde ordered that I get some rest. The next morning I was up early, packing my bags so I could be out of here as soon as possible.

"I'm so glad I don't have to wear a hospital gown anymore!" I announced, admiring my figure in the mirror on the back of the hospital bathroom door, wearing street clothes for the first time in what felt like forever. "I was getting tired of having to hold the back shut so my ass doesn't show" JJ came up behind me, resting her chin on my shoulder and her hands around my waist.

"I dunno, I for one, appreciated that feature." She pressed teasing little kisses behind my ear and jawbone as her hands trailed from my waist downwards. They caressed the outer part of my thighs before their presence was gone, instead moving to swipe the suitcase out from my hands.

"Tease." I muttered beneath my breath as she began to head down the hall before adorably peeking her head back into the room.

"Are you going to get that hot little hidden ass moving, or have you developed an attachment to the place?" she joked, knowing my dislike of hospitals. I bolted from the room as fast as possible, earning a chuckle from the blonde. She sidled up beside me, placing a quick kiss to my cheek.

"I'll go drop off these last few forms at the nurses' station, you go fetch your daughter." I walked the familiar path to Tegan's room, and swung open the door in a flourish.

"Tegan, your ride is here-" my voice fell flat on its face when I actually looked into the room. The bed she had once taken up residence in was wrinkled and unmade, any of her few personal belongings were gone, and the entire room radiated emptiness and abandon. It was if she had never existed. She just disappeared.

**A/N un-oh, she's been in Emily's custody for a few hours and she's already in the wind, Tegan's a crafty one!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N I'm back! I was planning on updating during the weekend, but schoolwork had to take priority. Plus I didn't want to leave the cliffhanger for too long, I know as a reader that it kills me!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but I do own a certain sarcastic, secretive runaway.**

Get Through

Chapter Fourteen

I had hoped the initial panic attack would fade, that the emotional, maternal side of me would be put in its place by the calm, rational FBI agent side, the side of me I trained for years to build up. Instead, as the seconds ticked by, the worried tightness that was squeezing my chest so tightly it felt like my lungs and heart would surely burst continued growing, spreading outwards and paralyzing my limbs like some unknown toxin. My eyes were fixated forward on the empty bed, certain that if I blinked she would reappear, but also unable to move my frozen eyelids.

"Emily?" JJ's voice bubbled up from somewhere behind me, sounding like she was far away. The single word snapped me back into reality, and the sudden onslaught of truth nearly knocked me off my feet.

"She's- she's gone." The words slipping from my lips were painful, a physical kick to the chest. Warm hands came and grasped me on my forearms, as JJ tried to get me to look into her eyes.

"Emily calm down." I stepped back, out of her grasp, pacing back and forth on the hallway twice before turning to face her.

"Don't tell me to calm down Jennifer, my child is missing!" I screamed, my mind running on autopilot. I saw the wheels turning in JJ's head as she thought. She walked over to the nurses' station, leaving me to pace the linoleum floor.

"Hello, I was wondering if you authorized the discharge for a Tegan Vanner. Did you happen to see her leave?" the tinny voices barely registered in my brain, like a radio with poor service, the garbled words barely audible over the flurried buzzing.

"I'm sorry Miss, I haven't seen her, we're understaffed as it is, I haven't seen her, but I've been supervising the entire floor, I've been a bit busy." She dipped her head apologetically before scurrying away to attend to another problem. JJ walked back to where I stood pacing the floor still. She firmly grasped me by the shoulders, stopping my forward motion. I opened my mouth to protest, or lash out, or say something, but I was cut off before the words could fit together in my head.

"Okay Emily, I get that you're scared, I get you're panicking, but if you care at all at helping Tegan, you need to overcome it. She's street smart, she's a resourceful kid, she's spent god knows how much of her life fending for herself. She's as safe as possible out there. I don't want to sound insensitive Em, but you need to take whatever feelings you're having and shove them away into one of your patented little boxes, and profile her, okay?" she barked in a caring but authoritative manner, clearing my head like throwing open a window in a musty house. I suddenly and unexpectedly felt my knees crumble out from under me. JJ's hands were steadfast and unmoving, not letting me fall for an instant, instead crushing me to her slim but sturdy figure as I cried. My throat burned as the sobs forced their way out awkwardly, and like it was second nature to me, I ticked off the numbers in my head.

_One_

My lungs were wracked with spasms as I coughed and hiccupped on tears. I felt my mental walls disintegrating, crumbling away into nothing before I could stop it.

_Two_

One brick fell away, and others weakened under the sudden loss, falling away like dominoes, each thud or crack of the strong walls loosening more sorrows.

_Three_

Jennifer shifted me in her arms to support my limp weight, kneeling on the floor in the middle of the hallway and taking me into her arms.

_Four_

Tears were soaking through the shoulder of JJ's grey wool blazer, though I had long since forgotten about looking composed right now.

_Five_

A nurse passing through the hallway stopped and offered assistance, even going so far as asking whether I needed to be sedated. JJ waved her away without a look.

_Six_

My eyes were stinging now, I guess they weren't used to this much emotion, I rarely cried as a child, which is where my little method came from.

_Seven_

I was sniffling now, cries coming in gentle little hiccups. I felt the light dappling of Jennifer's fingers rubbing soothing circles up my shoulder blades.

_Eight_

Her nose and lips were pressed against my temple, murmuring soft phrases into my ear, it sounded like she was singing.

_Nine_

I took a fluttering breath in, wiping at the circles of mascara that I knew would have bled. I swallowed the lump in my throat bravely, wiping away the last of my tears.

_Ten_

I lurched up from off the ground fluidly, receiving an incredulous look from the blonde who just a few seconds ago I was clinging to for dear life.

"Are you okay?" she warily asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, I needed that, but that was all." Ten seconds, ten seconds is all it takes for me to re-compose myself. "Come on, we're leaving." I grabbed JJ by the hand and yanked her down the hall.

"Geez Em, slow down! If you keep this up you'll grind my heels down to flats by the time we reach the parking garage!" I ignored her, along with the burning pain ripping through my side. I was a mother on a mission.

"You're driving." I ordered the blonde, who gave me a quizzical look.

"You're the controlling one here, why don't you want to drive?" she offered, holding out the keys to the hulking black SUV

"I just had surgery a little over a week ago, with the pain meds I'm on I'm no longer authorized to use an electric pencil sharpener, let alone drive a car." I shot back, leaping into the passenger seat.

"Oh yeah, surgery. Wouldn't have known with the way you dragged me down that hospital hallway." She muttered, throwing in an eye roll for extra effect. Despite our sour comments, as soon as she began driving out of the parking lot she reached over to grasp my hand reassuringly, the other still firmly planted on the wheel.

"Okay Emily, you're the profiler here, Tegan's desperate, she's scared, and she's on the run, where might she go?" she asked, her businesslike voice not betraying any emotion. She's panicked, she's looking for the familiar, the comforting, the place she could rely on, which is obviously out there on the streets.

"Just keep going until you hit Clarke Boulevard, go down every alley off that street, she'll be there, that's where the highest concentration of drug trafficking and prostitution is." The words tasted wrong in my mouth, to associate them with my daughter. We rode in silence, still sharing those linked hands, searching the streets full of world-weary faces for that one. I leapt out, the car had slowed to a crawl anyway, and began to look harder. I heard JJ squawk from back in the car, but I continued on.

"Are you insane! You had major surgery a week ago and now you're jumping out of moving vehicles? You aren't some spy on TV Emily! God you scared me so much, first thing I know your hand isn't there and then all I see is the door hanging open and you're gone!" she was screeching now, drawing attention to the two of us from the crowd of greyish transients.

"We're FBI!" I cried out, taking advantage of the crowd. "I'm looking for Tegan Vanner, I'm not here to cause trouble!" JJ hovered nearby, and I stealthily lifted JJ's badge from her belt before flashing it quickly, so no one could read it.

"Ah know her!" a woman wearing fishnets and not much else called out. "She in trouble or sum'thin?" her lazy drawl slightly irritated me, every word of hers was slow, it was wasting time I could be spending finding my daughter.

"Where is she?" I nearly begged, the woman playing with her primped blonde hair.

"Last I saw'er she was over behind the dumpsters on Adelaide, curled in a ball whimpering some nonsense." Without giving it a second thought, I wheeled around with JJ on my heels, running the street over. I found the familiar slate-grey eyes, peering out from behind her arms meekly while her entire body shook. I took the shaking as a negative sign, the words falling off my tongue painfully.

"You aren't high are you?" I asked her worriedly. She squinted up at me, her jaw set tightly.

"Hell no, I wasn't going through all that shit and surgery to screw it all up. It hurts like hell, that's the problem." She spat out through gritted teeth.

"We picked up your prescription before we went to get you from your hospital room, it's in the car." I reassured. "JJ, can you get the car ready?" I kneeled down and picked up my daughter, ignoring the pain of my side and focusing on how my daughter weighed about as much as a seven year old girl. She curled into my grasp, knotting her bony fingers into my blazer lapel. I felt my heart swell happily at her showing this affection, this need for my proximity. I placed her across the backseats in the car, giving her a painkiller and watching her doze off contentedly. I took my earlier spot in the passenger seat, JJ getting in beside me, and we just sat in silence.

"Emily, are you all right?" she grasped my hand to press a concerned kiss to my knuckles. I took a quick look in the rearview mirror at the peaceful sleeping face of my daughter. Happy tears welled up in my eyes, and I was too content to blink them away. I spoke softly, as if I talked louder it would shatter the happiness.

"I may need another ten seconds."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N yay! Thank you all for your reviews! I managed to fit this chapter in after re-watching the season premiere. I respect that Jeanne Tripplehorn is a good actress, but I miss Emily! Now who is going to be JJ's soulmate? I do hope she comes back, I mean she did get fired and return once already right? Return to us Paget Brewster, the future of the Jemily 'ship depends on it! Nah, that may be a little white lie, Jemily's still the best non-existent criminal minds femslash relationship ever, and I'll continue to write it!**

**-Nightshade**

**Hmm… since Emily's gone, does that mean I can own her now? Nah, she's still property of CBS, along with the rest of the show and its characters.**

Get Through

Chapter Fifteen

JJ watched me like a hawk the entire ride back to my apartment, probably worried I would pull some stupid stunt like jumping out of the car again. I found her worry a little comforting though, so I didn't complain about it, and kept my hand firmly grasped within hers throughout the car ride. The slow ache that had spread through my body, pooling in my limbs and head, was exhausting, and I tried my hardest to stay awake. JJ gave a soft chuckle as my eyelids drooped shut, causing me to pitch forward limply and nearly smack my nose against the dashboard. We pulled up to a red light, and she stopped the car before leaning over to gently brush away my lightly mussed hair.

"Get some rest; we still have twenty minutes or so until we reach your apartment. Don't worry; I'll still be here when you wake up." she lovingly stroked my cheek, before pressing a soft kiss to the same place. I leaned back in the seat, getting myself comfortable, still holding her hand. I felt the car start, feeling the rush of power from beneath me as I slowly swayed in the clutches of sleep. I slowly felt myself regaining consciousness, feeling the soothing motion shifting beneath me into something different. I woke up to find myself hovering above the floor on the elevator to my apartment, held against a familiar chest with a delicate heartbeat thrumming against my shoulder, and a pair of warm arms holding me up. I looked up to see JJ, and I snuggled deeper into the embrace before blushing at the close proximity.

"Why are you carrying me?" I asked tiredly, as I stumbled to my feet.

"I tried to wake you up in the car, but you were dead to the world, so after I brought Tegan up to your place I decided just to carry you up as well, I wasn't going to let you spend the night in the car." She exclaimed as I walked to the other side of the elevator before pacing back.

"So you carried the both of us, one after another?" I asked in disbelief.

"Hey, I'm not just a pretty face! I can pull, or carry my own weight, plus your daughter weighs as much as a ragdoll. You on the other hand… you should lay off the decadent treats, you were a bit of a struggle." She teased, before playfully prodding me in the stomach, wearing a huge smile.

"Oh, you, Jennifer Jareau, are gonna pay for that…" I trailed off, with a devious smile on my face. Just at that moment the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, so Jennifer and I could bolt out into the hall.

"Catch me if you can!" The blonde crowed victoriously as she sprinted ahead of me. I was a lot slower than her, especially because of the injured side, but she didn't realize I had an advantage on her. She reached my door, squealing like a little girl when she tried the handle and her face fell. She didn't have a key! I was seconds behind her, easily pinning the shorter blonde against the wall beside my apartment door while I tickled her, eliciting delicious giggles, like the pealing of bells.

"Mercy, I cry mercy!" she choked out between breathless laughs, though I continued my tickle assault on her flat tummy. It was only when a neighbor of mine, a woman twenty years my elder, stepped out of her apartment wearing an irritated mask did I realize both how late it is and how loud we were being. I felt myself redden as I realized the scene my neighbor had walked in on, with me straddling JJ's hips and her pinned against the wall, both giggling like schoolgirls.

"I apologize Loretta, we'll be quiet now." my announcement earned me a scalding glare from the old woman as she stalked back into her apartment. I finally disentangled myself from JJ and unlocked the door to my apartment and leading her inside. We stood in awkward silence for a second or two before the both of us burst out into infectious hoots and howls of laughter. We were leaning over, grasping our stomachs which hurt from the sidesplitting laughter, holding on to each other to stop us from falling to the ground in a puddle of giggles.

"Your neighbor thinks we're crazy! I mean did you see that look she gave us!" JJ gasped out, red-faced and panting.

"I'll have to avoid her for the rest of my life here, I may need to move out!" I added, struggling to breathe as well. An angry pounding against the far wall turned our laughs into stifled titters.

"This Loretta woman has quite the fist." Jennifer observed, the huge cheesy smile staying plastered to her face.

"I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard." I was slowly regaining my breath, now.

"Yeah, this job will do that to you." the tone in the room had lost its jest, but the happy aura remained. This time I gently pushed the younger woman back against the wall, meeting her awaiting lips in a soft and languid kiss. I wanted to remember everything about this, how it released a flurry of butterflies in my chest when her tongue brushed against mine, how divinely sweet her lips tasted, how she made this adorable little moan every time we kissed. She gently swapped our positions, flipping so my back was against the wall. Her one hand was resting upon the nape of my neck, tracing unintelligible patterns along the small patch of skin. She gently sucked on my tongue, causing me to groan audibly, before placing chaste little kisses upon my jawline.

"My God JJ, do you have any idea what you do to me?" I moaned as her lips trailed upwards to my ear.

"What? You mean when I do this?" she innocently whispered against my ear, nibbling at my earlobe before meeting my lips in another searing kiss. She sucked on my tongue again, this time gently nipping with her teeth as her own tongue lazily teased mine. I swore my knees nearly gave out from under me, and I would have fallen if it wasn't for the wall as support. i knotted my hand in her beautiful blonde locks, and her hands began to migrate downward, skimming the edges of my breasts before cupping my ass.

"Are you two done yet? Because between the laughter and the moaning I'm having a bitch of a time falling asleep." Tegan's raspy voice snapped both of us out of our thoughts, JJ letting out a surprised squeak at being discovered. My daughter rubbed one of her shadowy eyes before heading back into the guest bedroom.

"What is it with people walking in on us today?" Jennifer chuckled before stepping away from me. "I'll show myself out, you have a daughter to deal with." She began to move towards the door before my hand shot out and caught her.

"No, please stay. We've spent the last week sharing a bed; I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep without you, please? I promise I will not try and jump you in the middle of the night, scout's honor, cross my heart and hope to die." I begged, throwing in the last bit to lighten the mood. She gave me a deliberating look, her eyebrows furrowed in exaggerated thought.

"You were never a scout!" she pointed out before walking back into the house.

"Whatever." I muttered, rolling my eyes before giving her a quick kiss.

"Hey, you said you'd behave!" JJ wagged her finger at me in mock-scolding. "I'll go down to the car and grab my go-bag. You go get your daughter sorted out." She instructed before turning and leaving. I walked into the guest bedroom to see Tegan sitting on top of the sheets, still clad in her day clothes.

"I'll go find you a pair of pajamas, and there's an extra toothbrush you can use in the third drawer of the bathroom cabinet, you can borrow my hairbrush if you want." I offered, watching her warily walk out of the room. Heading to my bedroom, I rifled through my drawers until I found a t-shirt and pair of pajama pants that looked like they may fit her. They were gently laid out on the comforter in her room before I headed over to the kitchen to put away some dishes that had been forgotten and left in the drying rack. I got changed into an oversized shirt and a thin pair of pants before JJ returned with her bag. I directed her to my room so she could put her stuff down and change. The sound of water running stopped, so I went to go check and make sure Tegan was in bed. She lay huddled beneath the comforter in a ball, only her head sticking out from her little cocoon.

"If you need anything tonight, don't be afraid to ask me, okay?" she nodded infinitesimally in the dark room. I was just about to close the door before I saw the terror flash in her grey eyes.

"Leave that open! Please?" She asked-no-begged me. I decided not to push the matter, worried that if I confronted all her demons at once, she'd shut me out. It was what I would do in her position.

"Of course. Goodnight Tegan." My voice softened at how vulnerable she looked. I left the door open, her face illuminated by the thin stripe of light that shone through. I waited until she fell asleep, until her face went peaceful, and her breathing evened out. I fought the unexpected urge to go tuck her in or kiss her forehead, instead settling on returning to my room where JJ lay in bed. I crawled in beside her, savoring her calming warmth. She sleepily toyed with the fabric at the hem of my shirt, before drawing swirling patterns on the thin strip of skin there.

"I love you Jennifer." The words gently floated upon the relaxed atmosphere, and I placed a soft kiss on one closed eyelid before it fluttered open, revealing a twin pair of crystalline blue orbs, clouded and softened by sleep.

"Love you too Em." She murmured against the fabric of my top, snuggling close into my side as she fell asleep. I allowed myself one second to take in the comforting ease of it all, putting my daughter to bed before falling asleep in JJ's arms, it was perfect. On that happy thought, I closed my eyes, and drifted off too. It felt like mere minutes had gone by before I was yanked out of my sleep by a high-pitched, keening scream. The clock on my bedside table proclaimed it to be three AM, and I lurched out of bed to discover the source of the noise. It took me to Tegan's room, where she lay in the gray light, thrashing and screaming. Despite my earlier exhaustion I rushed over to her, putting my hand on her shoulder and trying to wake her.

"Tegan, Tegan honey, wake up." I crooned, shocked as her thrashing grew violent. I was holding her down in the worry that she might injure her side, and as a result she was clawing at my neck viciously, trying to escape whatever was after her.

"Get off me, please don't hurt me! I'll be good I swear!" she pleaded, tears glinting upon her cheeks. I ignored the stinging pain in my neck from where she was gouging with her amazingly sharp fingernails.

"Tegan it's Emily! It's your mom!" I yelled, trying to be heard over her cries. Her eyes snapped open, brimming with terror before she clutched at my neck and began to cry. Her salty tears were burning the raw skin on my neck and shoulders, but I didn't complain, I was too shocked that she actually wanted to hug me.

"What happened?" JJ burst into the room in a hurry, flicking all the lights on in a panic. "Emily what happened to your neck? What's wrong?" I imagined what we must look like, my neck scratched up, reddened and angry, with my detached, distant daughter clutching to me for dear life.

"It's okay, it was just a nightmare." I told JJ before turning down to Tegan. "It was just a nightmare, you're okay, you're okay." I reassured, rocking her in my arms slightly. She looked up at me with plaintive eyes, like those of a child who had just dreamt of the boogeyman. It was heart-wrenching, and I wiped away the tears that had collected on her sunken cheeks. She gave a slight sniffle, trying to keep control of her emotions, but making no move to leave the safety of my arms. JJ gave me an understanding look before heading back to bed, leaving me alone with her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offered, now that we were alone. One look in her guarded eyes made me worry she'd say no.

"Not now, can I tell you tomorrow? It's all too fresh right now." I nodded, just happy to have her consider talking to me.

"Of course." I affirmed before pressing a maternal kiss to her forehead.

"I'm sorry, about your neck. I didn't mean to." She begged, suddenly looking more scared than before. "It was a mistake, please don't punish me!" she curled up, suddenly guarding her head.

"I'm not! I know it was an accident, it's alright, I'm perfectly fine." I reassured her. She went silent, and I worried I overstayed my welcome. I started moving towards the door until the scared sound of her voice halted my forward motion.

"Emily? Can you stay with me?" she called from her huddled form on the bed.

"Alright." I acquiesced, turning back to where she lay. I sat down on top of the covers near her feet, resting my hand on top of her blanket-clad legs to reassure her that I was staying there. I slowly felt her fall back asleep, and in the time that took, I began to drift off as well. Before I could even feel my head hit the comforter, I was out like a light.

**A/N whew, that was a long chapter! I hope you all enjoy it, and if so, leave a review, pretty please? (bats eyelashes and does the Puss-In-Boots eyes)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N yay, it's the weekend which means I've got plenty of time to update! I couldn't decide whether to post another chapter for Get Through, or work on a new idea that's been bouncing around in my head, so I guess I'll try to do both! But firstly, chapter sixteen! (This chapter contains descriptions of child abuse; I'll try not to make it too explicit, but just to forewarn you)**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Sixteen

The hazy figure of a blonde appeared in my field of vision, and I blinked a couple of times to clear the sleep out of my eyes.

"Whoa, head rush." I groaned as the room spun when I sat up. JJ was standing in the doorframe, just contently watching us.

"You never came back to bed last night, I woke up and you weren't there and then I came in here to see you two snuggled together on the bed… you two look really cute together, she almost seems peaceful when she's asleep." JJ mused. Both the coffee in her hand and her subtle beauty called me out of bed, and I walked over to where she stood to meet her in a chaste kiss. JJ was so preoccupied she didn't notice me slip my hand around her mug of coffee before dashing out of the room.

"Hey, get your own!" she giggled as she chased me into the kitchen. We stood apart, staring at each other like two cowboys in an old western film. She quirked her eyebrow mischievously, putting on a faux-serious stare.

"No one stands between Jennifer Jareau and her morning coffee." She growled, her blue eyes hardening. I suddenly remembered the time the coffee machine in the bullpen broke, and three agents nearly quit the Bureau that day after a visit to Agent Jareau's office left them running for their lives. I'm pretty sure we saw that bulky agent from white collar crimes crying. Wisely-and with great trepidation- I placed the coffee on the countertop and took two steps away, flashing the blonde a nervous smile. Her demeanor immediately changed, and she skipped forward to claim the mug before placing an innocent kiss to my cheek.

"Smart move." She chuckled before passing another cup of the aromatic brew to me. I heard the creaking of floorboards coming from the guest room before leaving my coffee on the counter.

"I'll just go check on Tegan, I'll be right back." I told JJ before I tiptoed to my daughter's room, not wanting to wake her if she still was asleep and I was just hearing things. I gently pressed my hands against the wood of the door, soundlessly pushing it open, when the sight on the other side froze me in place. Tegan was facing the opposite direction, looking for a shirt to wear, so her entire back was bare and on display. Her skin was a haphazard mess of both old and new scars, forming zigzag lines and oddly raised and rippled pink patches along skin that should have been ivory and clean. I guess I must have gasped or something, because she slowly turned to face me, highlighting a jumble of pink scars that arched from her right shoulder blade and down her arm, spelling out WORTHLESS in angry capital letters. I couldn't tell whether they were self-inflicted or not. She angrily shoved a long-sleeved shirt over her head, mussing her hair and hiding the layers and layers of scars.

"What the hell are you doing?" she yelled, wheeling around. It took that single glance, brown eyes staring into silver, for her anger to denature into sadness and hurt.

"Get the fuck out! Just leave! Get the hell out of here and leave me alone! What do you even want from me?!" she screamed through her tears, as I backed out of the door. It was slammed in my face, and I jumped at the loud thud of a fist being thrown at the wood of the door. I sighed, waiting until the thumping and pounding died down, and I knocked on the door.

"Tegan?" no answer came from the other side. I sighed in defeat and anxiety, before walking off to my room. JJ noticed me, and wordlessly walked to Tegan's door. She muttered something so quiet I couldn't make it out from where I stood watching. The door opened just a crack, and the blonde slipped in. I was slightly envious at JJ's ability to say a few words and Tegan would let her in. All I wanted was her to give me a chance, but each time it begins to look up I do something to scare her back behind her walls. Now I understand what everyone's talking about when they mention the "famous Prentiss walls". I heard hushed conversation and soft sniffling from inside the room, and I couldn't decide whether to try to listen in or not. On one hand, it would be a betrayal of both Tegan and JJ's trust, but my curiosity was growing. I decided against it, knowing how detrimental to the budding relationship between Tegan and me it could be. A few more minutes passed before I heard the soft knock at the door, and I took it as permission to go in. I softly entered the room, hardly able to breathe should it screw something up. JJ was hugging Tegan, who was gripping her and holding on for dear life, sobbing into her shoulder. She stood back, still remaining in JJ's embrace.

"Remember what I told you, okay?" JJ whispered, to which my daughter nodded furiously, wiping away the tears from her eyes. Jennifer walked over to me, more like a pass-by, placing her hand on my shoulder and leaning in to my ear.

"Just listen to what she has to say." She squeezed my shoulder affectionately before leaving the room. I sat beside my daughter, who was on the floor cross-legged leaning against her bed. I didn't touch her, just sat near enough to be a constant reminder that I was there.

"JJ told me how scared you are, how you just want to be here. She told me to give you a chance." My daughter started to speak, while I remained motionless and silent.

"I don't want people feeling sorry for me, or looking at me like a victim. Because I'm not." She stared straight ahead, eyes fixed on some point in the distance as if she was telling all this to someone else, and I just happened to be there at the same time. I nodded softly.

"Emily?" she finally looked over at me, her silver eyes pleading.

"Yes?"

"You can breathe now; I'm not going to freak out." She gave me a slim smile, and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. "I'm sorry again for last night, I thought you were one of them." Her voice dropped an octave as she spoke.

"Who?" I wondered out loud.

"it doesn't really matter who, there are so many different ones, so many different faces haunt me, eventually it becomes a challenge to tell them apart." The room was a deadly quiet as she thought. "My childhood was a living hell, I'm pretty sure you've seen cases in your job where the foster system has failed?" her statement was all-too true; I had seen so many people who never recovered from their broken pasts. I nodded my head in agreement.

"Too many times." Was all I could say.

"Well that was my life. The first few families were nice, but everyone's nice to the babies. It was when I turned five; I was put in a home with six other kids. The parents were so overwhelmed they forgot to feed all of us at some points. The next one was when I was seven. The woman there was so angry; it was never quiet there because she always yelled. Eventually someone called the police about the noise, so I was only there for a year. The next house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, because the husband would mercilessly beat us if we spoke. I eventually learned that silence could be a good friend. I lived with them until I was twelve, when someone at my school finally called children's aid after my fourth broken arm. My next family had a son of their own, and a cat, until their kid killed it. Since I never talked, they just pretended I didn't exist, I wasn't given food or water, I wasn't allowed to sit with them for dinner or on the couch. I ran into issues when the cat died, because that was the only living thing that would share its food with me. Of course I had no friends, because in school I was the weird girl who sat in the back of the class, never made eye contact or spoke a word. But that wasn't a problem, because I had a new school when I was fourteen anyway, along with a new family. At first they seemed nice; they fed me, and were patient even when I wouldn't talk. But the fifth night I was there, the husband started sneaking into my room at night. At first he did nothing, just watched me sleep. But eventually he wanted to touch me. He kept complimenting me, telling me I was special and that I should trust him. It hurt so much, but I couldn't tell anyone, I wasn't allowed to. That continued for a while, and his wife didn't even take notice until I was sixteen. She got so mad, she blamed me for her husband's actions, and she made me think it was my fault he snuck into my room every night, she hit me hard. She nearly killed me once; she was in such a blind rage she forgot to stop hitting me. That was the night I ran away, I didn't care how much it hurt, I didn't care how dizzy I was and how much blood there was, I just ran until I collapsed. From that day on I had no home, I lived on the streets, and for the first time in my life, I actually felt safe and accepted. The darkness at night became my constant companion, and I was home. All I wanted to do was forget, so I drank, and one day I'm sick and I ended up in the hospital where I met you. There, that's my life story, are you satisfied now? Can you finally leave me like everyone else?" she was crying again, staring daggers at me, expecting me to leave. I was certain I was crying as well, trembling horribly as all my guilt bubbled to the surface.

"I didn't want any of that to happen. I thought I was doing you a favor back then, I-oh god what did I do? All I-all-what did I do?" I sobbed softly, choking out the words as if they'd make any difference; I see why she hates me now, because if I had just kept her then she would have had such a better life! I felt her bony hand rubbing my back, it felt wrong, her comforting me, the child comforting the mother. As if she could read my mind, she responded.

"I'm not a child anymore, I forgive you." those seven words simultaneously broke and healed my heart. The simple admission that her innocence had been stolen from her, that she had already grown up, that I had missed it, hurt more than anything I ever had to deal with. But her forgiveness, that was worth more than anything money could ever buy me.

"Thank you." was all I could make out before the both of us began to cry. I leaned forward to wrap my daughter in my arms, needing a hug just about as much as she did.

"Don't give up on me, please. I'm not healed, and I don't know if I ever will. But I need someone to stand by me for once, and I actually like you and JJ, so I may yell and scream and run off and make you want to pound your head against the wall, but don't give up on me, promise?" she pleaded, her voice was so innocent and pure, so childlike, that at first it was hard to reply to her because of the overwhelming flood of emotion.

"I promise. I love you." I whispered, as if it was a prized secret that only Tegan was allowed to know. She whispered in my ear as well, something that nearly stopped my heart out of sheer shock and euphoria.

"Thank you, Mom."

**A/N aww, I couldn't resist a little happiness in there, I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews pretty please?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N thank you for all the reviews! To any Grey's Anatomy fans out there, I've just started my first Callie/Arizona fic, A Chance at Happiness, so feel free to check it out. Okay, my moment of shameless self-promotion's over now, enjoy the story!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, CBS does, and unless I win the lottery, they'll continue to own it!**

Get Through

Chapter Seventeen

It was a lazy morning, one of many in the lazy past few weeks. I wasn't allowed to even think of returning to work up until now, and being imprisoned in my apartment was slowly killing me. JJ was off doing some grocery shopping or something of the sort, because apparently if you didn't go out and do so every week, you ended up running out of food. She had left me with a kiss on the cheek and a list of chores to complete. Tegan was hovering around the main room, staring out at the city as it flew by outside the window. The fridge needed cleaning, so I had started on that, absentmindedly singing wordless songs as I went.

"These are all in other languages!" Tegan announced, studying the books on my shelf. She picked up a large tome, with a sandy-brown worn cover, before flipping through the thin, flimsy pages, studying the elegant, intricate script. "What language is this even written in?" I recognized the formal gold script on the spine, immediately calling to memory the book.

"It's Arabic." I clarified, slightly smirking at her astonished expression as she stared blankly at the foreign characters.

"And you can read it? What are you, some sort of genius?" she scoffed as she slid the heavy book back into its spot, before selecting a new one to gawk over.

"I'm no genius trust me, when you meet my colleagues, you'll meet a real genius." I thought immediately of Reid, the tall, lanky man with boyish shaggy hair, a boyish innocence about him, multiple doctorates and a sky-high IQ. I continued mucking about in the fridge, tossing out a container of old meat when I had trouble discerning whether it was steak, chicken, or whether it was even meat at all. My cell phone rang somewhere far-off in the apartment, and my hands were too full of maybe-meat to go get it.

"Tegan, can you pick that up for me please?" I asked. Half of me wanted it to be a case, looking forward to working with my colleagues, along with escaping the prison of my "bed rest". The other half of me didn't want to leave, because I had nothing prepared for Tegan, and I was also enjoying not having to think about dead bodies or unsubs. It was quite refreshing.

"Umm… why is there some angry dude on the other end of the line asking for an Agent Prentiss?" she queried, passing the phone to me. Groaning at my unanswered prayer, I held it against my ear with my shoulder, while washing my hands and kicking the fridge door shut.

"Prentiss here."

"Emily, why is there a teenage girl picking up your phone?" he asked confusedly. I had to suppress a chuckle; Tegan did have something about her that made her seem too young for her own body.

"She's not a teenager, she's twenty-two, and she's my daughter. It's a long story, but why are you calling me in?" I saw Tegan growl out of the corner of my eye over her age being belittled.

"I didn't want to do this Emily, but with Gideon gone we're stretched pretty thin over here. We have a case in Denver that we need you for. Wheels go up in an hour and a half. Oh, and can you contact JJ as well?" he asked, right as said blonde bustled into the door with an armful of groceries. She gave me a look that clearly stated "oh, come on!" before grabbing her go-bag and mine, not even needing for me to say a word.

"Yeah, sure, she's here, but wait, Gideon's gone?" I asked incredulously. Gideon, Jason Gideon, the man who could hunt down a criminal like a bloodhound, one of the original profilers, gone? I just couldn't fathom it.

"You'll hear about it on the plane, but I need you two here soon." He hung up promptly without saying another word. I turned to JJ, who was already fumbling with her cell phone.

"We have a case." I sighed as Tegan peered around the corner, confused by the sudden explosion of activity.

"And from the stuff Garcia's e-mailed me, it's gonna be a tough one." she groaned and I instantly knew what she was talking about. Children.

"Tegan, can you get a bag packed in the next ten minutes?" I asked. I was suddenly confused as to what to do with my twenty-two year old recovering addict. It's not like I could just call up a babysitter or something to watch her, and after the running away stunt she pulled in the hospital I sure as hell wasn't leaving her here alone. She returned with a meager backpack, standing at attention.

"We've been called into work." I said, like it clarified the situation any more.

"So where do I go?" she asked the obvious, huffing at the possibility of being dumped with a stranger for a few days to become someone else's problem

"I'm making it up as I go along!" I called, already out the door and on my way to the car. The drive to the BAU was brief, filled with the semi-comfortable lull of silence. I could tell JJ was on edge, which worried me for the upcoming case. The blonde was always so stoic, although there are cases that get to all of us. Ones with kids are the unfortunate exception. Gently I placed my hand atop hers where it lay on the steering wheel before squeezing gently, trying to offer some small amount of reassurance. The quiet look she gave me, not spoiling the silence with words, was enough to say thank you. The BAU bullpen was crowded as ever, and Tegan nervously gravitated towards me, trying to avoid the hustle and bustle of unknown people racing around us. The rest of the team, minus Gideon, was assembled in the roundtable room, going over photos of families on the screens. They fixed us with an odd look as they sized up the new visitor.

"Who's the mini-Prentiss?" Morgan quipped as we entered the room. Secretly I was happy that other people recognized the resemblance, like it made her more my own. I stepped aside so Tegan wasn't so hidden before introducing her.

"This is my daughter, Tegan. Tegan these are my colleagues, my boss Aaron Hotchner, then there's Doctor Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, and Penelope Garcia." I pointed at each of my colleagues in turn. They still gave me bizarre looks, but at least everyone was slightly familiar.

"You know you can't bring her on the case." Hotch stated the obvious. Thank-you, Aaron Hotchner, for pointing out how unprepared I am, and what a horrible parent I'm becoming! I suddenly felt inadequate in the presence of Hotch the super-parent, able to balance this job, and have an adorable son who idolized him. My cheeks reddened as I spoke.

"Yeah, well, I kind of have nowhere to leave her, so…" I trailed off dumbly, while my daughter puffed out her chest in irritation.

"Her is still here, and she objects to be talked about like she's not!" she fired back, causing the entire room to chuckle.

"Spunky, I like her already!" Derek crowed, earning a smile from the girl beside me. This seemed like the first time she was really being accepted into a group, at least one that didn't do drugs. Garcia rushed up to where Tegan stood, sinking her neon-painted fingernails into the fabric of her sweater before giving me puppy-dog eyes.

"I'll take her!" she chirped excitedly, before turning to my daughter. "I'll teach you how to hack and we can dig up all sorts of dirt on Emily's past! I remember coming across a few photos of my little sugarplum here in her 'wild child' phase, there's excellent bribery material out there on the World Wide Web, and it's ripe for the hacking! Plus I'll teach you how to dig up Prince William's phone number! You get that, and you're practically guaranteed a job in the Bureau…" The hyperactive blonde dragged my daughter from the room by the elbow, rambling away.

"Please try not to get my daughter blacklisted by the FBI!" I called after them. Turning towards the team, I sighed.

"Gideon?" Reid shot a glance at Morgan before turning to me.

"Daughter?" he asked, the young genius's eyebrows shooting upwards in surprise. Hotch bustled past us, practically having to drag his agents out the door.

"We'll talk about all this on the plane!" he groaned.

**A/N it's short, I know, and a little rushed. I was planning on making the chapter twice as long, but it's getting late and I didn't want to make one large, extremely rushed chapter. So the rest of this will be coming up in the near distant future. Hmm… Garcia and Tegan alone with the computers, how much trouble can they cause? Reviews are like Hotch smiles, each one such a special event that they just light up my world!**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N I'm terribly sorry for the long wait, but juggling two stories at the same time's a bit of a new experience, so it takes a little adjustment. Not that the excuses make any difference though! And a quick shout out to any Canadian readers out there, happy thanksgiving! I hope you all have millions of things to be thankful for!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, since my name isn't CBS!**

Get Through

Chapter Eighteen

The briefing on the plane caused my insides to churn, hearing the gruesome stories of parents beaten to death, and their children killed in their beds. I think it hurt more, now that I had a child.

"Hello my lovelies! Live from Quantico you have your resident tech diva and my hack-ette in training! What's the word?" chirped Garcia from over the webcam. She and Tegan waved jerkily, the lag on the computer screen cutting their motion in and out.

"Do you have any background information on the families, baby girl?" Morgan asked, while Hotch rolled his eyes slightly at Garcia's antics.

"Nothing out of the ordinary, my love. You have your basic, happy family here. Nothing suspicious on the financials, no criminal records for anyone in the family, not even a parking ticket. And no obvious connection to the other victims." She finished, while madly typing away at the keyboard. "Their oldest son flunked a multiplication test once, but they probably weren't targeted based on that."

"Thanks Garcia. So it essentially looks like they're targeting them at random, not gonna make our jobs any easier. How's Tegan, she giving you any trouble?" I watched my daughter look over with a miffed expression on her pixelated face.

"Don't worry sugarplum, she's an angel! I always look forward to company, and she's better than most! Plus I'm keeping my promise; so far she's not on any watch lists. And we haven't dug up too much dirt on you." I groaned slightly, before noticing the grin on my daughter's face that said otherwise. I just hoped it wasn't that dreaded high school photo of me with the crazy hair and makeup straight out of a KISS concert.

"Okay, keep us updated on any new updates, preferably on the unsub and not Agent Prentiss." Hotch signed off, with a rare smile lingering in his eyes. "We land in Denver in a few hours, we should all get some rest." He said, allowing everyone to retreat to their separate corners of the plane. I took up a spot on the couch, staring out the plane window at the passing clouds and thinking about my daughter. What if her sudden improvement was only temporary? What if she ran away again as soon as I turned my back? JJ suddenly sat beside me on the couch, leaning into my side.

"Whatcha thinking about?" she asked, placing a subtle, hidden kiss to my clavicle. I would have protested had I been paying attention.

"Emily, what's bugging you?" she persisted.

"Nothing Jayje, close your eyes, get some rest, this is going to be a long case." I mumbled, covering my thoughts out of habit. She gave an annoyed grunt, yet settled into my side. We arrived in Denver, slowly gathering evidence and piecing together the puzzle. I stood in front of the evidence board, staring at the pictures.

"These are two completely different profiles, are we looking at a pair of unsubs maybe?" I speculated. I had been trying to throw myself fully into the job, struggling to distance myself from the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Good idea Prentiss." Rossi said, as Reid pored over a map, coloring it with multicolored circles and dotted lines. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, and I walked off to the side of the room.

"Hello?"

"Sweet pea, I'm afraid that I'm a little out of my depth here. She just nodded off and suddenly she was crying." I heard Garcia gush from the other end of the line.

"What did you do?" I groaned. She's a sweet woman, unique and vibrant, but she sometimes forgets her limits.

"Can you talk to your daughter?" I heard a rustling oh the other end of the line, and then a soft sobbing.

"Tegan?" I asked; worry creeping into my voice like a ghost.

"I had a nightmare." Her voice was painfully soft as she admitted this.

"It's okay, you're fine. It was just a bad dream, they can't hurt you." I reassured, suddenly feeling out of place in the busy police station.

"No, they can! It hurts when I wake up in a panic, it hurts when I'm afraid of the dark like some baby! They can still hurt me, and they're damn good at it." All I could hear in her voice was defeat, just like the same girl whom I had met in the hospital months ago. She was sliding backwards, even minutely.

"But you're stronger. You survived them and where are they now? Living out their hollow, joyless lives. You however, you can grow, you can do so much Tegan. Don't you get it, you've already won, just sometimes winning comes at a cost." There was silence on the end of the line, a subtle fidgeting before she spoke again.

"I wish you were here. I want a hug." Her voice sounded so plaintive and innocent that I was tempted to commandeer the private jet to fly me back home. Under my breath, I began to hum an old French lullaby I learned as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I sang it to my unborn daughter every time she got restless, and every time, it soothed her. I kept my voice low enough so no one else would hear, and I just listened to my daughter's even breath as the same song calmed her, just like when she was little.

"I am there with you, and I'll be home soon, I promise. I love you." I told her, hearing a sleepy mumble on the other end.

"Well my sweet, you were definitely made for her. She's out like a light again, she doesn't look like she sleeps much anymore. I'm getting a call from my chocolate god, so I'm gonna have to hang up, toodles! I sighed in relief as the line went dead. Morgan walked around the corner, reminding me that I was still at work.

"Hey Prentiss, you alright?" his dark eyes reflected worry, and for a moment, I pretended to ignore that and just study the miniature reflections of myself in his eyes.

"I wish everyone would stop asking me that." I put my hands on my hips and squared my shoulders, a silent admission that I was fine. He didn't believe me, but I sensed there was something more urgent at play here.

"Okay, well there was another murder. They're sending an ambulance this time, there's a survivor. When interrogated, she said there were two men, and the one who deals with the children, the other one kept calling him Irvin. Garcia's running that name through about every available database as we speak, but you and JJ are needed at the hospital." I counted us lucky we at least had a name, it would definitely cut down on our time here, and I needed to be home with my daughter. JJ was waiting outside near the car for me, and fixed me with a worried look.

"What was all that about?" she asked, probably in referral to my phone call.

"Nothing." Another knee-jerk reaction. I was apparently a pathological hider and avoider. We headed to the hospital where the victim was being treated. As soon as we were told by her daughter the girl, Carrie, was a teenager, I was hit with a pang of emotion for my own daughter. The doctor was talking about the effects of acute barbiturate overdose when a scream peeled through the hall. Jennifer and I took off sprinting, finding the girl in the midst of a nightmare, thrashing around violently. As soon as she came to she clamped onto JJ, burying her face in the proffered embrace and hiding from the ugly truth. I was frozen in thought, tears building in my eyes before I hid them away. Because every time I look at this young, Hispanic girl, I see my daughter, thrashing with fear, hooked up to medicines, without a family. I wondered if this is how Hotch feels every time he sees the dead body of a little boy, whether it reminds him of his son. It suddenly makes a lot more sense why he never smiles. JJ tucks Carrie's head beneath her chin, stroking her hair and murmuring while I struggled to get a grip. The all-consuming worry for my child ripped through me, a sudden and unfamiliar transformation, causing every cell in my body to both freeze up and burn out of a desire for action. And from where JJ awkwardly embraced the youth, her head sitting on top a crown of black hair, she was staring at me, her blue eyes a violent mix of pain and sympathy, and a sliver of cold accusation just for me. At the look in her eyes, it was hard to hold back the words that would have so easily slipped off my tongue, the words I'd said so many times in my life they were barely words anymore

"I'm fine."

**A/N I hope for speedier updates soon, and I apologize for any errors in here, I didn't have much time for editing tonight.**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N Hello again! Just another quick update, I'm hoping to move the story along! I won't write a long author's note, since I don't have much to say, and I'm pretty sure you didn't come here just to read A/N's!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Nineteen

It hurt, it hurt to see a child without a family, it hurt to watch her suffer through such a horrific event, it hurt to bring in Irvin Robles, and hear him recount such an awful life of abuse encountered in the foster system, it hurt to return the kids Gary took to their abusive foster home, and it hurt to see a young boy with a gun in his hands, shooting holes in the pictures of happy children because "they're all lies". And I hid all that hurt from the woman who's currently snuggled up against my hip, tracing patterns on the strip of skin between where my pants end and my shirt begins. I wanted to forget, I didn't want to deal with the pain, I just wanted to hide it. I took a quick look around, seeing Reid and Rossi asleep, Morgan zoned out listening to music, and Hotch with his nose buried in files, his back towards us. A slight bump of turbulence shook the jet's cabin, and I stared out the window at the nighttime clouds passing by us. Silently, I pulled JJ up to face me before capturing her in a hungry kiss, her eyes flying open in alarm.

"We're in the jet, with the team surrounding us, the team that doesn't know we're together!" she whispered in disbelief, trying to remain quiet. I nibbled on her neck slightly, not one to be deterred by her protests.

"This is hardly professional!" she hissed now, grabbing my face so I was forced to look at her.

"So?" I mouthed, before flipping her on her back beneath me, enjoying the surprised little noise that escaped her pursed lips. I continued attacking her mouth with mine, nipping gently at the tender flesh before I forced my tongue into her mouth. I usually wasn't this insistent, this dominant, but between the pain of the day and the slight buzz from the liquor from the jet's wet bar, I was acting on instinct. I felt my insides turn to mush as she caught my tongue and sucked on it, teasing the tip with her own as she let out the slightest, most adorable suckling noise. Her blue eyes turned black as the night, barely even visible in the dim lighting. I moved lower, kissing my way down to the hollow of her neck before moving to the delicate curve where her neck met her shoulder. She let out a little squeak as I bit down hard enough to leave a mark, before gently sucking and kissing the tender spot.

"JJ, was that you?" Hotch asked, causing the blonde to go rigid beneath me. I watched her scramble for an idea before replying.

"Uh… yeah Sir, sorry. Emily fell asleep on top of my legs, and they've kinda fallen asleep." She lied through her teeth, struggling to maintain composure as my lips ventured lower and lower, until my bottom lip was tickled by the top of her button-down shirt.

"Yeah, it looked like it was a tough case for her, what with her daughter and everything; she barely rested through the entire thing. I'm glad she can get some sleep now." he replied, before going back to his work. JJ let out a grateful sigh, before flicking my temple, halting my ministrations.

"Our boss is sitting right there!" she whispered angrily, and then she saw it. Maybe this time, when I went to kiss her, I let my walls down a bit, let her see my ulterior motive, because the chilling look she gave me caused me to shrink inwards.

"Lie down; you're supposed to be asleep. We'll talk about this at home." Her quiet voice was stony and adamant; I knew not to mess with it. Instead I lay down against her thigh, cradling her legs against my chest, and shut my eyes, pretending to sleep. Hotch announced upon landing that we had the next two days off, and that we shouldn't be seen inside the building until then. He didn't need to tell us twice though. JJ and I walked silently to Penelope's lair to pick up Tegan.

"Hello my crime-fighting lovelies! Here to pick up the mini-Em? We happened to be sitting here in a rather boring stretch of time, so my little flower and I did a little experimenting with the snippers, you like?" she spun in her chair to face me, Tegan, sporting a new shorter and slightly spiky haircut with her signature white tips that framed her face perfectly, jumped down from her sitting spot on Garcia's desk. That's how I knew Garcia liked her, no one got to sit on her desk. "Why so glum? What went on out there? And Jayje, is that a hickey?" Pen's eyes went saucer-wide, obviously expecting gossip.

"Just don't Pen." JJ turned on her heel and stalked out angrily, and I beckoned Tegan to follow me, leaving a puzzled Penelope in her lair alone. We sat in the car in the same shared silence we had existed in for hours.

"Are you two alright?" my daughter asked from her position in the backseat.

"I'm fine, how about you Emily? Because you're always so fine." JJ coldly retorted, staring an icy glare at me.

"Jennifer, please-" I started to speak before being cut off.

"Not now." she shut me down, staring straight ahead and moving her hand away from mine. As soon as we got to my apartment Tegan darted off into one of the back rooms, trying to avoid the tense energy between the blonde and me.

"Jen what's wrong?" I asked, watching her pace the floor restlessly.

"Oh, are you ready to talk to me now Emily?" her voice was sarcastic and full of frustration.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I shot back, feeling cornered and defensive.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you've barely talked to me this entire case? Or the fact that you jumped me right behind our boss? I mean for god's sake Emily, just fucking talk to me! I already made it clear I'm not running, so now you have to stop! Stop running, Stop hiding, just trust me damnit!" she was crying now, angry, frustrated tears spilling over her cheeks. "I mean you come in here, and you take on your own crap, your daughter's crap, even mine, but you can't do it all!"

"I'm fine." I reply curtly, those two words were becoming my autopilot response.

"You've said that so many times it doesn't even sound like a word! You're not fine! You're not fine; your daughter's not fine. You two are a freaking mess! I mean you're constantly worried about her running away, taking drugs, getting drunk, it's not fair! She shouldn't be your problem! Where did you ever sign up for taking care of a delinquent, twenty-two year old addict in need of an attitude adjustment!" those words made me angry. If she was going to be mad at me for being bullheaded, so be it, but her anger at Tegan was totally misdirected.

"That's not fair at all." I spoke up, standing up to face the maniacal blonde. Her eyes were bloodshot and red from crying, her voice hoarse from screaming. She was desperate though, she just needed to unload, and somewhere deep down I understood that. It was the one thing I was denied as a child, a chance to feel my emotions.

"Maybe if you weren't such a little slut and got yourself knocked up at age fifteen you wouldn't be in this mess!" she yelled angrily. I can tell that as soon as the says them she wants to take it back, the remorse flashing in her eyes before I can even look up. I however, have fallen silent, her hurtful words striking me to the core. This is why I didn't trust her, I told myself, because she took my greatest insecurity and shoved it in my face.

"Oh… Oh God Emily I didn't mean it! I'm so sorry!" she cried, torrential floods of tears glistening in her eyes. I remained stock-stiff, refusing to move, to breathe, to blink, still reeling in the aftermath of her admission. She stepped closer to me and I moved back, dropping my eyes from her face. I couldn't even bear to look at her now. Sobs were wracking my body, causing it to shake and tremble like a tree in a windstorm.

"I can't-I just can't" I blubbered, still unable to meet her gaze.

"I'm such an idiot! Why am I so stupid? Please Emily look at me!" she begged, literally falling to her knees in front of me. It was a pitiful sight. I tentatively, gently reached out to stroke her cheek, cupping its warmth in my hand before withdrawing.

"This is why I can't trust you. Because when you say things like that, I can't even bear to look at you it hurts so much." With my hand on her arm, I dragged her over to the door of my apartment, standing her on the other side before slamming the door.

"Just get out JJ." I whispered, the words barely breaching my lips. I wasn't sure she got the double meaning, because I let her into my head, and she hurt me. I wanted her out of my head, but sitting here, with her leaning against the other side of the door crying broken-hearted sobs, I felt a great absence. No matter how much she hurt me, I needed her. I let her into my head, and I couldn't just rip her out without tearing a chunk of myself away. I loved her so much that we weren't just two people now, we were one. Try to remove the one, and you're bound to take away pieces of the other. I heard a soft scream from the other side of the door, her wailing escalating the longer she sat there, wallowing in what she had done, and the pieces that were missing from her that I had taken as well. Slowly, warily, I opened the door, seeing her standing there, with a scared look in her eyes. And then it hit me, she was afraid I would break her heart. I opened my arms, hugging her so painfully close to me that there wasn't an inch of space between us. Her tears had soaked through my shirt in seconds, the skin beneath dampening beneath the fountain of her sorrows. JJ was holding me so tightly that I knew I would have nail marks in my shoulder blades the following day. Not that I minded, the pleasure of having her here with me was balanced with the pain.

"We're not okay, we're not suddenly all better, because what you said to me… it hurt me, and I'm scared, and I have to try to learn to trust you all over again because of it, and if you truly love me then you'll need to be patient. But I don't want you to leave." My voice was surprisingly steady as I spoke in her ear, and I felt her shudder of relief shake me as well.

"I am so, incredibly, deeply, very sorry Em." She whimpered, clinging to me like I may disappear.

"I know Jen, I'm sorry too, for running and hiding." I pressed a soft kiss to the shell of her ear before resting my chin on her shoulder, content not to move for a while and just be. A crash of glass in the bathroom startled me, and suddenly I put two and two together.

"Tegan!" I yelled in alarm, running down the hall to where the smash came from. I slammed my palms against the locked door, begging to be heard on the other side.

"Open this door! Answer me, tell me you're okay!" I was begging, banging on the door some more before I was nudged out of the way by JJ. She slammed her foot against the door in a kick that Morgan would be proud of, making it crack and hang off its hinges as it half-opened. Jennifer's hands were on my shoulders as soon as I opened it fully. What I saw made me want to run, and hide, and pour bleach in my ear with the hope it may burn the image out of my memory, make me forget it happened. My daughter's face was unnaturally pale, lying awkwardly against the tile floor with a small cut on her forehead, from the looks of it, where she hit the countertop edge and sent the ceramic toothbrush holder crashing to the ground. But the blood smear against her forehead and the marble held no comparison to the red that stained my daughter's hand, that pooled where the abandoned razorblade had fallen, that streamed from her exposed arm. There were some still-healing scars she must have done in secret, but the injury that was bleeding now was partially hidden, just a mess of self-inflicted cuts on the alabaster skin of her forearm. An anguished sob tore free from my throat, and I clutched at my chest as JJ ran over to check her pulse. I fumbled for my cell phone, trying to think clearly around the tears backed up in my skull, the tears that were blindly making a break for it, spilling from my eyelids.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"I'm at 1867 Belvedere Road, apartment 4B, I-I need an ambulance, there's so much blood." I gasped, wanting to turn away as I see JJ on her knees in the pool of blood, rolling my child on her back and pumping on her chest.

"What's going on Ma'am? Hello? Ma'am?" the operator's voice sounds tinny and faint as the phone falls from my hand in shock. In rolling her over, JJ inadvertently exposed the source of the bleeding, a five-letter word from which my daughter's life was spilling from. I grabbed a towel and covered the wound, trying to stop the bleeding but also trying to un-see what I just saw; trying to deny the word had even existed. The stone-heavy guilt settled in my stomach as blood just soaked through the towel, staining my white-knuckled hands. I closed my eyes but all I could see was her arm, burned into the back of my eyelids, the word staring me in the face like an accusation.

S-O-R-R-Y

**A/N I don't have much to say except please R&R (read and review, not rest and relaxation!)**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N I'm back! I figured I couldn't leave you guys hanging too long, and all the wonderful reviews definitely motivated me!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, I asked Santa for it for Christmas, but just like that pony I requested at age six, it hasn't come yet! **

Get Through

Chapter Twenty

Somehow JJ and I were both allowed in the ambulance; though I'm pretty sure the flashing of our FBI badges had something to do about it. We were painfully silent the entire way, the noise quotient being filled easily by the yelling of the EMTs. My daughter was deathly pale, strapped down to the metal gurney like an invalid. As soon as we reached the hospital she was snatched away from us, wheeled off with the cloud of doctors following behind. We were left in the cold atmosphere of the waiting room, JJ sinking into a chair with her head in her hands.

"Hello, which one of you is Tegan's mother?" a doctor wearing bloodied scrubs asked. I saw JJ look up, as if she was about to respond, when I spoke up.

"I am." The busy-looking man passed a bloodied piece of paper to me.

"We found this in her jeans." He passed it to me before rushing off again. Pacing the scuffed floor, I slowly unfolded it, trying to ignore the browning spots of blood speckling the white paper.

_Dear Emily,_

_ I'm sorry I was such a burden to you, I truly didn't mean it. I was so glad to have a family that I didn't realize how others may have felt about it. I felt that all this time, all those families, it was their problem, but I guess I was the problem there, not them. I'd thank you for the chance to live again, but I don't know what I'd do with my life without you, so I figure not living at all is better than the alternative. I'll miss you, along with the others, JJ, and Garcia especially. I forgive JJ for the things she said; it was refreshing to hear the truth. I __love__ loved you._

_-Tegan_

JJ… I felt my insides twist with anger as I looked up at the blonde, currently hiding her face in her hands. She looked up at me with a heartbroken face, tears forming puddles in her eyes.

"She heard you. She did all this because of what you said!" I yelled, watching the revelation wash over her face like a wave over a sandcastle, making it crumble and disintegrate into a sad lump.

"I didn't know she'd overhear, and that she'd go this far." She whispered, her voice repentant and mournful.

"You didn't- you didn't fucking know! You knew she had issues, you knew she was on the edge, damnit JJ why did you do that!" I screamed, the ugly rage growing inside of me, threatening to eat me alive.

"Emily, I'm so sor-"

"Don't say you're sorry. This isn't some stupid argument over who holds the TV remote, or who drank the last of the coffee, this is my daughter's life! You made her think she was such a burden to me that her only way out was to slit her wrists!" I was hysterical now. My walls had long gone, washed away by the tidal wave of anger, my instinct to protect my child going into overdrive. The broken, sobbing blonde in front of me was no longer the woman I loved, but the woman who killed my child. And in this instant, she was no better than an unsub.

"I didn't mean to!" she was begging for the second time that night.

"You killed her! If she dies, if she doesn't make it through this, then that is on you!" she cringed away from my verbal assault, each barbed word striking her to the core and I knew it.

"Emily please!" she stepped towards me as if she was going in to embrace me, which is when the anger took over my body. It wasn't me who shrunk away from her advances. It wasn't me who swatted out blindly and struck her across the cheek. It wasn't me who made the resounding smack-noise echo through the empty room. It wasn't my hand that tingled and stung. It was the bitter, poisonous rage that had been brewing ever since I saw Tegan lying on the floor. I was staring at my own hands, as if they had been taken over by the devil himself. That wasn't me who did that. JJ was cupping her wounded cheek, staring at me in the same shock that flooded my mind, numbing everything except my wounded soul. Her blue eyes were wide, and it was the slight flicker of fear within them that unlocked the floodgates of self-anger and disgust. I couldn't make my mouth move, couldn't form words if it was to save my life. My hand still tingled numbly, but it didn't hurt, it didn't hurt when it should hurt. I turned away from Jennifer, leaning into the wall with my one hand. I couldn't bear to see her look at me with that shocked fearful expression any more. I sent a strong punch into the plaster of the wall, trying to rid myself of all traces of this dangerous rage. Delirious tears were clouding my vision, and I let my head slam up against the wall as I continued to pound, trying to make myself feel something. Something other than the disgust and anger burning so bright in my soul it should blister. An unfamiliar voice swam in my ears,

"Do you want me to give her a shot of haloperidol to sedate her?" a nurse who must have heard all the racket asked.

"No, she doesn't like needles, just give me a minute." JJ waved the young man off. I felt her strong arms grasp me from behind, pinning my useless arms against my sides. She shouldn't be touching me, I slapped her, she shouldn't want to be anywhere near me. I tried to escape her grip, but she only held me tighter, pressing her entire body weight against mine. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally from my maniac outburst, plus I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her again, even accidentally, so I went limp. I would have fallen to the floor if she wasn't holding me up, her strong arms lowering me gracefully. I just tried to hide my shame as she rocked me like a child.

"I'm sorry Emily. I'm sorry about what happened to Tegan." She admitted, to which I wheeled around in shock.

"Sorry? You shouldn't be sorry, I'm the one who- I- JJ I didn't mean it, I would never hurt you." I hiccupped through my tears.

"I know Em. If there's one thing I've learned tonight, it's that we sometimes do things to hurt others when we feel hurt. It's not that we mean it, we just feel, trapped." I stared into her endless blue eyes, before reaching out and placing my fingertips over the red patch over her cheek. My fingers had barely grazed her, and it mustn't have hurt, but just staring at it… I had never felt so evil in my life, and I hated every second of it.

"Trust me; you're way worse off than I am." She gestured to the injured hand she was holding, where blood was seeping up within the gouges on my knuckles. Her small hands gently covered the wounds, and for a second I forgot they were even there. As if her hands were magic, they could heal with one touch. All I could do apparently was hurt others.

"Why, why do you stay with me? I run and hide and lash out and bawl my eyes out like a deranged lunatic. Why the hell do you even want to be near me?" I didn't want her here with me, comforting me, telling her it was ok. I wanted her to go along with the shame in my heart and tell me what an awful person I was. I didn't feel I deserved any more than that.

"Because of this. You, shameful and remorseful, sitting on the floor of a hospital in the middle of the night, with tearstains on your cheeks and blood on your knuckles, This is you. This is the Emily Prentiss that you hide behind all your walls. This is you in the wake of a terrible, horrific chain of events. This is the part of you that's all mine, the part of you that only I am entrusted to see. And I love this part of you because it makes all those other times, the times when you smile to cover the pain, the times when you hold back your tears and do your job, it makes me realize how amazing a person you are. You've spent your life being strong for other people, holding back all your feelings, it makes me appreciate how strong and selfless you are. And the fact that you trust me enough to let me see you with all your walls down, to see what's beneath all the smoke and mirrors, it's like getting to hold the greatest treasures of the world in the palm of my hand." Her eyes were shining now, with tears of joy and passion instead of those of sadness.

"Catharsis." I mumbled.

"What?"

"The purging of emotions, it's Greek." I explained, remembering an errant memory from some English class I once took. JJ just gave me an astonished grin before giggling.

"You're such a nerd." She leaned against my temple.

"And you're amazing." I replied, rubbing my sore hand and leaning into her in return. The doctor-with more blood on his scrubs this time around- returned, giving us a confused glance before speaking. I suppose we looked odd, two women sitting on the floor with tears still in their eyes, smiling and giggling like idiots.

"Tegan's out of surgery, our vascular surgeon managed to fully repair the injured vessels. She'll be sedated tonight, and we're ordering a psych consult for her tomorrow. Visiting hours ended three hours ago, so you can come back tomorrow to see her. Goodnight." I opened my mouth to argue, but JJ just lightly tugged on my arm.

"Leave her to rest, we'll see her tomorrow." She reassured, before helping me get up. We walked to the payphone outside, standing together in the chilly fall air while JJ called a cab. I looked up at the stars in the sky, disappointed to see a thick blanket of clouds covering them instead. I closed my eyes in exhaustion, stunned to feel a soft, cold something land on my nose. Then one on my forehead and one on my cheek. When I opened my eyes I saw it, snow drifting from the heavens, like fluffy falling stars. I let them freeze to the tear tracks on my cheeks, let them pepper my face with numb little kisses, washing me clean. I spun around, feeling them on my bare arms, but I didn't care. Each one was like a little prayer, whispering its way down from the sky, speaking in a language I could not reply in, but could understand clear as crystal.

"What are you doing?" JJ queried as she finally looked away from the phone. I hummed softly as I felt her warm body come into contact with mine, hugging me while watching the ethereal flakes fall.

"Being forgiven." The snowflakes melted, making trails of their own and washing away the tearstains with their purity. They sang in the cold breeze, making me want to talk back.

_I understand. _

The sky may shatter into little pieces and fall around me, but it doesn't have to be the end, just the beginning of something new.

**A/N this turned out a lot fluffier than I expected, but everyone needs a little light at the end of the tunnel! No, Emily isn't suddenly abusive, she was cornered and angry and scared and she lashed out, I get that. That being said, I am in no way, shape or form advocating or saying that violence in relationships is okay, because it is not, no questions asked. On that note, I leave you all with this new chapter to read and hopefully review to!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N I'm sorry for the delay, but it's not for lack of trying. This chapter's seems to have stumped me, and my rascally, scatterbrained muse keeps feeding me all the wrong ideas, and as a result, I've been trying to write this chapter for almost four days now until I decided to scrap it entirely and start anew. On another note, I'm thrilled that this story's now my first fanfic to ever reach 100 reviews! Now I have 100+ reminders of how awesome my readers are! Thank you all for your continued support and occasional reminders for me to get my butt in gear and write!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, and I probably never will. :(**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-One

_The frigid black mud sloshed around my ankles, stinging the stony skin hidden deep within my leaden boots. The gunmetal gray clouds meshed with the sodden landscape, until the only way to tell the sky from the ground were the hordes of insect-like forms scuttling about, blackened, hunched over, wearing bulky, impenetrable clothing and once-shiny helmets. A wave of heat fanned my sweaty, sticky hair as the fiery wings of an explosion materialized on the horizon, the sounds of hoarse screaming grating at my ears so violently I worried they'd bleed. The taut, dirt-smeared, ashen faces of men filed around me as they tried to shrink within their camouflage shells. The thunderous smacking of boots against the mud of the trenches was all that filled my mind until the crack of gunfire tore my surroundings in half, shredding with a deafening screech as I watched the faceless soldier beside me slump into the black mire before disappearing completely into the dirt. I hadn't even the time to realize the fallen form was human before it was overcome by rain and chaos. Bodies rushed around me so quickly, blending into one, until I no longer knew who the enemy was, or where I stood. Little bursts of artillery sounded around me like popcorn, sending those around me tumbling to the earth until the ground just swallowed them up, leaving me alone, knee-deep in sucking mud, trapped. I looked around me, scanning the flat surroundings, looking for the threat, listening for the soul-shredding song of guns, yet all I could hear is the harsh rain smacking the all-consuming mud. There was no one but me, me? Am I my own enemy? Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this? The loneliness burned a hole in my wind-beaten heart, and I could see that the watery mud around my legs which was once black, was now an ominous blood-red, reflecting back a twisted image of myself, gnarled by evils and the ripples of the rain. But all I could do is scan the landscape with forlorn eyes, and realize that once again, I was all alone. Alone. Alone._

Alone. I woke up with my delicate sheets twisted into a straitjacket around my ankles, still shivering from the cold of those unfamiliar battlefields when I realized that the other side of the bed was unoccupied. I really was alone. Suppressing a groan of frustration, I shoved my eyes closed and threw my head into JJ's pillow, letting the subtle lavender scent of her conditioner soothe me until I registered the feeling of paper crumpling beneath my face. Sitting up confused, I found a note stuck to my forehead, and upon peeling it off and wiping the sleep from my eyes I tried to focus on the fluid characters that sashayed across the page.

_Em,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up, but I had to visit the hospital. There's a message on the answering machine, you'll get her room number from there. _

_Jennifer_

Of course, Tegan. As I quickly dressed I ruminated upon the current situation. I couldn't help feeling a slight stab of misdirected anger at JJ for being the first one to see her after the… incident. But the small stinging of that anger was nothing compared to the cavernous guilt I felt towards how I treated JJ the other night, and the fact that she stayed. I banished the poisonous thoughts to the back of my mind as I hopped in the car, completely forgoing breakfast. St. Jude's seemed to have transformed since the last times I was here. The bitter wind of the impending winter had somehow hidden all traces of the snow, leaving the hospital with the dull yet polished appearance of a river rock, lifeless. It was as if the entire building was devoid of energy, a carefully constructed façade that took people in, fixed them up, but could do nothing to heal their real wounds. Within the psych ward especially, everything felt like an act. The cheery bouquet of flowers on the head nurse's desk, or the soft, plush chairs and tattered magazines in the waiting room only served as a front, hiding the true horrors behind layers of niceties and white tiles. In all other parts of the hospital, people were healing, simple physical ills that could be cured. But here, beneath all the polish, was the resting place of the tortured souls that came before, those who had just given up, and let their mental demons eat them alive. I stared at a speck of dirt that stood out from the clean tile, refusing to conform. I wondered why they picked white; did they think it looked clean? Did they think it was a happy color, or that it was soothing? Because white was none of that, white was empty, endless, hollow, devoid of any real emotion or warmth. White made every other color seem dirty and raucous and out of place, just like the way I felt looking into Tegan's room. It was different than the other one, in which it was bare, stripped of any excessive furniture or decoration or comfort. Through the crisscross of safety wire in the glass windows, preventing it from breaking, lay the single piece of furniture in the blank room. The bed was bulky plastic, with metal rails on the sides like it was its own little empire. Tegan lay straighter than a tree beneath the blankets, asleep, yet her skinny arms were ramrod straight and tense, every wiry muscle visible as she strained against the pair of padded restraints that held her wrists to the edges of the bed. JJ looked as if she had once been standing, as she now lay curled up against the tile floor, her one hand gripping the edge of the bed with white knuckles. Despite the fact that her eyes had long since drooped shut from exhaustion and worry, I wasn't sure if she was asleep or not because there were tears still running down her cheeks, dragging trails of day-old mascara alongside them. My fragile heart nearly broke at the sight, seeing the two most important women in my life so broken. I had hardly touched my hand to the doorknob before JJ's eyes snapped open, her head whipping upright. She looked at me with a trembling gaze, her eyes too weak to hold the stare along with all the sadness within their radiant blue depths.

"I-I came in this morning to see her, to explain. When I got here, she freaked out, she just kept screaming and cussing and nearly broke her arms she was pulling at her restraints so hard. Even when I left she kept going, you could hear her voice echoing down the hallway. They had to sedate her." She explained in a quiet voice, almost as if she was frightened at how I would respond. I moved as if I was surrounded by water, invisible currents tugging at my limbs while clouding my vision. I managed to slip my hand inside that of my daughter's, closing my eyes so I wouldn't see the bruises or the scars or the restraints. I welcomed the illusion of darkness for a few futile seconds, because it sweetly postponed the agony of what was really going on.

"I came back because I didn't want her to be alone. I know she's probably fuming mad at me, you probably are too, and you two have a right to be, but it's scary here, and I figured that it would be less scary to have someone by her side." The soft tone of her voice dissolved any anger I held towards her, it was just impossible to hold any animosity when she was so vulnerable. I knelt down in front of her, only opening my eyes when I knew I would only see JJ. As soon as I looked at her she turned away from me, hiding the hurt written all over her face while shattering my heart a little more.

"Jennifer?" I placed my hand on her shoulder while moving to kneel in between her legs.

"Look at me Sweetie." I crooned, rubbing the delicate muscles and tendons that flexed where her neck met her shoulder. She still remained silent, tears flowing like a spring.

"I'm not mad at you, I promise." At the sound of those words, something unlocked within her, and she slowly turned to look at me.

"You're not?" surprise lit up her eyes, and I wanted to hide away for ever making her feel that way. She shouldn't be surprised that I'm not upset.

"I'm not. I'm mad at myself. I'm disgusted and angry, and if I could, I'd be giving myself the cold shoulder. Because no matter how bad it gets, no matter what happens, I had no right to treat you the way I did last night. I can hardly look myself in the mirror; I don't recognize who I've become. But the only place that I can see my reflection and not flinch away, where I don't feel like the lowest bag of crap on the planet, is when I look into your eyes. I couldn't be mad at you because you're like the air I need to breathe; you're like the sunlight I need to see. I need you in my life Jennifer, because without you I have no idea how I'm supposed to move upwards from all this. I love you, I love you, and the last thing I ever want to be is angry at you." her cerulean blues, heavy with emotion, bored into mine for a second before she seemed to deflate. I took her in my arms in an instant, letting her cling to me as I clung to her, both of us needing the support, neither knowing who was supporting whom. She pulled away to look me in the eyes, giving me the chance to take a tissue out of a box laying abandoned in the sea of white, and gently wipe the blackened trails from the delicate, warm skin of her cheek. She looked away, full of self-consciousness.

"I must look like a wreck. I feel like a wreck, I feel like I haven't stopped crying for days." She choked out, the sentence fractured by a childlike little sniffle.

"You look beautiful, I'm endlessly lucky to have you." I was about to kiss her forehead until she moved, angling so I met her ready lips beneath mine. We pulled away, limbs still intertwined, foreheads gently touching.

"C'mon Jen, let's go home." I whispered, my voice filled with a fresh conviction. Tegan laid silently, resting in her drugged sleep, and I took in how JJ looked at her. The way she gently adjusted the restraints on her wrists so they weren't too tight, the way she brushed away the messy strand of hair that had been resting in front of her face, the way she whispered goodbye. And within this clean room, this sea of white, these blank pages of walls, I could see the first sketches of my own family starting to form. My family, not one that would desert me for political agendas, but one that I knew I could not live without. I was no longer chilled by the icy winds and frozen mud and unforgiving rain in life, because dysfunctional as they were; I was no longer alone.

**A/N yes I'm back! For all the time and brain-wracking it took to get this chapter out, I'm pretty satisfied with it! Now tell me what you think of it! Read and review, please show me some love (or love in the form of constructive criticism)!**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N ok, I've had a whole bunch of ideas for this fic, so many that it's hard to write! So this chap's a bit of a filler, but I hope it's good filler. Plus I'm feeling the need for some Em/JJ time!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Two

Much like a lot of our relationship these days, the drive home was quiet. The sound of freezing rain smacking the windshield filled the cabin of the car, the frigid tears causing the lights of the cars and buildings ahead of us to bleed into each other and collect into some sort of glistening mix, before being sloughed off by the wipers. We arrived home, and my head felt so heavy I could barely think. It was as if the freezing rain made all the problems in my life bleed into the same stinging melange, without windshield wipers to throw it off to the side and make my vision clear. Both of us were standing in the entry to my apartment, dripping wet and shivering to the bone.

"Hey Jayje, you wanna go get into our pajamas? I'm thinking of having a movie night." She didn't bother with giving me a weird look, simply heading off to our room while I dialled the pizza place. After a ten second cursory glance at the movies I had sitting out beside the TV, I decided there was nothing there that would help me get my mind off… well, everything. I went on a search for my little secret pleasure, the only thing that could soothe my mind after some of our toughest cases. Palming the DVD I headed to get changed, completely giving up on my usual 'professional, in-control' façade and pulling on the fuzziest, warmest pair of pajamas I owned, which happened to be a ratty grey flecked cotton tee and a pair of fleece pants with raccoons printed across them. The doorbell sounded, announcing the arrival of the pizza. I felt particularly charitable towards the teen standing there, and gave him a generous tip before popping in the movie and lying on the couch. JJ came out of the bathroom similarly dressed, wearing a baby-blue and white pair of pajamas with cartoon-skiing penguins tracing swirls down her legs. We both gave the other a cheeky look, taking in the odd and slightly embarrassing appearances.

"Christmas present?" she asked, grabbing a bag of chips and coming to lie on the couch in my arms, her back pressed against my front and my arms wrapped around her waist.

"Yeah, yours?" I asked, snuggling down alongside her as the opening credits for the film began playing. She nodded affirmatively. Since when did people think that the most appropriate Christmas gift for adult women was oddly patterned fleece pajamas?

"The Lion King?" Jen gave me a curious-and slightly teasing-smile as she took notice of my movie choice.

"What? You're seriously telling me you don't have a guilty pleasure? With this job it's kind of a requirement to keep you sane." I struggled to eat pizza while not wanting to let go of the blonde in my arms. She gave me a knowing smile, letting me know I was right.

"You know mine, what's yours?" she blushed red adorably, like a sixth-grader when playing truth or dare at a sleepover, before talking.

"Shutting all the windows, blaring whatever pop song is on the radio, and dancing until I can no longer stand." Her smile, which was supposed to look embarrassed, was too laminated, and lacking its genuine glow. I gave her a faux-stern look letting her know I wasn't sure she was telling the whole truth. Her statement seemed a little too rushed, and frankly I found her endearing when she was squirming.

"… in my underwear." I chuckled under my breath as a mental image popped into my head. JJ with her blonde hair flying, dancing to some overplayed song like she was a superstar, wearing a tee and underwear.

"Now that… is completely sexy, I'm going to have to change mine now!" I smiled against the corner of her neck, kissing and nibbling the perfect silky skin found there. I wasn't lying, JJ doing anything wearing only underwear was unbearably sexy. She had long, tanned legs, so perfect they should be illegal.

"Fine, what's your new one?" she played along, supressing addicting giggles as my lips lightly tickled the sensitive points on her neck.

"You." I replied easily, diving in for a deep kiss upon her slightly parted lips. She responded almost instantly, engaging my tongue in a delicious duel while her dexterous hands discovered the silky skin beneath the waist of my shirt. She turned her head as I began sucking on her pulse point, causing her to gasp and sigh in pleasure before freezing, her hands pushing my mouth away.

"What?" I was worried suddenly, wondering what I'd done wrong. She couldn't just randomly decide now she no longer wanted me, could she?

"Shh! The movie's starting!" she hissed as the large TV across from us displayed a scene of African savannah animals staring up at the rising sun, with the opening theme music playing in the background. Unable to suppress the smile on my face at how intense she was about the film, I settled down to watch. JJ sang along to the songs in her cheery, warbling voice, clear and bubbly as spring water, while encouraging me to join in for songs like 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight?' and 'The Morning Report' among others. Eventually she dozed off in my arms, looking more content than I had ever seen her. I lay back a bit more as well, tucking my chin into the crook of her neck and feeling the dewy heat of her cheek beneath mine. Just as Simba triumphed over Scar, minutes from the ending, I let my eyes slide shut, enjoying the security of our little bubble of warmth.

I woke up with a start, with the tinny theme music of the movie playing over and over as the main menu screen refreshed continuously, waiting for someone to give it a command or shut it off. My arms were empty, void of Jennifer, and the minor panic attack brought on by her disappearance meant it took a while to notice the unfamiliar shadow arcing across the floor. I noticed a silhouette standing on my large balcony. JJ wasn't wearing a coat, leaving her prone to the newly-forming snow drifting down from outside. I got up, ignoring the shudder that ran through my bones as a gust of bitter air snuck through a crack in the door. Fetching my long down coat, I headed over to where the blonde stood. Her form was highlighted by the silvery threads of moonlight, stitching her into the snowy wonderland like the serene picture on a Christmas card.

"Hey, it's cold out here." I whispered, so as not to startle her, wrapping the coat over her shoulder so it contained both of us within its fluffy warmth.

"Look at the lights." She replied, her comment not really fitting the conversation, and her eyes glazed over like the ice on a skating pond, two indicators that she was lost in thought. I looked over to where she was looking, to the houses across the street. One was already decorated in its regal, festive Christmas robes of rainbow lights, and beneath a frost-painted window, glowing warmly from within, hung a burgeoning, glowing wreath of boughs of faux-pine.

"They're pretty." I commented, still confused as to why she was standing there.

"It's almost Christmas time. Christmas is coming and Tegan's in the hospital. I made it happen, and I can't fix it. She shouldn't spend her first Christmas with her mom in the hospital." She looked away from me, unable to move too far because of the warm coat holding us together.

"Her moms, not mom. If you're okay with it, it would be okay for you to consider yourself her mom." I worried that I'd scare her away with the commitment, but that fleeting worry vanished as soon as I saw the unbridled guilt and hope in her eyes.

"Really?" she smiled wider than a kid in a candy store, and I wreathed my arm around her waist, pulling her closer, answering with my actions. She laid her head on my shoulder and I looked out again over the snowy scene. It was difficult to see past the white fluffy flakes gathering on my eyelashes, as the silent visitors ghosted to earth, dancing like fairies upon the air currents and around buildings.

"She'll be okay." JJ reassured, sighing almost as if she was admitting defeat. With the ethereal sprite of her presence by my side, and wreathed in our portable little force-field-jacket, I felt slightly invincible. Invincible enough that when I felt JJ snuggle into my neck, ruffling the ebony hair that hung like a curtain, I could just accept the content atmosphere as the truth. The weak glow of the festive light painted JJ's face in a muted array of colors, only discernible to the most attentive eye. I pressed a sweet kiss to her crown of golden hair, watching the snowflakes where my lips were seconds ago melt beneath the heat before being replaced by more. The world around us slowly turned white, as pure as the seed of happiness glowing in my heart. Despite all the maelstrom and reality nipping at our heels, tonight we had an escape, we had a little sanctuary, we had each other.

**A/N I know, The Lion King just happens to be my favorite Disney movie ever! Review please, I adore hearing from you! It only takes a few seconds to cheer up a tired, slightly sad author!**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N grr! My English teacher's slowly killing me with her proliferation of projects! I've hardly had a quiet moment to think, let alone write! But I'm finally back, and man am I glad to be, I've had ideas for this fic coming outta my ears! In this chapter I'm kind of treading the line between T and M, but I'm pretty sure it's all good. Lastly, I want to send a quick shout-out to YoursTrulyxxBlondiexx, for helping me sort through the mental mess of ideas, and essentially form this chapter!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but I do own any OC's like Tegan!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Three

The next day was cold and radiant like an opal, the snow which had fallen the night before having blanketed the street in a white sheet. JJ and I ended up so exhausted yet content that we essentially fell into bed alongside the other, completely forgoing our usual reticence about sleeping together anywhere besides the couch. The shiny morning was so joyful that all I wanted to do was get up and take part in it, but a stronger force was holding me to this bed. Somehow, while asleep, JJ had managed to snuggle into me so that her legs were tangled in mine, her arms wreathed tightly around my waist, and her head tucked under my chin, so that she was gently snoring against my breast. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable with the position, since this was the most intimate we had been thus far, yet I still felt strangely content. The blonde's presence in my arms fulfilled some sort of emptiness in my heart, and I beamed with the newfound sense of being whole. I placed a soft kiss to the crown of her head, chuckling when the response I received was a soft snore and a delicate whimper at the movement.

"C'mon sunshine, time to wake up." I coaxed softly, kissing her on the forehead this time. She only snuggled deeper into my chest, her clumsy lips mumbling against the skin of my chest.

"Don'wanna. Too early." She whined. "Theres'no case, we don't hafta go work. Go back to sleep." She began mumbling incoherently, her lips moving against my skin so that I could feel every word she formed. Slowly, she stopped talking and began dropping sleepy kisses, peppering my chest and the base of my neck before planting one upon my lips.

"Hmm… for someone who claims to be asleep, your mind is very active." I managed to groan out in between kisses. She didn't reply, instead letting out a feral growl as her tongue parted my lips, and her delicate hands cradled my waist. I allowed her to continue her ministrations until I heard her grunting in displeasure and the warmth of her hands disappeared from my waist. I opened my half-shut eyes to see her shaking her one hand, with a disappointed look on her face.

"My hand's asleep!" She explained plaintively, an adorable pout lingering upon her lips as she realized her plans of jumping me were foiled.

"Your hand doesn't know what it's missing." I husked, leaning over and kissing her deeply, as if each gentle nip or dueling tongue would wipe away any traces of her pouting. She let out a wanton moan, which I took as my cue to stop.

"Aww no fair! You can't tease me like that, I'm crippled!" she wailed, the pout reappearing as she waved her numb hand in the air helplessly. She looked so mad at the offending appendage that I couldn't contain my laughter, and I doubled over in sidesplitting heaves.

"Don't laugh at the wounded!" she huffed dramatically, before crossing her arms over her chest in a childish display of irritation.

"My poor baby! I'll kiss it better?" I offered, with a teasing smirk still on my face. I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand, like in a fairy tale. Said earlier smirk is probably what earned me a pillow in the face, as the blonde grabbed the nearest one off my bed and whacked me with it.

"Hey, what do you know, it did fix it!" she exclaimed teasingly while waving the pillow about. I was momentarily stunned by the soft, white projectile, staring at her in a look of confusion and fake hurt before doing the same to her with another pillow. JJ squealed as she dove to avoid my attack, accidentally overshooting and sliding on her ass off the edge of my bed, landing on the floor with a thud.

"Jayje honey, are you okay?" I asked carefully, all my earlier playfulness replaced by worry for if she was hurt. A heartbeat of silence passed, and as soon as I peered over the edge of the bed-WHACK- a surprise attack from below.

"Oh, you're going to get it now…" I trailed off ominously, watching the blonde's expression change to one of slight intimidation before she dropped her pillow and began to run.

"Can't catch me!" she crowed cheerily, the words only just leaving her lips before I grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her over my shoulder in a fireman's carry, hauling a thrashing and laughing Jennifer back to my room, and tossing her back on the fluffy yet completely messed up bed. I straddled her victoriously, surrounded by walls of blankets and pillows.

"What now Emily? Are you going to have your way with me?" she replied flirtily, with a mischievous glint in her eyes. At the suggestive tone in her voice I raked my eyes up her prone form, her lips parted as she gasped for air, her hair lying in a messy golden halo around her head, her chest heaving for breath, causing her breasts to bounce slightly in a way that made my blood rush southward and my center hum, and the toned, smooth muscles of her abdomen, taut, defined, and easily palpable beneath the sensitive flesh of my thighs. I was so close to giving into that apple of temptation, dangling just within reach when I realized it. This woman, this marvel, this goddess, needed to be treated properly. We should be going out for dates, flirting over coffee, sharing our visions of the future, not rushing into sex. With that defeating thought, I rolled off of JJ, landing right beside her on the unmade bed.

"No, not yet." I gave her a solemn smile, hoping she'd understand, before kissing her softly to reassure it wasn't her fault. We lay in silence for a few minutes more, catching our breaths as both our minds whirred at top speed.

"I'm thinking of visiting Tegan today, maybe she'll be awake." I added randomly, watching her nod her head in agreement, before jumping up off the bed.

"I'll come too-If you'd like." She added nervously, as if she was overstepping by wanting to come along. I slowly got up out of bed, lacing my fingers between hers.

"I'd love you to." I reassured, before retreating to the bathroom to get changed and freshen up. Over breakfast we planned our next girls' night, feeling a little like we'd abandoned Pen through this whole relationship deal.

"Do you want to tell them? The team I mean, do you have any plans?" JJ piped up curiously. On one hand I wanted to tell the team, I wanted to tell the world about my feelings for her they were so enormous, but I did worry about whether they'd accept us or not. I know it probably seemed silly, but I was scared of rejection, not because it was likely, but because I knew it would hurt so much.

"Maybe." I shrugged nonchalantly, hoping she'd give it up. I knew by the look in her eyes that we would talk about this later, but for now, she rested. Fed, clothed, and ready to face the day, we slid into my car side by side, one of my hands on the wheel and the other on JJ's. We made the long, painful walk to the psych ward, and as soon as we entered I noticed something was different. Someone was laughing. Not the crazy, hysterical laughter you'd expect in a psychiatric ward, but the genuine article, born out of pure jubilation, causing even the lifeless white walls to glisten with energy.

"…So why're you here?" a raspy voice, unmistakably my daughter's, drifted from down the hall.

"Nuh-uh, not saying. You ever heard of fight club? Well this is Psych Club, and the only rule here is don't ask anyone what they did to land themselves in here. I s'pose it's the first lesson in Looney Bin Etiquette 101!" an unfamiliar, trilling voice announced. It was unmistakably feminine, and edged with the crisp, proper hint of a British accent. For a patient, it seemed too cheerful, too happy to be here, it didn't belong.

"Looney Bin?" Tegan asked, a mixture of disbelief and humor in her voice.

"Well it certainly has a better ring than Psychia-key-trick Ward, or whatever. I can't even pronounce the stupid name, why do hospitals insist on naming their wings the most awkward words? Like On-col-logical, or Cardio-vascula-tronic, and Neuro-radio-graphology, I mean these words are as awkward as a mouthful of marbles!" the mystery girl's droll voice bounced upon the words, alighting like a butterfly or a dancer, before moving onto the others in the same, cheerful, rhythmic melody. We finally decided to stop spying, and rounded the corner, spotting the two girls in my daughter's room before they saw us. The new girl looked to be about Tegan's age, with a similar, frail build, hidden beneath a pair of sweatpants and the basic psych hospital gown. Her salient characteristic was definitely her shoulder-length hair, dyed a striking, cherry red, which contrasted with the white surroundings just as the intricate black, filigree vine tattoo that meandered its way along the length of her upper left arm contrasted with her pale skin. She was vibrant, full of life, stark against the oppressive surroundings of the hospital; again, I felt that she was misplaced. For the second that Tegan didn't see us, I saw things in her I hadn't seen in a while either, like the spark of happiness in her usually steely eyes, or the healthy glow of her face as it broke out into an infectious smile. As soon as she saw us though, it all faded like an ember dying out.

"Emily." Great, I used to be mom, now I'm back to Emily, not to mention the fact she didn't even acknowledge JJ.

"Tegan, you're looking well." I tried to sound enthusiastic, but unlike the vivacious redhead, my words fell flat and hollow. She looked between the two of us, before offering a friendly hand to shake.

"Hello, I'm Philana Saundery, but I haven't responded to Philana since I can remember. Call me Poppy. You two are?" I tried to hide my slight confusion at the cheerful greeting, as I accepted her firm handshake.

"I'm Emily Prentiss, Tegan's… mother, and this is my girlfriend Jennifer Jareau." I introduced solemnly, a little put off by my daughter's frigid greeting. I tried to hide my hesitance at calling her my child, worried how Tegan would take the admission.

"Well aren't you two the sweetest thing since icing sugar!" she squealed happily. Both of us were a little puzzled by her analogy, but we accepted it like a compliment. "Have you been together long?"

"They've been here long." Tegan grumbled sardonically from her spot on the bed. Poppy fixed her with a sympathetic look, leaving me unsure where she stood, and whether I was about to be thrown out on my ass.

"It's okay, we just wanted to drop by, see if you woke up. I'm obviously intruding, so I'll be going now." I assented softly, backing out of the room as if my daughter might turn into some ferocious beast. JJ and I had just barely left the room when the new girl, Poppy tapped me on the shoulder.

"Give her time, keep coming back, don't ever stop coming back, but give her time. Eventually she'll come 'round, realize that you want to be there. I'll tell you one thing you probably already know though; she's as stubborn as a mule. It'll take a lot on your part, but she needs a lot." She lowered her voice infinitesimally, "And I'll try talking to her about it too, it couldn't hurt." As soon as she was there, she was gone, her slightly personal advice hovering around me like a cloud before really sinking in. it was like a Band-Aid overtop of the bullet wound of rejection from Tegan, it helped, but so little that it became pointless. JJ had fallen silent as soon as Tegan ignored her, and she still remained quiet now. The visit had only been mere minutes, yet somehow it had managed to unravel every thread of happiness from earlier. All I'm left with now is a bunch of questions, a basket of worries, and the tattered memories of joy which I tried to knit back together with my quivering hands. It would never look the same.

**A/N I've introduced a new OC, whom I've already fallen in love with! Read and review, you know how happy your feedback makes me!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N speedy updates, coming your way! I spent most of the morning sketching foxes on Microsoft paint, so I figured I had the time to give an extra chapter! On a semi-unrelated note, don't think you saw the last of Poppy; she's sticking around for a bit!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, CBS does!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Four

JJ had been freakishly silent on the drive home, and upon getting in the door she sat on the couch with a defeated slump. I took a spot next to her, studying her face, her preoccupied blue eyes hidden behind the thoughts and regrets that played there like a movie on fast-forward.

"JJ baby, don't shut me out, please?" I asked softly, placing my hand on her knee. Just as the gesture seemed to thaw her glacial façade, her cell phone rang from her bag. She leapt up to get it, leaving me sitting there, begging for it not to be a case. She muttered sharply to the person on the other end of the line before hanging up seconds later.

"We have a case, local child abduction in the Potomac Mills Mall, it may be connected to an earlier case. Hotch wants us in the office." She groaned unhappily. I simply picked up my go-bag which was waiting by the door. I couldn't really complain when there was a little girl missing. Driving back to the BAU felt weird, we used to spend more time there than at home, but now it felt completely alien. We hadn't been there in weeks. As soon as we had stepped off the elevator, before I could drop JJ's hand out of fear that our profiler friends would notice, we were accosted by Garcia who flew by in a flurry of color.

"Umm… Garcia?" JJ asked, while both of us were dragged through the bullpen to "her lair", a neon-nail-painted hand grasping her forearm while the other maintained its death grip on mine. She flew into her room, shutting the door behind us and taking her seat. There was only one other chair in the room, and the fleeting thought of JJ sitting on my lap crossed my mind before I realized how un-subtle that was. I gestured for JJ to take a seat, and I leaned against the back of the chair, both of us thoroughly confused as to why she had kidnapped us.

"Okay, out with it! What is going on with you two?" Pen demanded, leaving me scrambling for some excuse to give her. I sure as hell wasn't ready to tell the team now!

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently. I knew that answering a question with a question was a clear sign I was hiding something, but they didn't teach you how to lie flawlessly in Profiling 101!

"There's been nary a whisper of either of you two in the past weeks! So I began to worry about my gumdrop and sunshine, so I did some digging. JJ your cellphone hasn't registered any farther than 50 metres from Emily's house in the past week! So Emily's either stolen it and is impersonating you, or you keep forgetting to pick it up after forgetting it there, or the most likely answer, you two have been living together! Now spill!" JJ quirked her eyebrow in confusion.

"You've been tracking my cellphone for the past few weeks?" she exclaimed, aghast at the semi-creepy action. Garcia threw up her hands as if in surrender, her chair rolling slightly backwards as she did so.

"That's not the point Jayje!" she fixed us with a withering glare, making it perfectly clear we weren't leaving the room without giving her answers. I squirmed nervously in my spot, trying not to look to guilty under Garcia's intense interrogation. JJ looked up at me briefly, a fleeting glance which spoke volumes. She was thinking about telling. The idea seemed to dredge up all those buried worries I tried so hard to keep secret.

"It's nothing Garcia, you're making something out of nothing!" I exclaimed, regretting my words only when I saw the hurt cross JJ's face. She stood up from the chair, the insult clear in her voice.

"Yeah Garcia, she's right, it's nothing." She muttered, wheeling around and slamming the door. I slid into the vacated chair in defeat, placing my head in my hands.

"You screwed up this time lovebird." Garcia chirped.

"Tell me about it- Hey, don't tell me you knew…" I groaned into the hands in front of my face.

"Sugarplum, I'm the All-Knowing Goddess of Omniscience, you two couldn't have hidden from me if you changed your names, got plastic surgery, moved to the boonies, and never came out from your little isolated hut." She seemed rather proud of herself for figuring this all out. I on the other hand, was royally screwed. Were relationships supposed to have this many arguments?

"Oh come on…" I groaned. Just at that point, to top it all off, Hotch came in.

"C'mon Prentiss, we needed you five minutes ago." He announced solemnly, causing me to jump up like a teenager caught late to one of her high school classes. The case was local, so there was no debriefing on the jet. Katie Jacobs, six years old, was snatched from the Potomac Mills Mall, which is now under lockdown. The case bears eerie similarities to that of a murdered girl a week ago, Jessica Davis. We arrived there, met the frantic family, and began to search and investigate. I on the other hand, was slightly preoccupied with finding JJ, who had disappeared into full Agent Jareau mode after the incident in Penelope's office. Everyone else dashed around, following leads, while I felt strangely out of place. It was when Hotch had me sit in on his interview with Richard Jacobs, Katie's uncle, and hear his eventual confession to her abuse, did the anger spark to life. As soon as suspicions turned upon his wife, Susan, I was the one to interview her. I refused to see another family ruin a child's life just like my daughter's. It was that poisonous anger that fueled my aggressive interview, mercilessly going after the woman until she finally gave in. Upon shutting her into the police car, I just felt all the weight of the day fall back onto my shoulders. All these tortured children, all these failed moments with my child, all these frivolous arguments with JJ, it's all too much right now. In need of some serenity, I climbed into the black, government-issue SUV and curled up into a little ball in the backseat. Hotch and JJ were talking with the hostage rescue officers, while Reid and Morgan were over with Jeremy, Katie's cousin. Everyone was busy enough; no one would miss me for ten seconds. I was perfectly content in my loneliness when I heard the car door open, and the light flick on.

"Hey Princess, you in here? Hotch wants us all-" he trailed off as he took in my defeated, tear-stained appearance.

"I had a fight with JJ, and my daughter hates me, and people keep hurting children. What is wrong with the world?" I asked tiredly. He climbed over the seats, sitting beside me.

"Okay, back it up, one at a time, why are you and JJ fighting?" he patiently coaxed. At this point, alone and saddened, my inhibitions were low, and telling people didn't seem so scary.

"Because I'm scared to tell people about our relationship." I admitted, watching as his face turned shocked, the expression barely recognizable in the dim light.

"Relationship? You and JJ are together? You're a lesbian?" he asked, his voice tainted with disbelief, but no palpable disgust, so I figured I was doing well.

"As for the first two, those are up in the air until this argument is over. But yes, I'm a lesbian." I traced the silvery stitching on the leather seats in front of me, not meeting his gaze. I feared the rejection that I figured was imminent. I didn't take another breath until I saw the whitish glint of the streetlights off his teeth as he smiled.

"Finally, I have a wingman-er-woman! No offense to Reid, but unless that boy's pulling rabbits out of hats, he doesn't have much talent with the ladies!" he exclaimed, causing a bewildered smile to break out across my face.

"What? But I love JJ?" I was still reeling from his easygoing acceptance.

"Even better, prevents you from stealing too much of my action!" he exclaimed, with his chest puffed out proudly. I suddenly felt lighter than I had in a while. It was as if being relieved of that small nagging worry changed my entire perspective. Morgan offered a tissue to remove the traces of tears which I had long forgotten.

"But seriously, JJ'll come around. You two need each other. Because if the whole reason she's been walking on clouds for the past few months is you, she'll realize how much she needs you when she finds that without you holding her up, she's falling." He reassured, before jostling my shoulder slightly.

"Thanks Derek, I needed that. And please, I want to be able to tell the others, Pen is the only one who knows besides you. Don't tell anyone, okay?" he nodded quickly, as if there was never a doubt.

"Of course Emily." He reassured, before slipping ahead into the driver's seat, and starting the car. I gazed out the window as the lights of the city whipped by, analyzing my reflection in my window. Thoughts ricocheted through my head with the speed and intensity of the fleeting lights, wondering whether JJ would be there when I got home, trying to come up with something to say to her if she was, and preparing myself for the hurt if she wasn't. We pulled up to my apartment complex before I could discover any real answers.

"Go get 'em Princess." Derek encouraged, and I gave him a nervous smile as I exited, walking up to the door of the building, before climbing the routine path to my apartment. I unlocked the door and swung it open.

"JJ?" I called tentatively, the only response I received back was the tinny echo and the perpetual ticking of a clock. Even though I had just flicked the lights on, the rooms all seemed dark and riddled with shadows, because my sunshine wasn't alongside me to fill them with her radiant warmth. The apartment was heart-breakingly empty. Holding to that small yet scorching ember of hope though, I sat on the couch, pulling a blanket around my feet, staring at the door as the clock counted off the seconds aimlessly. With each tick, I hoped that JJ would return to me, because this cold emptiness was too vast and threatening to face without her. And what Morgan had said for her was the same for me, I needed her there, holding me up, to stop my world from fracturing into a million mirrored shards, all reflecting jagged pictures of what used to be happiness.

**A/N read and review!**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N My muse is really on a roll this weekend! Here's another chapter, and please keep those reviews coming!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, I'm just borrowing some of the characters to manipulate to my will!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Five

Sometime around one o clock in the morning, I had fallen asleep, completely drained from my long day and from hours of heart-broken crying. I had almost come to terms with it, I screwed up enormously, JJ wasn't coming back. My dreams that night were tormented, twisted by my sadness, and the pit of loneliness cleaving my heart in two. It was like a slideshow of insult, each one worse than the last. JJ never returning, JJ breaking up with me, JJ cheating on me, JJ killed by an unsub, JJ snatched from my arms by some faceless force. But they all had one common thread, losing my beloved blonde. During the hazy hours of the dim dawn, I was roused from my fitful rest by the clicking of my door unlocking. My FBI agent side kicked into action, grabbing for the sidearm that was currently lying on the table in front of me. It was only when I heard the soft moans and sobs did I manage to counteract the trained reflex, moving away from the gun and back to my spot on the couch, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. A tearstained blonde appeared in my vision like a mirage, and I had to blink multiple times to be sure she was really there.

"You weren't home." I stated obviously, sitting up to make room for the distraught blonde. She made no move to sit though, pacing the room instead with weary feet.

"I went back to the BAU with the rest of the team. We rode to work together, remember? I thought you'd need a ride so I waited for you. Hotch, Penelope, Reid, even Morgan all came. I watched all of them leave, one by one, and I still waited." Her rant was interrupted by a hiccupping sob, and she swallowed it away before continuing.

"The cleaning staff came, they left too, eventually all the lights shut off and I was still waiting. But at that point I wasn't just waiting, I was hiding. Because I thought that you had left just like everyone else. I knew it wasn't true, my rational mind kept scolding me at the thought, but I did Em, I thought it true. And eventually I just gave up waiting because I didn't think you'd come any more, and because sitting in that cold, dark, vacated office was too lonely. I came here to get my things, and then I find you." I couldn't tell whether she was sad, or sorry, or angry or just lost. I knew I was, lost, I mean. Was I still in the doghouse for my fuck-up with Pen? Or was she already over that, and just mad at me for not going to meet her? She was standing just out of arm's reach, straight as a soldier, with her arms wrapped around her chest. Any profiler would think she wanted to be left alone, based on her body language. But right now we weren't two profilers, because I was too confused and tired to think rationally, and she was just strung-out and emotional.

"Morgan gave me a drive home after he found me curled up into a little ball in the back of the SUV. I started the night off waiting for you, and I must have dozed off somewhere in between. I was waiting for you." I groaned. JJ just gave a humorless chuckle as she began pacing again.

"Great, and what string of lies did you feed him so he didn't find out the truth? What story of yours am I going to have to play along with?" the sarcastic, flat tone hurt me, and in that brief moment I had to fight the urge to lash out angrily. Anyone could see in JJ's eyes, her complexion, her posture, that she was completely and utterly drained. If I yelled now, I may as well have been yelling to a wounded puppy, it would only hurt the situation more.

"I told him." I mumbled. The blonde rolled her eyes impatiently now, as if she was dealing with a lying child.

"Told him what? Is there a story here or did you just fall back on the classic "I'm fine" because he's known you too long to fall for that bullshit."

"I told him the truth. I told him about us. I told him about what an idiot I keep proving myself to be, I told him how alone I felt without you, I told him every-fricking-thing. Happy now?" her face hovered between emotions, frozen by my outburst. I gave up on my calm act; it was just too early and too mentally trying.

"Oh." She murmured, dropping her head in shame. Oh? That's all she had to say to me?

"I did tell him, for your information. Not that it seems to matter to you, because I'm always screwing up. Well here's some news JJ, I'm human, I'm flawed, some could argue more flawed than most, I'm allowed to screw up. You can't just turn tail and shut me out when I slip up, and you can't shut me out for being scared! I was raised by parents who taught me that the only weakness is showing weakness. So I hide, and sometimes it would be nice to have someone coax me out from hiding instead of running away and leaving me in the dark! I mean seriously JJ if that's all you're here for, the good times, the times when I'm perfect, then get out. I'm tired of being held to these impossible standards. I'm needed to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mother, the perfect agent, the perfect lover, and I can't, I can't do it all, and I certainly can't do it alone." I sighed, all the fight draining out of me along with my words. JJ looked just as exhausted, as she finally moved from her standing position and sat on the couch next to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Emily. I'm scared too, and sometimes I let that take me over. Just hearing you say our relationship was nothing, even if it was all a lie, it reinforced all those reoccurring nightmares I keep having, the one where the best thing in my life leaves me. I'm terrified of losing you, since everyone I've loved seems to leave me eventually. I was the last person to see my sister alive, before she committed suicide. We used to be so close, then one day she handed me a necklace and suddenly, I'm at a funeral. I watched my father deteriorate from dementia, watched him slowly lose pieces of himself, he literally disintegrated before my eyes. I've had relationship after failed relationship, and it all just seemed to accumulate into one blinding fear. I'm imperfect too, and I'm sorry if my imperfections made you think you had to be perfect." Her blue eyes seemed to grow wider, until I could see my whole world reflected in their mirrored depths. She shuffled slightly in her spot before casting me a look, silently asking permission for more. I nodded slightly, allowing her to lean into my recumbent form and lay her head against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry too, for saying it, for making you think I was gone." I softly admitted, hearing her sniffle slightly before giving a contented sigh.

"I know. You didn't need to say it, I just knew." Her soft reply drifted up in the still air. We just sat in the comfortable silence, piecing ourselves back together while taking secret comfort in the other's presence. The lights flashed outside, a door creaked down the hall, faraway, a siren wailed frantically. Time passed, but we seemed immune to it, watching the first, gray rays of sun pierce the night and flood the landscape. I looked at JJ's thoughtful face, lost in thoughts deeper than a great philosopher, and marveled at the beautiful work of art illuminated as the virgin rays of sun caressed her honeyed cheeks and golden hair.

"I was so busy thinking that I forgot to sleep." She admitted bashfully, a rosy blush blooming upon the apples of her cheeks. JJ seemed to space out right after she said it, the cogs in her mind whirring at breakneck speed as I simply watched.

"I won't leave you, you know that right? We're going to grow old and wrinkled and senile together." I vowed, the subtle humor in my voice actually accenting the serious undertone. Jennifer gave me a jubilant gaze, as if I had just fulfilled her greatest wish.

"And surprisingly enough, I can't wait." She chuckled, before planting a light kiss upon my lips. I greeted her eagerly, teasing her lips with mine before adding my tongue, suddenly craving her addictive sweetness. With my hands knotted in her hair, JJ more than willingly obliged, parting her lips as her own tongue rushed to match mine in a duel for dominance. What had started as a playful peck was quickly escalating into something much, much hotter. Jennifer caught my bottom lip in between her teeth, biting gently before raking her teeth over the swollen, sensitive flesh, craving a reaction. She swallowed the moan she had easily evoked, her hands trailing up my body, leaving the hypersensitive skin in their wake burning with a need to be touched. She let out a small squeal of surprise as my thumb brushed the outside of her breast, causing her to momentarily lose her upper hand on me. I claimed it eagerly, flipping over so she was lying on the couch, and quickly making my way down her neck to her pulse point. I could feel her heart hammering at breakneck speeds beneath my agile tongue and lips, seemingly speeding up as I sucked the sweet skin hard enough to leave a mark.

"My god babe, your heart…" I whispered, watching goosebumps form on her damp skin as my words ghosted over her heartbeat. JJ was already rendered incoherent, only able to respond with a muffled moan. I suddenly realized how fast this was all going, sitting up slightly and shaking my head to offer a patch of clarity in my lust-induced haze.

"What's wrong?" JJ asked immediately, and I felt awful for making her think she had screwed up.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong. It's just that, if we're going where I think we're going, then I don't want our first time to be some hormone-fuelled grope-fest on my living room couch. And I wanted to make sure you're ready, that you're okay with this." The blonde's eyes were suddenly filled with an alluring mixture of lust and trepidation that both tugged at my heart and nearly stopped it.

"I've never, y'know _been_ with a woman before." She admitted shyly, and I couldn't help but be filled with a feeling of weird happiness at seeing the blonde so vulnerable, her trusting me to see her vulnerability.

"I'll take care of you, it's okay. But that's only if you're ready." I repeated calmly, trying to keep the sexy, husky edge out of my voice. I didn't want to pressure her, but if she continued looking at me with those smoky, almost black-blue eyes, that slightly mussed blonde hair, and those swollen, candy-pink, plush lips, I wouldn't be able to hold out much longer.

**A/N tell me what you think? Should one of them chicken out, or is everyone up for Jemily sexytimes in the next chap? Let me know, and please review!**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N I decided after the fact to overhaul and repost this chapter to make it a little more friendly for all readers, plus i didnt feel that the original was that well written!**

**-Nightshade**

**I do not own Criminal Minds, CBS does!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Six

I gently took JJ's hand and pulled her up off the couch, flush to my figure. As we awkwardly shuffled over to my bedroom, unable to let go of the other long enough to take a proper step, I marveled at how perfectly we fit together, as if we were made with the other's body in mind. I could feel the blonde regaining her confidence from her subtle slip out on the couch, and as soon as I had closed the bedroom door she was attacking my pulse point with her lips, sucking and kissing and nipping in a way that made my head spin. I could feel every cell in my body burning for more contact with her, my clothes beginning to feel like burlap against my skin, uncomfortable and too thick. As my lips sought hers out, capturing them in a hot, open-mouthed kiss, my hands instinctively went to the buttons on her rumpled work shirt. All it took was one dark, alluring gaze from Jennifer for me to continue, delicately removing each pearly button at a time, the slow motion heightening my anticipation for what lay beneath. Finally she shed the useless white scrap of fabric, leaving her standing before me in her midnight blue satin bra, the color exactly matching that of the darkened arousal in her eyes. Her lips came crashing back upon mine as her small hands snuck up beneath the hem of my t-shirt, breaking the kiss for a second as she shucked it over my head in one swift motion. I let out an uncontrollable moan as I felt my skin touch hers, momentarily stalled in my advances by the southward rush of heat as I felt her bra-clad breasts press into mine. Our haphazard movement stopped when JJ's calves bumped against the edge of the bed. She lay backwards, her chest heaving for breath as I manoeuvered on top of her in a manner that was half predatory lust, and half loving protectiveness. I kissed downwards, tracing the delicate curves and tendons of her neck with my lips and tongue, trying to commit every inch of perfection to memory, until latching on to her collarbone, nipping and sucking hard enough to leave a mark. Consequently, JJ tossed her head backwards, exposing more of her gorgeous neck while letting out a whimper. Before I could worry that I'd hurt her or been too rough, she groaned out,

"Oh my fuck, Em…" I smiled victoriously against her neck upon finding her weak spot, before continuing my downward journey. The vast expanse of honey-toned skin was far too tempting for me to not touch, instead placing open-mouthed kisses across her chest and upon her fabric-covered mounds. Suddenly, somewhere in between my thundering heartbeats, the shrill cry of my cell phone pierced the hazy air, causing me to groan frustratedly. I kept one arm lazily yet firmly wrapped around JJ's waist, physically unable to separate myself from the beautiful woman, but I leaned over to the bedside table, where the phone was currently laying, and I checked the caller's ID. I recognized the number immediately, one I had dialled so many times that I didn't even need

to read the little name that came attached, proudly proclaiming the name that caused my heart to drop. SSA Aaron Hotchner. Supressing a sigh, I pressed the cheery green call button.

"At least someone's happy." I muttered as my phone chirped gladly as it connected the call. JJ was lying there, half frozen out of fear, and half bored, eventually settling on tracing little senseless patterns across my exposed arms, stomach and neck. I couldn't tell whether it was the delicate pressure of her fingers or the intense blue gaze of her eyes, but I found it immensely distracting.

"Pren-tiss." My voice hitched awkwardly as JJ shifted beneath me, immediately recognizing my business voice.

"Hey Emily, it's Hotch, I just wanted to get your opinion on the files you turned in for the case in Jonesboro, there's only been two bodies in the past three months, and I'm not at all certain that they're connected due to variances in the signature, but the detective on the ground there seems to think it's the work of a serial murderer. I was reviewing them and I just wondered what you thought of it, whether this is a priority case or not." Oh come on, this couldn't have come at a worse time.

"Well, I thought they may be connected as well, but Hotch, I'm kinda busy, is it possible that I can call you back later, or discuss this tomorrow in the office?" it was impossible to keep the tension out of my voice as I spoke, since every cell, every nerve in my body was focused on JJ, not on the case file from Jonesboro

"Oh, don't worry, this will only take a minute." He interjected, causing me to internally groan as he carried on. For a profiler, for a world-class profiler, one who'd gone toe-to-toe with the most stone-faced, hardened criminals and managed to call their bluff, he really had issues with getting a hint! "Three months is a very wide cooling-off period for a criminal, especially one that's shown such rage in his kills. As well, one body was stabbed, the other was manually strangulated, the MO's all over the place. There's no evidence of a signature that I can see, there's no DNA, I see no reason for these to be connected." I rolled my eyes, briefly catching a hint of a devilish smile gracing JJ's face as she stretched up and pulled me into another kiss.

"The-the locations. They're within blocks of each other, and both bodies were placed in dumpsters, I thought it-it was too similar to be a fluke." I managed to stutter out in between fluttering kisses exchanged between Jennifer and I. the line went silent, and for a second I thought he was about to hang up.

"I suppose you're right… it could be a copycat though." JJ tried to pull me into a deeper kiss, and I lightly swatted her forearm with the hope that she'd stop teasing me.

"I suppose!" I hissed angrily, the words being forced out of my lungs by the rapidly-growing knot of anticipation in my chest.

"Are you feeling okay Emily?" Hotch asked innocently, and I had a hard time believing he had no idea or suspicion as to what's going on. JJ was still sweetly torturing me, and I was of half a mind to ask Hotch to call her and occupy her mind with random little issues while I kiss her senseless, just so she knew how I felt.

"No, Hotch, I'm actually not feeling well, I'll think over your suggestions on the case tonight, and I'll look it over again tomorrow. Bye." I hung up promptly, causing the older man's words to splutter off and die, hanging in midair. I sighed happily, at least that was over with, now I could put my full attention in the demanding and slightly evil blonde who was mapping out the elegant column of my neck with kisses.

"You are evil Jennifer Jareau…" I purred lasciviously, pulling her plush pink lips back up to meet mine. No sooner had I done that, the phone rang again, both of us giving an anguished huff of impatience.

"Oh come on, you'd think the world was freaking ending…" I trailed off, fishing my cell out from underneath a fold in the bedclothes and scanning the caller ID. Hotch hadn't bothered calling again, apparently we owed this favor all to one Penelope Garcia.

"Hello?!" I barked loudly into the little speaker, hearing the bubbly blonde's voice filter back through in response.

"Geez Louise! What's got you all wound up Sugarpie? Boss-man wanted me to send you over an annotated copy of a case file for Jonesboro, but for all my hacking prowess and all my omnipotence, it can't seem to go through. Now, I know that there's nothing wrong with my babies here, they're all running smoothly, so I was wondering if your router is down, do you mind checking it out for me? If it is, you'll need to restart it, Hotch seemed determined to get these files over to you pronto, and Penny G never disappoints!" Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me? This is just evil now, the universe has it in for me! As if she could read my mind, JJ snickered mischievously, before continuing to nip at my jawline.

"Actually-fuck yes-yes I do mind Garcia!" I groaned, half urging JJ on, and half out of actual anger.

"Hey, hey, hey, language! Cool it Miss Pottymouth, just because you aren't feeling well doesn't mean you get to flood my tender ears with profanities-" a rebel moan bubbled up from beneath my diaphragm and tore from my throat as JJ sucked on my pulse point, filling the room, and unfortunately, the phone's speakers, overtop of the background of JJ's restrained, tittering laughter at my poor self-control. Garcia was silent for a second, and for a moment I actually had the optimistic thought that in that exact moment Penelope's hand twitched and she dropped her phone accidentally, not hearing a thing, when I knew that to be wishful thinking.

"Ooooooohh! I get it now! And I'm supposing JJ's 'not feeling well' either? I'll be expecting details later, bye lovebirds!" she chirped happily before hanging up the phone. Great, now she's going to grill either JJ or I for 'details' later, not to mention the fact that my boss may or may not know I'm involved with my co-worker romantically. This is just fan-freaking-tastic now, what else will go wrong? Who else is there left to call me? Who else is left who hasn't completely lost respect for me? I was beginning to think that I was speaking this out loud, either that or JJ was a mind reader. She leaned in closely, snatching the phone, which I hadn't even hung up after Penelope's hasty goodbye, and pitching it out the open door. I heard the dial tone echoing throughout the hallway as it skittered across the hardwood floors and against walls, coming to a rest out of sight but still within earshot, so we could still hear the tinny beeping.

"JJ-" I protested, suddenly worried that my cell phone, which I had gotten through the Bureau anyway, and therefore wasn't even mine, was broken, and at least I worried about leaving the line open. I got up swiftly, walking over to where the door lay ajar, until JJ's protests halted my motion.

"Em, are you seriously telling me that after all that, you're more concerned about your cell phone?" she asked, a hint of fake hurt hovering in her liquid sapphire eyes. Of course, faced with that question, between the centre of all my annoyances in the past half hour, or the love of my life kneeling half-naked and beckoning on top of my bed, it was a no brainer.

"Hell no." I decided, slamming the door shut with the intent of keeping the irritating dial tone-and the rest of the world-at bay for the next few hours.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N It was the weirdest thing, I posted the last chapter, went to sleep, and dreamt that I got really sucky reviews (an FF author's worst nightmare) and upon waking up, I discover the complete opposite! Thank you for all your positive reviews! It's because of them that I'm posting a new chapter instead of reading Shakespeare for homework! This chap's just a little bit of filler, before I delve right back into all the Tegan drama!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Morning came all-too soon, the wary rays of sun delicately breaching my cocoon of happiness. Somehow, in the nighttime, I had managed to discover a new sanctuary in JJ's arms, one which I never wanted to leave. I shut my eyes rebelliously, pretending that I could will sleep to return so I could simply lie here. But every little noise seemed to stir my sleep, whether it was the thud from the apartment above, to the trill of a bird, to the droning honk of a faraway car. Finally, I heard a noise that didn't irritate me, the gentle sigh of my waking lover. I found myself captivated by her, it was as if the shroud once covering my eyes was lifted and in the morning light, I could finally see. Her golden hair was shimmering in the sun, fanning out against the pillow like a messy halo; her face seemed to glow, honey skin radiating vitality, and her sleepy blue eyes, revealed by her tired lids fluttering open, glittered like the finest gemstones. It seemed that in the wake of last night, everything in the world was sparkling. JJ propped herself up on her elbows, blinking the sleep from her eyes while the sheet shifted on her body, revealing more of her familiar-yet-tempting curves. I could feel that familiar buzz of arousal whirr to life, and I knew she knew the same when she leaned over and kissed me.

"Good morning." She yawned sleepily, smiling softly at me before her eyes finally focused on the clock beside the bed.

"Shit!"

"What's wrong?" her outburst had shocked me, and the first thing that popped into my head was that I had done something wrong, or that she was already regretting last night.

"We were supposed to be in the office ten minutes ago!" she announced, jumping out of the bed, into a nearby robe, then into the bathroom-more specifically, the shower- in less than five seconds flat. Mentally grappling whether to be relieved that it wasn't something I'd screwed up, or disappointed that JJ was gone and I had to get out of bed, I sat in stunned silence for a moment before slowly returning to action. By the time I had gotten dressed JJ was out of the shower, and I leapt in after her.

"Em! I have nothing to wear, and everyone's going to know something's up if I wear the same clothes I wore the day before!" JJ called from my bedroom.

"Just grab something out of my closet!" I called out, scrambling to blow-dry my hair while simultaneously brushing my teeth. I came out of the bathroom, fully dressed and ready, to find Jennifer packing her stuff, wearing a grey suit and purple top of mine. Something about seeing her in my clothes made the nagging buzz in my core grow, and before I could help myself I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her softly. I was shocked to be pushed away by her hand.

"Hun, I love you, but not now, we're nearly a half-hour late." I was brusquely rebuffed as she dragged me out to the car. My head was still spinning from the fast pace of the morning, and I couldn't help feeling a little lost until I felt the blonde's hand work its way into mine, intertwining our fingers. That little touch seemed to anchor me, and I felt the craziness clear just a little bit. Our hands stayed linked as we walked into the BAU, not really caring who speculated about us. I figured that having your boss call during sex was the most embarrassing, but effective way to out oneself. Although, Hotch didn't seem to take notice…

"You two…" Garcia had found us early, and she was staring at us from her lair with the devilish eyebrow quirk that meant nothing but dirty thoughts. I knew she wouldn't give up without harassing us, and I preferred not to have my sex life shouted across the FBI hallway, so we detoured over to where she stood.

"Aww! I can't ask for details with the both of you here, that's awkward!" she announced, causing me to groan inwardly.

"Garcia, is it possible for us to keep anything private!" I hissed, secretly amused by the blonde, but I sure as hell wasn't going to let her know that!

"Privacy? That term is lost on the Omniscient Gossip Goddess! If it's not too much of a bother, I'm going to steal your blushing blonde so we can… review a case. Tah-tah-for-now!" JJ mimed begging for help as she was dragged into the office by her exuberant friend. I chuckled under my breath upon hearing Garcia query whether JJ was wearing that same purple top I had purchased on a girls shopping trip months ago, before heading into the bullpen where Morgan was tossing paper balls at Reid.

"Derek, stop mishandling the genius!" I scolded playfully. Reid seemed to perk up at the sight of someone coming to help defend him from the office battle.

"I was simply explaining my recent success in our basketball pool, how I broke down the teams' shooting strategies, most common plays, average heights and weights of players, team morale, etcetera. Actually, the act of scoring a basket is simple when broken down. If you manage to get the perfect angle, plus or minus a few degrees to make up for the backboard and other variables like wind speed, and keep the ball on a set velocity, the players could easily adjust their positions on the court and their posture to score more baskets per attempt. Also, players between a certain height range have the advantage because of-" his long-winded ramble was cut off by another perfectly lobbed ball of paper smacking him straight in the forehead, mussing his bangs and distracting him.

"Then I was so moved by his rant that I decided to test out his theory, and I haven't missed my mark yet!" Derek crowed, stretching back in his chair before Reid smacked him upside the head with another ball of paper.

"Hehe, neither have I!"

"Behave yourselves boys." I joked, sliding into my chair, unable to keep the radiant smile from my face.

"Well, someone's quite chipper today, some would say giving off a glow… fun night Prentiss?" I reached for an abandoned paper ball to toss his way, but before I could smartly retort back, Reid jumped in.

"Actually, her out-of-character happiness could be due to a lot of things. Hormone cycles, variations in air pressure, some sort of serendipitous incident, although I don't believe happiness can be measured quantifiably, and therefore tracked. There have even been cases where extreme bouts of euphoria are caused by tumors that secrete serotonin…" wow, two Reid rants in five minutes, we've set a new record.

"Reid, I wasn't quite thinking hormones and tumors. C'mon, the spring in her step, that grin, the fact she was half an hour-"

"Twenty-seven minutes, eleven seconds." Reid interjected.

"-Whatever, half an hour late to work, I'm thinking someone got lucky last night!" he grinned cheekily, and I failed at resisting the urge to toss another paper ball in the direction of his smug smirk. The euphemism seemed to have been lost on Reid, who's eyes darted between us like he was decoding some cipher.

"C'mon kid!" the muscular man groaned good-naturedly, tossing a ball of paper to Reid, who caught it and returned the throw, beginning an intense game of catch between the three of us, my sex life mercifully forgotten. Just as Reid and I went rogue, turning on Morgan and pelting him with our ammunition, Hotch walked in with an older man on his tail.

"Ahem." He cleared his throat, looking torn between amusement at our foolishness, and embarrassment at our foolishness.

"This is SSA David Rossi, our new team member." The older man looked confused at the fact that world-class profilers were acting like a bunch of kids in the third grade when the teacher leaves the classroom. Morgan and I both introduced ourselves, both blushing at our stupid game, and then came Spencer.

"Rossi… David Rossi, served in the U.S. Marine Corps, you were one of the original profilers! You were there at the Ruby Ridge standoff, you've interviewed Manson, and Bundy. I've read all your books, if you don't mind I just have a question about a point you brought up in your book _Deviance: The Secret Desires of Sadistic Serial Killers_, you stated there that unsubs are most commonly motivated by-"

"Nice to meet you too." Rossi interjected, offering his hand to shake which Reid turned down, as always.

"Anyway, we have a case, roundtable room in ten minutes, nice to see you're feeling better Prentiss." He added as he walked past, making me blush even redder. The question still lingered in my mind whether he truly knew, I mean, he's not letting on if he does, but he is Hotch, one of the greatest profilers of all time. I pushed my speculation aside, and walked to the roundtable room, taking a seat beside JJ, and holding her hand beneath the table. Having her by my side made me feel safe, protected, and ready to face another day at work, with all the trials and trauma that may bring.

**A/N this chap was a little rushed, but I wanted to get it out! Review pretty please?**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N yay! More reviews, therefore a new chapter! My muse for this story hasn't dissipated one bit, so I see the possibility for a really long fic here! Of course, that all depends on your loyal readership! Thanks for sticking by me for so long!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, I'm not even going to pretend that's true!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Eight

We left a few days later, the case all neatly wrapped up, despite it being one of the weirder ones I've ever seen. I mean, masks and missing posters? Again, I wondered what type of weird, twisted soul found this all one bit gratifying, but then again, it takes a weird, twisted soul to kill someone, it's only a hop, skip, and a jump from that to complete nutjob. From my seat on the plane, I could quietly glance at JJ sitting at the desk, looking over new case files. I tried not to make it too obvious, after all, I was in a flying tin can along with some of the greatest profilers in history, but I physically couldn't keep my eyes off the object of my love. My eyes caressed her figure, mentally picturing myself working the stress out of her tense muscles, filling her with so much ecstasy that all the pain was wiped clear from her mind. My thoughts were beginning to grow a little more R-rated, and I was disrupted from my deep, all-consuming fantasizing when Hotch walked in front of the sightline of the blonde, reminding me quite quickly that I was still at work.

"S-sir?" I stuttered slightly as I tried to wipe my mind clean of all the dirty thoughts.

"Emily." He replied, a blank wash over his voice and face, making it impossible to determine his emotional climate.

"I was surprised to see you come in today. When I called, you didn't sound well." He commented off the cuff again, somehow managing to make everything light and casual. I, on the other hand, was internally squirming, worry and nerves brewing like an oily chill in the pit of my stomach.

"Yeah, miraculous recovery, I suppose. It's probably just from exhaustion. I mean between my daughter, and the cases, and I've always been a bit of an insomniac…" I rambled, utterly failing at mimicking his calm, cool demeanor.

"Prentiss. I think we both know that cases, or children, or insomnia wasn't what was keeping you awake last night." He whispered, before getting up, leaving me frozen in shock.

"I'd like to see you in my office when we land." He muttered, low enough that no one would take notice. My fear left me twitchy and restless through the entire flight, unable to sit still while the icy grip of nervousness rooted around in my insides, clenching a fist around my stomach and blocking my throat with its icicle fingers. And yet somehow, I managed to zone-out into some sort of trance, staring at the dark clouds against the dark sky, it looked like a canvas, with a dark, indigo-black background, and charcoal smudges, delicately illuminated by the unblinking owl's eye of the moon. I stared at it until I felt the silvery circle burn into the, back of my eyes, as if the faraway chunk of rock could give me the answers to my problems. As we descended back to earth, the clouds cloaked the sky until they hid the moon, yet still glowed internally from its light. Hitting the tarmac with a thud, my stomach did a similar jolt at the renewed fear of talking to Hotch. FBI agents were not supposed to be in relationships with each other, it went against the Bureau's very strict fraternization laws. And two women in a relationship, in the male-dominated playground we worked in? We'd be screwed. This is the stuff that people lose jobs over, and JJ's been with the unit way longer than I, it's her skillset that's desperately needed and hard to find, there are hundreds of other new recruits wanting to be profilers, wanting to take my spot. My spot. I'm going to lose my job over this aren't I?!

"Emily, are you okay? You're standing outside of Hotch's office hyperventilating, what's wrong?" JJ's clear voice split my mental jumble like a breath of fresh air, and I finally consciously realised where I was.

"Oh, I guess I am." I took a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart.

"Hotch wanted to talk to me, I think he knows about us. He's gonna fire me I'm sure of it!" the words came out as a jumbled mass of panic-soaked letters, and JJ's empathetic blue eyes took it all in, before she gave me a hug.

"JJ, not here! I'm already in enough trouble!" she refused to let go, resting her chin on my shoulder so her lips were against my neck. When she spoke, I could feel her words vibrate against my throat.

"If he knows, then this won't change anything. You need the hug Em, just take it." I sighed in defeat, burying my head in JJ's golden hair and wishing I could just stay there forever. She was right, as always, her presence and soothing warmth calmed me instantly.

"Do you want me to talk to him? I-I think I should talk to him-"

"Jayje its fine, I don't need you to fight my battles, even if this one's already lost." I cut her off, my tone stone cold sober and easily silencing her. I saw defeat wave over her eyes like the spirit of death before passing on.

"Do you want me to wait for you?" our embrace had passed the boundary of friendly a while back, but I couldn't bring myself to let her go.

"No, just go home, because if I lose my job then I'm going to need the drive home to collect myself, and having you at home to return to gives me a reason not to just sit on the street curb like every other washed-up soul. Besides, you can open the booze ahead of time, I'll need it if the worst case happens."

"Okay. It won't, but I'll catch a cab home anyway." She said, passing me the car keys, since we'd carpooled today.

"It'll be fine. If you lose your job, we'll work it out, but you won't. Hotch will understand, he's a good guy like that. Plus, what's to say I won't lose my job instead?" I smiled, a little cheer blooming inside of me like a rosebud.

"Because, they need you too much, Hotch knows that." I reassured, kissing her softly on the forehead before breaking out of the hug.

"Agent Prentiss?" Hotch finally came out of his office to summon me in, and I entered it with all the trepidation of a young knight entering a dragon's air.

"Sit, please." He offered, taking a seat in his own chair on the other side of the desk.

"I'd rather not Sir." I politely declined, my legs moving like they weren't my own, pacing tight circles on the limited floor space. He sat there for a moment, a chess player evaluating the game, a warrior evaluating his opponent's army. The silence became deafening, the simple sounds of my footfalls striking louder than a scream in the empty air.

"Did you want anything Sir?" I asked confusedly, wondering why he hadn't spoken.

"Yes, but I'm not going to walk you through it. You're going to tell me what you think I want with you."

"Is that a threat Sir?" I quirked my eyebrow. But he really did sound like one of those maniacal villains from the Hollywood movies.

"No. I just want you to say it. You obviously have something on your chest, and here you can speak your mind." His face took on that blank, emotionless look, and I inwardly cursed his flawless mask. He'd make an excellent Prentiss; I'm going to need lessons.

"Sir-"

"And stop calling me Sir, Emily. It's Aaron or Hotch, no need for formalities."

"Fine, Hotch, Agent Jareau and I are… involved… in more than just a simple co-worker, friendly relationship. I'll pack the stuff from my desk and be out of here quicker than I came." I hung my head, moving towards the door on leaden legs.

"I'm not firing you Emily." He stopped me, causing me to turn in shock.

"No?"

"No, you're a vital part of the team, we need you. Both you and JJ. I can tell you from experience, this job is hard, and you need someone to lean on to take your mind off it all sometimes. I'm glad you two have each other. There is one condition to this though…" he trailed off, causing the nerves to materialize in my belly.

"What?"

"You get to keep your job, if you promise to never bring up my calling during your… after-hours activities." He blushed cherry red, an odd look for the usually stony-faced man. I let out a tense giggle at his request, feeling immeasurably lighter.

"I promise Hotch. It's actually a relief to find one of my colleagues who isn't prying for information on my sex life!" I grinned, watching my boss mull over my statement.

"Very well. Goodnight Emily, tell JJ she did a good job on this case as well." He tacked on.

"How do you know that I'll be seeing her tonight?" I asked, thoroughly confused. I thought we had been doing good sneaking! How did he know she's staying with me.

"Seriously Prentiss? You two drive to work together every morning, you come into the BAU holding hands and chatting without a care in the world, I did catch wind of Garcia's cellphone snooping, and JJ was clearly wearing your clothes today. A blind man could tell you two stay together. I'm actually a little hurt that you doubt my skills that much." He remarked, in an odd mix of deadpan and humor that was uniquely Hotch. Okay fine, I suppose I've lost my sneakiness from my undercover days.

"Never a day since I've worked here Hotch." I smiled, before finally exiting the office. I walked across the bullpen in measured, careful steps, trying to make sure I maintained some look of professional decorum and hid my excitement. That of course, all went out the window as the elevator doors slid shut, leaving me hidden from the eyes of onlookers, at which point I promptly broke into an ecstatic happy dance. Around my third or fourth twirl I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, announcing an incoming text.

_From: Penelope Garcia_

_Hey Sweet Pea, I know u luv 2 pretend you're all tough, but ur happy dance is cute as a button 3 run home 2 my Sunshine sweetie!_

I chuckled at her proliferation of short-forms and emoticons, before tapping out a reply on my phone's little keyboard.

_Stop spying on me plz! First the phone tracking and now this! Power down the cameras and take a rest Big Brother! _

I stared up at the silver fish-eye of the camera lens in the corner, monitoring my every move and feeding it straight to the Tech Genius' snoopy screens.

_Just keeping an eye on my fave female profiler! And hey, it's Big Sister to you ;D Nighty-night Em!_

Placing my phone back into my pocket, I cast another wary glance around the metal box before exiting, hopping in the car and driving home with the radio blasting some upbeat pop song I had never heard before, but I knew would certainly be stuck in my head for the next few days.

"JJ?" I knocked at the door to my apartment, pressing my ear to the door as if I could hear her from this side. Her face was sombre when she opened the door, breaking into a tentative smile only when she took in my happy expression.

"We're okay?" she asked hopefully, to which I responded by picking her up by the waist and spinning her around jubilantly.

"We're better than okay!" I crowed, finally slowing my spinning and placing her on the floor again, claiming her lips in a happy kiss. I pressed my forehead to hers, enjoying the feeling of freedom.

"We're perfect."

**A/N another semi-filler chapter, but the next one'll be back to Tegan, I promise! I'm loving the happiness for now!**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N My goodness this chap took a while to get out! I've had the document open on my computer for days, and it's taken that long to write! But finally, after hours of toiling and blood, sweat, and tears, another upload!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Today was a visiting day. It was a routine, just like everyone else had. Some people had specific days set aside for grocery shopping, others for laundry to be done, and others for housecleaning. Everything in life had a specific timeslot, color-coded and sticky-tabbed in the great agenda of life. I, on the other hand, had hospital visiting days, the days where I knew to sleep in a little later to make sure I'm fully rested, the days that I take a little extra time in the bathroom on my hair and makeup to compensate for how awful about myself I'd be feeling when my child once again rejected me, the days where I'd take that spare five minutes and enjoy the solitude and rest in my mind before the small space was filled with all the quarreling of a thousand armies. JJ knew the routine without me even needing to speak a word, simply noticing the little behavioural tells I showed. The slightest tension held in my shoulders, the faintest mist of preoccupation glazing my eyes, she really could have become a profiler easily, either that, or I walked around with a giant billboard proclaiming my every thought and whim, because all my other colleagues made it seem so. We met in the car, I tended to pull away from her on those mornings when I was stressed, old habits die hard I suppose. She seemed to understand it though, a subtle reminder of how we had adapted to each other's preferences and quirks after the series of arguments we'd had. Her greeting was silent and unintrusive, an offering of coffee in a travel mug while we sat in the car. I gratefully accepted it, a reminder that I wasn't shutting her out completely; I just needed the silence to process my thoughts. I took her hand in mine, telling myself that it was another reminder to JJ that she wasn't being closed out by my mental walls, when truly I just wasn't ready to admit to myself that I needed the support of someone there with me. The hospital was unchanged; I'd been there so many times that the slightest wilt of a flower or tarnish of a window stood out glaringly. We remained linked by our joined hands as we followed the familiar path through the hospital towards the psych ward, which was once again filled by the bubbly, lilting accented voice belonging to Poppy.

"… it's really beautiful out there today!" she was exclaiming loudly in a matter-of-factly voice.

"It's cold and drippy and loud, what's pretty about that?" Tegan rebutted, her voice taking on a faux-complaining edge instead of her usual whiny tone.

"The colors are all gently faded, like that familiar photograph you'd constantly look at as a kid, and it smells like fallen leaves and winter, have you ever noticed that? And it's just cold enough that the hairs on the back of your neck prickle, and your feet and hands tingle, and your lungs are filled with the brisk air, and you feel alive. It's perfect."

"You said that about the last few days, is there ever a non-perfect day in your eyes?"

"Well, a few, but I choose not to remember those. Everything's perfect it you look at it in a certain light." Just as Poppy finished explaining we walked in, and just as last time, my daughter fell silent.

"What are you two doing here." The question came out lacking any intonation, like it was a statement instead.

"Visiting my daughter." I curtly replied. I could feel Poppy's eyes on me, as if they could soak in all the energy I was radiating and analyze it. Not profiling no, something deeper, like she was scanning my soul.

"Well I don't want you here. And I especially don't want HER here." JJ went rigid, suddenly being singled out from the group. I had the nagging feeling that this was a constant feeling for her, like she was always a little on the outside.

"She has a name." I replied in an immovable tone. I didn't want her to believe that she had any ability or control to push me away. I was her mother, and she needed a mother in this situation. My train of thought was interrupted by JJ's rejected sobs, and the poor job she was doing of concealing them. Poppy jumped up immediately, not touching the distraught woman, but her willowy hand hovering close enough to know she was there.

"Here, come with me." She offered, ushering her silently out of the room and leaving me and my daughter alone, separated by a few feet and a miles-thick barrier of Prentiss walls, chilly and hard as a glacier.

"Listen to me." I started off firmly. Her eyes were reluctant to meet mine, but eventually silver met brown, duelling silently in a battle of wills.

"I. Will. Fuck. Up. I'm human too. We all are. And what JJ said was a ginormous, humungous spectacular fuck-up on her part, but that's all it was. You didn't even have anything to do with it, I was being a distant, silent, icy bitch by pulling away from her and she was angry so she yelled. She yelled things she regrets, but that's what happens when you're angry. She never, ever meant you any harm. And to demonstrate that, she's been beating herself up over those few words ever since they left her mouth, and if you keep driving that spike into her heart, eventually it'll kill her! So stop it. Stop holding onto this, because you're hurting yourself. I know you've been through tough times, and that description doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the shit-pile you've had to put up with, but you're a Prentiss. We fight like hell through all this, we put our head down and achieve, while acting like icy, distant bitches on occasion. But please, let her have this one, because you know that carrying it around is too much." Tegan's eyes were as sharp and hard as flint, brewing with repressed anger.

"Why? Why should I? To save you from having to choose between us, because I know how those choices always turn out." Not this again! Seriously how many times do I have to go over this with her!

"I am not abandoning you! Jesus Christ I thought you knew that by now! What do I have to do to get that across to you, handcuff myself to you for the rest of my life? No, I don't want to choose, and it would be an impossible choice, which is why I refuse to make it. I'm keeping you both, because I love you both. Get it? I. Love. You. So stop pushing me away, stop picking fights with my girlfriend, stop saying I'm going to abandon you because I'm not! Whenever you do that, forget hurting you, it hurts me! It hurts me to see JJ get up and go along with me to see you, and leave here crying each time, it hurts me when you sneer and cuss and hide from me, it hurts me that I have to visit the hospital to see you, it hurts me to see my child, bleeding to death on the floor- and you know what I do? I lock it down, because if I let myself feel all that hurt then I'd fall apart, and if I fell apart then you'd fall, and JJ'd fall, and we'd all just end up in some big shattered pile of brokenness on the floor so please- please Tegan, stop it!" I gasped, feeling light headed from my long-winded rant. I knew I was crying, and yelling like a maniac, and some part of my mind told me that doing that in a psych ward was a sure-fire way to get a needle of sedative in my side and a free room for a while. But I was ragged and tired, I needed to yell. The waves of adrenaline which caused my heart to race unnaturally fast and my fists to clench managed to shake free more tears, my shoulders shaking like the foundation of a great building about to cave in. Tegan just stared, that's what she seemed to do when she was put in a stressful situation, stand back and watch it unfold.

"Oh." She admitted softly, dropping her eyes once again in defeat. She scooted over on the bed until she was sitting beside me, her hand hovering above mine like she was unsure what to do. The frail, bony, spiderlike appendage dipped unsteadily, and before she could attempt to hold my hand, I grabbed hers by the wrist. Jerkily, like my arm wasn't under my control, I turned her forearm so that the underside of her arm, pale and tender like a fish belly, and brought scars, undergoing multiple different stages of healing, beneath the glaring light.

"This-This. Can't. Happen. Again." I stressed, choking the words out through my tears, yet trying to make sure she understood.

"Okay." She responded, equally shaky. I finally released her hand from my white-knuckled grip. It hovered, like a feral beast set free, before returning and grasping my hand tightly. The physical connection nearly brought forth more tears, which I hid away because I decided I'd done enough crying for the day. Just as we finished our semi-reconciliation, Poppy came back in, a shaken smile on her face and noticeable tearstains on the shoulder of her sweater.

""JJ's waitin' out in the hall for you." She announced, looking slightly sheepish. I couldn't help feeling a great amount of gratitude for this quirky redheaded girl, between staying with JJ and somehow helping heal my daughter, I'm pretty sure she's changed my life in more ways than one. I gave Tegan a loving glance, pulling her in for a quick hug, which she surprisingly reciprocated.

"Tell JJ I'm sorry for hurting her okay? Tell her I know it was an accident." She whimpered, her delicate voice changing her entire demeanor once again. Instead, behind my closed eyes, I had the delusion that I was hugging a six year-old, ashamed for breaking some heirloom vase or something of the sort. Tegan just had that weird ability to go from rebellious and teen-like, to sage and mature, to weak and childlike, right before my eyes. I let go of my daughter, bidding her goodbye before getting pulled into a quick hug from Poppy.

"I'm not really a handshake kind of gal." she chuckled as she let go, letting me walk out into the waiting room where JJ sat.

"How are you?" we both asked at the same time, in unison, before briefly chuckling at it. JJ looked obviously distraught, and I figured I must have looked at least as bad for her to ask me how I was doing. She had planned ahead for this apparently, by not wearing eye-makeup and avoiding teary smudges, but her eyes were still reddened, and she was still sniffling delicately.

"Fine. That Poppy girl is… something." She giggled briefly. I chuckled slightly to myself, my own way of voicing my agreement.

"C'mon, let's get going Hon." I nudged her slightly, tucking her into the crook of my arm and heading out. While we were met with the frigid air, I remembered something from earlier.

"JJ? Tegan told me that she's sorry for shutting you out, that she knows what you said was an accident." I reassured. As soon as she heard me, I could feel her physically relax. She slumped against my figure, the tension materializing from her shoulders, a sigh escaping her lungs. She looked up at me, tears of relief shining in her eyes. Her mouth gaped open, shutting and opening like a fish on land occasionally as she tried to speak, but no words came out. The words were immaterial though, because it was all written on her face. Finally, after hours of crying and crying and self-loathing and more crying, she could finally let herself off the hook.

**A/N reviews really make my day! They're like early Christmas presents!**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N Grr! Schoolwork and life have been taking turns kicking my ass and stealing all my time away! I'm so sorry this took so long to post, and I have a feeling it's pretty rough at that. I suppose you can call this writers block? Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and feel free to hit the little review button and send me some feedback!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty

"JJ, don't you think that you should come inside?" I asked, bouncing up and down on my toes in the vain hope to stay warm. It felt like I had been out in the snow for hours, sitting there while Jennifer put up decorations.

"I can't Em! Tegan's coming home today, and I want this place to look perfect!" the blonde called down from her position near a tree-top where she was stringing up lights.

"Jay, I've never really done the whole decorating-thing anyway, plus with all this snow I doubt Tegan'll even be able to see the lights!" I announced, swiping snowflakes off my eyelashes as I spoke. I could feel my thighs and calves tingling from exposure to the cold, and I seriously worried whether I'd end up dying of frostbite out here in this whitewashed abyss.

"C'mon Em, where's your Christmas spirit?" she asked. The blonde was definitely way too perky for the situation.

"Indoors, all cozy in front of a warm fire." I muttered below my breath. This decorating thing was definitely getting old quickly. My cheeks were stinging now where snowflakes landed, feeling like thousands of tiny needles against my face.

"What?" JJ asked. She must have overheard me, of course.

"Nothing Sweetie!" I covered poorly, exhaling a foggy sigh of relief as I saw her begin to descend the ladder, watching the breath hover in front of me as a cloud of mist. I hustled indoors, followed a few steps behind by my girlfriend, who seemed all-too content to just enjoy the snow. She did look gorgeous though, her honey skin glowing in the faint white light, blue eyes wide and shining, her long blonde hair dotted with crystal pieces of ice and sticking out from underneath an adorable white knit cap. But the warmth she managed to instill in my heart was grossly overmatched by the fury of Old Man Winter's grumpy, gusty winds. I was just about to beg once more, when I noticed her descending the stepladder, signalling the end of my torture in this wintry pit of sufferance. Out of overwhelming jubilation, I swept the blonde into my arms, savoring her close presence for both the intimacy and the warmth. At first we just stood, our foreheads leaning against one another, pressing gentle, fluttering kisses to our lips until the blonde gave me a look that was half teasing and half confused.

"What are you doing?" she quirked one frost-gilded eyebrow.

"Making sure our lips don't freeze together." I chuckled jokingly, knowing it to be impossible. Besides, why wouldn't I want to spend the rest of my life frozen to this gorgeous, smart, funny woman? The whole situation would certainly make coming out a lot easier… JJ gave a huff, the gusty breath blooming into a miniature cloud between the two of us before fading off into the overcast skies.

"Alright then, I can take a hint! Let's get my chilly Casanova inside shall I?" she offered in an extravagant display of chivalry, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulling me to her side. We walked into the building in a comfortable silence, and it was only when the elevator doors slid shut did the revelation hit me.

"Jay… I live in an apartment, how many spots were there to put up lights?" I truly had no idea what she had done out there, half the time my eyes were either frozen over, or closed tight and imagining that the biting wind was really the warm Italian sun in disguise.

"Oh, just around…" she brushed off the comment as she hung up her coat and tucked away her boots, leaving a pile of melting snow in my little foyer big enough to make a mini-snowman. I however, still stood all bundled up, waiting for feeling to return to my calves and toes.

"Em?" she asked, gesturing to my extremely overdressed state.

"I'm waiting for my fingertips to stop burning." She gave me a mischievous smile before sauntering over to where I stood. Starting at my throat, she tugged the zipper of my coat down slowly, tooth by tooth, drawing me closer and closer, until she could slip her hands underneath the coat and have it fall to a puddle at our feet. Taking my scarf, she worked it off my neck and had it wrapped behind my waist, pulling me right up against her so she could kiss and nuzzle at the melting snowflakes in my hair. Something about the close contact and the intimate gestures caused my skin to flush pink.

"How do you manage to make winter coats and frostbite sexy?" I teased the blonde.

"It's a talent of mine. I figured it wasn't marketable though, so I chose media-liasoning instead." She chuckled softly.

"That's not a word." I softly pointed out. The inner nerd of mine couldn't let improper grammar slide by.

"Hey, I'm the mind-blowingly talented Jennifer Jareau; I can make up my own words if I want." She winked sassily, gently guiding me by the wrist over to the couch in front of the warm, crackling fireplace. We curled up together on the couch, just happy to revel in each other's presence. The entire scene struck me as immensely cliché, all it was missing was the Christmas carols playing in the background and the 2.5 kids gathered beneath the Christmas tree, trying to discern what presents lay within. All the same, I was extremely content in where I was. JJ would call it Christmas spirit, I suppose.

"Don't you have a tree to put up?" she asked randomly, breaking my little reverie.

"…No, it's kinda been just me, myself, and I for the holidays anyway, I never really saw the point of doing all that work for no one to see it." I grumbled. It did seem a little barren in here, but ever since I was little, where Christmas was rarely even celebrated half the time, I had never seen the holiday as a big thing. JJ however, was nearly glowing with that childlike sense of anticipation for the holiday, which made it easy to doubt that her family held Christmas anything like mine.

"We'll need to get one then!" she announced, about to jump off the couch when I pulled her back down.

"Jayje, unless you're planning on stealing one, it's a little short notice to get a tree. It's Christmas Eve, remember?" at that realization her face fell, and I immediately felt bad. By her standards my apartment was pretty underdressed.

"oh." She sighed.

"Hey, we don't need one anyway." I tried to cheer her up, unsuccessfully of course.

"Yes we do! This Christmas has to be perfect!" I shuffled in my seat on the couch, straightening up a little more so as to pay attention. I was still confused as to why this Christmas required such a big fuss.

"Why?" JJ fixed me with a look of such utter shock, like I had completely missed the memo, and I was suddenly quite confused.

"Because it's Tegan's first Christmas with us, and we have to make it special! She's had to deal with so much her entire life, and I just wanted it to be special for her! Our daughter deserves to have all the lights, and trees, and presents, and gingerbread cookies, and Christmas happiness that she missed out on as a kid! She deserves to have one day where she shouldn't have to feel worried about the rest of the world, one day where we're all just enjoying each other's presence as a family! I just wanted her to have a chance to feel like a child, to feel that joy and happiness and freedom! She's been forced through hardship after freaking hardship and I thought that she was worthy of all the happiness the holidays had to offer!" a warm realization dawned on me during her little rant. I couldn't believe how much love and care she was putting into the holidays for a person she didn't even know existed a couple months ago. I could barely handle all the rest of it, my heart felt like it was about to burst as soon as she called Tegan "our daughter". I simply sat there, speechless for a few seconds, with tears running down my face in awe.

"Emily?" the blonde queried, concerned for me now. In one swift motion I pulled her close to me, wrapping the thoughtful woman in a bone-crushing hug.

"You are truly amazing Jennifer. I know for sure that we don't need a tree to make Tegan feel happy. All she needs is love, and I know for sure that we have buckets of that to spare for her, you especially, because you don't fuss this much over these minute details for someone if you don't love them. You love her so much that it amazes me, and I can say without a doubt, that she will be very happy." I still refused to let her go from the hug, not that she wanted to be. A little drop of yearning settled in the pit of my stomach as I realized how different my mom and JJ are. I couldn't help wishing that when I was a child, I had someone who cared and loved me this much to decorate a tree at the holidays.

"JJ, Tegan is unbelievably lucky to have you. So am I." I murmured into her shoulder. The sound of bells jingling as the door opened suddenly caught my attention, forcing me to let go of this amazing, stunning, thoughtful, miraculous person.

"Guys, I'm giving you five seconds to become decent before we come in!" the cheery voice of my daughter warmed the room. I supressed a small chuckle at her assumption before I realised something. She said "we", who else came along?

"Merry Christmas!" Poppy announced as JJ and I rounded the corner. "I hope you don't mind my being here, but I had to escort this one home, plus I wanted to wish you both Merry Christmas!" I had no problem with the perky red-head's presence, in fact I was still eternally grateful for whatever she did to help Tegan.

"No problem at all, in fact you're welcome to stay for dinner!" I announced as I ushered the two of them in, giving Tegan and her new friend brief, welcoming hugs. I froze up as soon as I saw Tegan and JJ lock eyes though, ever-so-slightly nervous as to what she may do next.

"I'm so sorry." The shorter brunette admitted, immediately engulfing JJ in a tear-filled hug, which the blonde eagerly reciprocated. The warmth in the gesture brought more happy tears to my eyes, along with a newfound sense of family. It was a happiness that I hadn't experienced in a very, very long time, a contentment so all-consuming that I could sing with jubilation.

"Nice job on the lights you two, I had no trouble finding out which apartment was yours." Poppy added, and I realized I never got the chance to see the product of JJ's labors. I curiously stone away from the rest of the group, walking up to the window in my apartment which appeared to be glowing. A quick peek outside and I realized what had taken JJ so long. I could do nothing but gasp in awe as I took in the strings and strings of colored lights that covered everywhere, from the bare trees planted on the sidewalk, to the awning covering the apartment's entrance, to the façade of the building where, cheerily and brightly, shone the declaration "Happy Holidays!" I looked at JJ with incredulous eyes, and she simply shrugged and gave a wink.

"I'm a woman of many talents. Christmas decorating just happens to be one of them."

**A/N I just want to wish all my readers a Happy Holidays as well, may they be filled with lots of happiness, family, and good times!**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N hey! Two in one day! Kind-of-ish? Whatever, enjoy the next chapter!**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-One

I was woken from my deep and content sleep by the hushed chatter of people and the faint jingling of bells. If even possible to forget, I was immediately reminded of the fact that it was Christmas morning. JJ was no longer beside me, and the sun streaking through the snow-dusted window told me that it was well-into the day. Usually Christmas morning to me held no greater meaning or promise than any other morning, but today I could feel the difference in the air. Wrapping a fuzzy bathrobe around me to ward off a few wayward chills, I hauled myself out of bed and into the hallway outside the bedroom, where the happy chatter only seemed to escalate. It sounded a lot louder than just JJ and Tegan, and even if Poppy came over early, three people couldn't make this much noise. It sounded almost like a party! I squinted against the bright sunlight in the main room, so it took a few extra seconds to take in the scene in front of me.

"Uhmm… Hello?" I groaned, as fuzzy figures came into view.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" cheered the bright-eyed bunch in my living room. From where I stood I could see Penelope, wearing a headband and dress decked out in red, green, and silver jingle bells, leaning up against Derek while absent-mindedly playing with the white fuzzy pom-pom on his Santa hat. JJ and Tegan stood across from them, both grasping matching mugs of hot chocolate while chatting amicably with our friends. Hotch and Haley were hovering around the kitchen where Rossi was flipping pancakes like a TV chef and singing along to Christmas carols like an opera star. Meanwhile, Spencer limped over to the couch, with little Jack crowing triumphantly from his perch upon the genius' shoulders. The little boy was begging for one more piggyback ride around the room, and Poppy waltzed over and lifted the giggling bundle with ease, obliging to his request before swirling and dipping him in her arms like a ballroom dancer as she moved to give Tegan a friendly hug. All in all, my apartment looked like barely-controlled chaos, and I had hardly woken up.

"Emily!" announced Penelope, who jingled as she trotted over to give me a hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek. JJ was inches behind her, and as soon as the technical analyst took a step back, she swooped in to do damage control.

"A party JJ?" I asked incredulously, still feeling quite overwhelmed with the onslaught of festive cheer.

"I was up, and Tegan was up, and Poppy swung by to say hello, then Penelope and Derek came, and Spence as well. Then somewhere in there Hotch brought his family, and of course we had to call Rossi, and Garcia brought decorations, and Dave made breakfast…" she trailed off, giving me a helpless look. I could tell she was worried that I'd be upset, but at the same time she was so happy. Her eyes were gleaming and glittering much like the tinsel strung up around the room, and she was barely restraining an ear-to-ear smile. This was Christmas with the family, this was what JJ'd always had and what I'd always wished for. Upon facing those facts, it was impossible to be mad at her, and despite my flawless façade, a giddy JJ was my ultimate kryptonite.

"It's great! Is it possible for you to hold off the crowds for a few minutes while I change into something more party-appropriate? And save me some pancakes?" I asked, watching JJ burst out into a delighted giggle before pressing a soft peck to my lips.

"You got it!" she was practically skipping as she rejoined the party, and I allowed an easygoing smile to cross my face. My girlfriend's enthusiasm was contagious. I picked out a sharp-looking yet comfy pair of dark-washed jeans, and a red sweater that looked particularly Christmassy, and threw them on before running a brush through my wavy locks, and quickly brushing my teeth. After all, since this is essentially my apartment, I should be taking part in some sort of hostess duties! I rejoined the party, where Derek met up with me.

"You are so whipped Princess." He joked, coming over to give me a hug. I blushed slightly at his comment before tugging on the brim of his Santa hat.

"And you're going to tell me that it was your choice to wear this and not PG's?" I teased, twirling the furry white pom-pom around my fingers before letting it fall back and bump his cheek.

"Hey, hey, don't knock the Santa hat!" he insisted, our conversation being cut short by the arrival of the aforementioned technical analyst.

"Is she insulting my fashion sense?" she piped up, feigning insult at the thought. "C'mon sugarplum, enjoy the party! Take in some holiday cheer!" the bubbly woman lifted a mug with unknown contents and I groaned.  
"Garcia isn't it a little early to be drinking 'holiday cheer'?" that semi-joking comment earned me an eye-roll of massive proportions.

"FYI it's hot chocolate sweet pea, the fancy gourmet stuff made especially by our resident chef David Rossi!" she announced with a flourish of her hand, causing the older man to take a theatrical bow, and a smattering of clapping and cheering rose from the assembled crowd. I made my way over to my small kitchen, which the older profiler had taken over and turned into a pancake factory. He smiled widely as I made my way over.

"Merry Christmas Emily! Buon Natale!" he greeted, in both English and Italian, wrapping me in a friendly hug.

"Buon Natale Dave! Thank you for going to all this trouble!" I gestured to all the happy and fed party guests.

"No problem kiddo, I'll help in any way I can! Plus it's Garcia who brought all the supplies and decorations!" I picked up my breakfast and I scanned the room, noting the unfamiliar tinsel garnishing the walls, the festive stockings with everyone's names embroidered at the top which crowded around my mantel, the twinkling rainbow lights that prettied up my otherwise barren bookshelves, and even the three-foot tall Christmas tree that sat upon my coffee table, the faux-greenery nearly hidden beneath a layer glass balls and ornaments. I picked a spot on the couch beside JJ to eat, snuggling up beside my loved one.

"I have to admit, I am enjoying the whole Christmas extravaganza party, I can see why you like it so much!" this comment earned me a wide, sunny smile and another kiss on the cheek from the overjoyed blonde.

"Yeah, it almost reminds me of Christmas with my family. Although the pink tinsel is certainly an original touch. She commented happily, completely maxed-out on the Christmas bliss.

"Tegan sure seems happy." I added, watching her and Poppy dance around the room with Jack in between them, the little boy shrieking with laughter as he was lifted above their heads. A few words were exchanged between the two adults, and Jack pointed a pudgy finger skywards at the mistletoe hanging right above them.

"Hey… wait a minute, that's not mistletoe…" Poppy trailed off, earning confused looks from both Jack and Tegan.

"Den what is it?" the young blonde asked.

"It's tickle-toe!" the red-head cried gleefully, tickling the little boy's round tummy until the whole room was filled with his infectious giggles.

"Twee-gan help me!" Jack cried, and seconds later the brunette swept him into her arms. The two of them began plotting their revenge against Poppy, who quickly bolted, laughing all the way, from the tickling fingers of my daughter and the little boy.

"Okay everyone, time to decorate gingerbread men!" Garcia announced, distracting the youngster from his tickle-revenge plot, and causing him to drag the two young women over to the table covered in cookies, icing bags, and candies galore.

"Oh my, sugar, exactly what they need." Hotch good-naturedly groaned while keeping an eye on his son. It was nice to see the strait-laced profiler in a family element, acting relaxed and cheerful with his wife and son. It was maybe just a little hard to recognize him without his suit and stern expression. I took JJ's hand and led her over to the cookie decorating table.

"C'mon, let's go have fun!" I announced. It was hilarious to help decorating the cookies, most of the people in attendance, adults and children alike, ended up wearing more icing than what ended up on the cookies, and Jack's gingerbread man was missing an arm and a leg after the toddler got a little hungry. But it all managed to calm down once Santa Morgan began distributing presents at the small Christmas tree. Somehow on my way over there though, JJ and I ended up caught beneath the mistletoe. I flashed the blonde, who currently had a small smear of icing on her upper lip, a cheeky smile before pulling her in for a deep kiss. Something about the sweetness of the icing and the tingling cheer in the atmosphere made this kiss different than others, and I found myself beginning to lose myself in the sweet feeling of JJ's lips and tongue moving against my own. We broke apart only when we began hearing the whistles and clinking of glasses from our colleagues, as well as the excited squeal that came from Pen, whom had just taken a photo of us.

"Garcia if that ends up being our new screensaver…" Jennifer playfully threatened.

"I wouldn't dream of it sunshine! Material this good is going on the front of our first official BAU Christmas card!" she chirped, causing both JJ and I to blush bright red, while the rest of the group laughed at her coquettish expression. We all gathered around the Christmas tree to catch the tail end of the present unwrapping, where a very sugar-hyper Jack babbled to his dad about the new Transformers toy he'd just discovered. Somewhere amidst the mayhem an impromptu Christmas-carol-dancing competition broke out between Tegan and Poppy, and Derek and Penelope, both pairs seemingly aiming to find the weirdest dance moves possible. Of course photos of that were taken, especially once Hotch and Haley joined in, letting loose in ways we had never known our boss could, while Jack spun around on Rossi's shoulders. JJ was giggling as we swayed along together, guiding me into a spin. It was only out of the corner of my eye, did I see Tegan and Poppy sashay right beneath the mistletoe unexpectedly, and I caught a fleeting glimpse of a kiss before the two girls were back out on the dance floor, bantering teasingly about the seemingly random topic of how Poppy's hair clashed with Santa hats. I shrugged it off as two friends taking part in a weird Christmas tradition, and continued dancing with Jennifer. Apparently the next mistletoe victim was Spencer, because he was ranting about the obscure beginnings of the custom,

"The tradition is believed to be Scandinavian in origin, and is first described in 1820 by-" he was cut off as Penelope leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek, leaving a big red lipstick mark and a blushing genius, much to everyone's amusement. Eventually the party wound down, and the profilers, plus Haley, were all cleaning up the kitchen while chatting. Hotch silently gestured for JJ and I to follow him, so we headed into the family room to take in the adorable sight.

"I think we exhausted them." He whispered. Curled up on the couch together, were Tegan and Poppy, with a snoozing Jack tucked in between the two. We snapped a quick photo, at Penelope's request, before Hotch picked up his comatose son, and him and Haley headed out, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. After that, Dave left, then Spence, and finally Derek and Penelope, leaving behind only a few decorations for us to keep. Finally the house was quiet, the tree lights casting colorful shadows through the otherwise tidy space. If it wasn't for the two young women passed out on the couch, I would be hard-pressed to believe we ever had a party.

"JJ, can you grab a blanket for Poppy? Today was pretty eventful, and I'd feel awful waking her up just to kick her out." I was faced with the challenge of disentangling my daughter and the red-head, whom had somehow snuggled into each other while asleep. But in a minute or so I had my child in my arms, and was carrying her to her room. She felt heavier, which was a good thing, she was healing. Gone were the days of the lifeless, skin-and-bones girl who just faded into the background. She had a family now, and a home, and somewhere along the way, she found herself a vibrant spirit. Maternally, I tucked her in, and laid a kiss to her forehead, before checking on Poppy who was snoozing on the couch. I ran into JJ in the main room, and the blonde cast her eyes upwards. The mistletoe still hung there, one of the few reminders that the Christmas party wasn't all a dream. This kiss, which I was swept into by the slightly-tired blonde, was different than before, more intimate, slower, more personal. This time we only pulled away from lack of oxygen, and at that point the shorter woman gave a cute little yawn. I was just about to escort her to bed, when her arms around my neck stopped me.

"Merry first Christmas together Em." She smiled sleepily.

"Merry first Christmas together Jennifer." I replied, kissing her softly before guiding her to bed.

**A/N awww! I couldn't resist throwing in a super-fluffy chapter, consider it my Christmas gift to you! Once again, I want to wish you all and your families a very merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, (depending on your religious affiliation I suppose) and after this I will be back on track with the rest of the story!**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N thank you for all your amazing reviews and holiday wishes, they were the best Christmas present I could have asked for! Keep reading, and keep enjoying, I'm still amazed so many people are reading this story! I'm terribly sorry for the humongous delay, but I've been bombarded by school projects, like, if I wasn't sleeping or eating for the past two weeks, then I was either speech-writing, or analyzing texts, plus I've got exams breathing down the back of my neck as well! So I may not be able to update as frequently now, at least until the whole exam-craziness is over!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Two

"Come on my lovelies! The city waits for no one, not even Penny G and her pair of Sapphic sweethearts!" Penelope urged as JJ and I as we scrambled about the apartment to prepare for a very overdue girls night out.

"This was something we should have foreseen before we decided to tell her about us." I muttered under my breath, so only JJ could hear. I knew that the blonde knew I was joking when I complained about our tech analyst's many nicknames for us, therefore I could get away with it.

"Hey, there are only so many words for gay that she can come up with, eventually she'll have to start recycling nicknames." JJ chuckled, her cheeks glowing a rosy pink as she finally finished washing the dishes from our earlier lunch. Pen was still standing at the door, squirming impatiently like a little kid told to sit still.

"Come on you two! Enough with the lovey-eyes from across the soapy sink, the stores don't stay open forever and I've got a credit card aching for some exercise!" she groaned, and JJ simply sighed.

"Okay, gimme a minute to get dressed into something more shopping-chic, and then we'll get going!" she placated the bubbly blonde, before darting over to where her suitcase lay randomly on the floor, rifling through the clothing before finding a blouse to replace the casual t-shirt. Without warning, and quite cruelly, she shucked the t-shirt over her head and threw the blouse on, giving me a fleeting glance of a midnight purple bra that stood out vibrantly from her honeyed, rich skin. At that point, all I could do was remind myself that we had a guest, as that was the only thing that was keeping me from crossing the room in confident strides and reminding myself exactly how addictively sweet that skin tasted.

"Um, my dear Jayje, I believe you're torturing Princess here." Pen teased lightly, causing a devilish smile to grace her features.

"Well Miss Prentiss, like what you see?" JJ asked flirtily, quirking her eyebrow slightly. Something about the way that her sapphire eyes raked up and down my figure caused my stomach to flip in anticipation.

"Earth to Em!" Penelope yelled, causing me to immediately snap out of it, and suddenly regain all my mental faculties such as blinking and coherent thinking.

"Okay we're going!" I assented, grabbing my purse and rushing for the door. We drove to the downtown core, and with a precision that could only be executed by two FBI agents and their computer analyst, we began to systematically hit all our favorite boutiques one-by-one.

"Ooooh Jayje look!" Garcia squealed at ear-shattering decibel levels as something printed in lime-green leopard print in a store window caught her eye. We were both dragged into the store by the quirky tech, who was immediately enthralled by the variety of colors and prints. I zoned out a bit during the conversation, feeling oddly spacey for some reason today. I'm not even sure why, there was just something about the air today that seemed a bit foreboding and contemplative.

"… Why wouldn't our darling Em just look dashing in a dress?" huh? Okay, now they've got my attention!

"What?" I asked as if they had just spoken to me in a foreign language. And besides, this is one of the languages I haven't been gifted enough to learn fluently, Girly-Girl.

"Garcia's right Em, I've never seen you even wear a skirt to work!"

"Of course I'm right! Now, we both know that your style's more of the butch-ass-kicking-chic, but I believe that it's due time we've seen you all dolled up!" Garcia chirped excitedly, grabbing dresses at random, all of which inspired dread in the pit of my stomach as they all appeared to be my size.

"Okay, someone needs to cut her off, the caffeine's going to her head!" I could swear that Pen was a blur rushing into the change rooms!

"There are a few things in life you can never have enough of, caffeine's numero uno on that list!" she called from inside the dressing room, obviously already throwing herself into the shopping and trying-on of items wholeheartedly.

"I'm not getting out of this am I?" I whined to JJ. Like, in all seriousness, I'm pretty sure the last time I wore a dress was my grandfather's funeral, and I was nine years old then and unable to convince my obstinate mother otherwise.

"No chance. C'mon, it'll be fun." JJ urged, leaning in to give me a fleeting kiss on my nose, before placing one that lingered ever-so-slightly on my lips, causing me to close my eyes in bliss. The simple contact made me feel alive, flooding my limbs with a heat that I had barely supressed earlier, before we left the house.

"Fine, you know I can't argue with that." I relented. I backed into the change room alone, left to face the pile of dresses Pen had accumulated. I was wary, as if the fabric would jump up and strangle me or something.

"Yay!" Garcia crowed from the other stall. "So where is the Mini-Prentiss today? I'm feeling deprived of my Tee-Time!" I rolled my eyes at Garcia's dramatics, as well as the peculiar nickname-thingy my daughter had apparently earned.

"She's out with her friend Poppy today. They said something about a movie marathon afternoon?" I couldn't help missing her, after all, our relationship had somewhat improved, and it left me with an undying will to spend more time with my adult daughter. After all, I had already missed out on so much.

"Aww! They're having a girls day too! They spend so much time with each other, it's sweet! I'd swear sometimes they're so close they could be dating!" she replied, and I couldn't help thinking back to the snippet of a kiss between the two that I'd seen at Christmas.

"I suppose it's a good thing. Sometimes it seems like Poppy's another member of the family, which is weird because I actually don't know much about her at all." I pondered that as I tried to pick the least offensive garment from the pile. Is it bad parenting to let your daughter hang out with a girl whom she'd met in the psychiatric ward? Is it bad parenting to not know why said girl was placed in the psychiatric ward in the first place? Maybe I'll ask Hotch, he is the super-parent after all…

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I have done some looking…" Garcia admitted.

"You've not only tracked JJ's phone, or spied on me through the elevator security cameras, but you've also researched Tegan's friends? Pen, this is starting to cross the line into the realm of creepy and stalkerish."

"Oh pish-posh! How else am I supposed to gather information! Anyway? Do you want to hear the dirt or not?" Hmm… on one hand, I'd be meddling with both Tegan's and Poppy's privacy, but on the other hand, that nagging question that's been plaguing me for weeks would be answered.

"Fine, tell me something good Baby-girl!" I replied, doing my best Morgan impression.

"Well, what I've got is a big load of nada. I can't find many records on her or her family besides a couple old immigration papers, no that British accent of hers isn't a fake! Then the next thing I found was the papers admitting her to the hospital about two months before Tegan went. Now, I cross-checked those dates with-"

"Okay, fine, that's enough, as long as she's not an axe murderer or something. We run into those way too often." I groaned as I struggled to do the zipper up on the back of the dress. This is one of the many reasons I've never liked them, you never have to struggle like an idiot for fifteen minutes to put on a pair of pants and a shirt.

"Okay Garcia, can I come out and show this to you so I can put an end to my torture!" I groaned, finally managing to fasten the back before slipping my feet into the black patent leather heels she'd chosen to match. I was certain that her response was lost somewhere in the deafening "EEEK!" she emitted, and I stumbled out of the dressing room into the hallway. Garcia, decked out in a sky blue floral number with fuchsia accents, peered out of her dressing room to get a peek.

"Oh. Em. Gee! And in that case, I mean oh-EM-gee! You look fierce Sweet Pea!"

"I feel like a Barbie doll." I groaned in response. Yes, I suppose I was being overdramatic. Of course I would never admit to this, but I actually looked good. The unfamiliar creature who stared back at me in the mirror was wearing a tight red dress, with this edgy black pattern, skinny little straps, and a hemline that stopped just above her knees, making her legs seem unnaturally long and lean. Something about dress was semi-flattering, even if I thought it to be way too short, or low-cut, or tight, or all around uncomfortable to ever buy.

"Well you look gorgeous, I need to grab my camera to document this amazing feat!" she whirled around and slammed the door shut inadvertently, going to rifle through her huge purse. Out of nowhere, or maybe my discomfort just distracted me sufficiently, I felt bare arms wrap around my waist and pin me against the mirror.

"You have no idea how unbelievably sexy you look in that dress." Jennifer growled hungrily, standing back to check me out while I did the same to her, my eyes lingering upon the strapless, rich, teal colored dress she wore that managed to cling to every one of her heavenly curves, as well as bringing out the vibrant blue of her irises.

"Mmm… keep this up and I may get the idea…" I moaned as her lips attacked mine ferally, tongue teasing the heated flesh before forcing its way into my mouth, while her hands roamed from my waist to gently caress the outer curves of my breasts before moving southward, past my waist, over the toned muscles of my ass, before finally taking their place on my upper thighs, inching the dress fabric slightly higher up my legs. The sensations wracking my body were so potent, they should be illegal, and, with my hands woven into her wavy blonde locks, I kept her lips upon mine, only allowing a brief snatch of oxygen. Jennifer had hiked the dress up so high on my thighs that the tips of her fingers were grazing the hem of my panties, and she was holding me up against a wall and a small bench-thing, since I suddenly had my legs wrapped around her waist. Her velvety tongue stroked the length of mine, causing me to emit an ear-splitting moan just as Garcia returned, camera in hand.

"Geez, you two are like horny teenagers, I leave you alone for two seconds and you're practically having sex in the dressing room!" she groaned as if we were exasperating toddlers who kept making a mess, and not the fully grown and semi-indecent women we were in that instant. We slowly stepped apart, subconsciously fixing our clothes before returning to our dressing rooms to change back into normal clothes, both JJ and I wearing smug smiles. Once we were finally back in our street clothes and back out on the town, Penelope insisted on stopping off at a little café on the street corner to grab a snack and more coffee, all the while prattling on about how she is never putting me in a dress again.

"… I swear, you two arrested for public indecency! I now see why Emily sticks to the pantsuits…" we had finally ordered and sat down, JJ and I holding hands as we desperately tried to both change the subject, and persuade Garcia not to use this gossip to sell us out, when suddenly, my phone rang.

"Cases come through you, right Sunshine?" Garcia asked JJ, who nodded her reply.

"Usually yes, so I doubt it's the office…" I fished my phone from my belt and answered it, not recognizing the number as Hotch's either.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively, unsure of what to expect from the caller.

"Emily, it's your mother speaking. I'm passing through DC for business over the weekend, and I wondered if I could stop by? After this I have an assignment in Dubai for five months, so this is really the only convenient time." She cut right to the chase of course, just like Mother always does. Mother… Oh my God Mother's visiting? She's visiting and all of a sudden she'll come and see me raising my twenty-two year old daughter whom she had already put up for adoption! She'll find out that I'm in a relationship with a woman! With one of my colleagues nonetheless!

"Emily? I can understand if you're busy, but I contacted your Unit Chief, who said your team wasn't on rotation for any major cases, so I figured now was the most convenient time to drop by. I just called to give you a heads up, I'm afraid I have to go though, I'm getting a call on the other line. Goodbye." Her distinguished, elegant voice cut off by the monotonous dial tone, and suddenly a flurry of activity exploded behind my eyes. I highly doubt she'll approve, I mean she's the one who filed for the adoption in the first place! Oh God what happens when Tegan meets her and finds that out? And how will she react to JJ? She's never been the most open minded woman, and with the Tegan thing just barely healing, JJ doesn't need another excuse to feel alienated from our family! She couldn't do anything right? She can't make me quit my job, or my girlfriend, or give up my daughter, can she? I mean, how would she react? The only thing I can hear her saying is the words "Disappointment" and "Disgrace" circling my head like a tornado! And what if-

"Emily? Who was on the phone?" JJ queried, her worry for me displayed clearly across my face as she held my hand and stroked my kneecap gently with the thumb of the hand that rested comfortably there. I was terrified to admit those six words, because I may as well be admitting that my world is self-destructing. Somewhere over the whirr of thoughts I managed to force out of my leaden lips.

"My Mother. She wants to visit me."

**A/N Dun-dun-duuun! ****I knew I had to tell her Mother eventually! **


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N not much to say here folks, just enjoy the chapter!**

**-Nightshade**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Three

"Your mother?!" Pen and JJ echoed as soon as I had told them, both faces displaying mixed portions of shock and fear. I on the other hand, was frozen; as I mentally scrambled to find some magical elixir that would make this all disappear. I nodded in affirmation, my head solemnly bobbing up and down without me really realizing. The other two took this as a natural end to our outing, and began to pack up. Garcia insisted on paying for lunch, insisting that she absolutely had to go and casually flirt with the hot guy at the counter, but at one look in her eyes, I could tell she had her ulterior motive. She was hoping that if given a little space, JJ might be able to calm me down sufficiently so I was no longer walking around like a zombie, with my eyes dully winking like cold, black marbles. The blonde managed to coax me out of the small coffee shop, the enclosed walls of which had suddenly become uncomfortably claustrophobic, and onto the sidewalk. I could feel my breath coming in short snatches and gasps, my lungs weakly contracting, forcing air from them prematurely as I started to hyperventilate. JJ's hands were rubbing my shoulders and back, trying to calm me down. I simply stared ahead, watching the people rushing past, too busy in their daily lives to take notice of a woman having a panic attack on the edge of the street.

"What are you doing?" Jen asked, after taking in my vacant stare for almost a minute.

"Scanning the passers-by to see if any of them could pass as me for a weekend." I lamely joked, hoping to break the terse air about her. JJ simply shrugged at this, not bothering to comment on my use of humour as yet another defense mechanism. She simply just tightened her hold on my waist and herded me over to the waiting car where Penelope sat. The drive back home was impossibly quiet; the only audible sound was the whirring of my mind as I furiously tried to get myself out of this.

"Hey." JJ interjected softly, placing her hand in mine.

""What?" I asked, pulling myself back into reality, trying to focus my mental energy on Jennifer's voice and face.

"You need to calm down. You knew this was coming eventually. You knew you'd have to tell your mother eventually. You knew that you'd have to face the truth. I know you Emily, and I know that a part of you already knew that, and a small part of your mind is already prepared for that. You just need to find that little part and stop letting the rest of you overrule it." she commanded in a firm and soft voice, like satin over steel, that soft whisper that carried the force of every bit of tenacity she had.

"All this time with you and Tegan though, it's been like a dream. One completely painful, heart-rending, self-revealing, healing, transforming dream that I never planned on waking up from. I don't want to wake up and lose it all." I mumbled, avoiding her gaze like a chastised little child. JJ's lips parted as if to say something more, but she shot a brief glance at Pen in the front seat and closed them. A conversation for another time. The tech goddess, bless her soul, was thankfully not trying to get involved in the problem, and kept her mouth shut respectfully. Now, there was no telling how long this discretionary period would last. Probably just as long as this car trip would, because I was certain that we'd either be hounded with phone calls later, or most definitely accosted as soon as we went to work the next day. We were let off at the base of our apartment building. Our apartment building. When did all this become ours? When did the lines between the confusing, topsy-turvy relationship we kept up become so blurred that suddenly you can't tell the difference between the two lives? When did I stop bothering to sort the laundry, because half the time I forget whether a blouse or a pair of socks is mine or hers? When did all this happen, did I suddenly wake up and find myself with a daughter and a love of my life? And if all this happened so suddenly, what's to say that it couldn't be taken away just as promptly?

"Emily?" JJ asked, and I was snapped out of my thoughts to find myself sitting on the couch in our living room. How did we even get in here? Oh right, JJ's got a key now as well. A key to my house and a key to my heart.

"Sorry, lost in thought there for a second." I blushed, hiding my gaze from hers once again. Two slender fingers lit beneath my chin, gently obliging me to face her head on.

"You are not losing anything here. Not me, not Tegan. Have you forgotten that you're no longer a child Em? You no longer have to work to please your parents all the time. You don't have to be the perfect daughter anymore. You don't have to do any of that anymore. You do have to be yourself though. You do have to stand up for what you believe in and what you live for. And you do have to be able to take it on faith that your mother will still accept you. But that's all you have to do, and nothing more." She cast a fleeting glance about the apartment, noticing that it was still empty.

"Just relax, I'm going to call Tegan and let her know that she should cut her girls day with Poppy short." JJ got up, the slight bit of comfort I was able to derive from her presence following her as well, leaving me unprotected and scared as well. But the impact of her words still throbbed a bit, a poignant bit of information to mull over. All I've ever been is Emily Prentiss, daughter of Elizabeth Prentiss the universally-respected ambassador. Would she even recognize me as just Emily Prentiss? The mother, the lesbian, the person? How much could your own child change without you even recognizing? How does someone so intrinsically close to you become so different that you no longer recognize them? The questions continued to circulate in my mind, causing my eyes to water as I searched for answers that couldn't be found.

"She'll be over in fifteen minutes, so we'll need to get ourselves under control before then, because she sounded pretty freaked out as well-Emily you're crying." She stated, immediately kneeling in front of me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders, forming a little bubble of safety in which I could speak my mind.

"How much of Tegan's life did I end up missing out on? How many phases or changes was I not there to experience along with her? I swore to myself, a long time ago, that if I ever managed to settle down and have a family, that I'd never be the same as my mother was to me, but nothing changed. She was distant with me, now I'm distant with my daughter." I ranted tearfully, getting the leaden words off of my chest so I could breathe once more. JJ stared deeply into me, a small sparkle in her empathetic azure eyes as she took in all the darkness I was glad to get rid of.

"But you're trying, and you haven't missed everything. You were there with her through her withdrawal symptoms, you were there with her as she ran away out of fear, you were there when she had nightmares, and you were there for her as she recovered from her sui-incident. You've helped her leave behind a poisonous, destructive lifestyle, and you've surrounded her with family." She let that hang in the emotionally charged air for a second before interjecting.

"Jack's been asking if she can take him to the park with Poppy, the new one off of Rushgrove Street, with the twirly slide and the extra-fast swings." I looked up at her with confusion as she threw in this random tidbit of information. Jennifer just gave me a knowing look before continuing.

"Dave mentioned she was interested in learning how to cook, and he offered to teach her some of the basics one weekend. Penelope cleared off a spot on her desk, and she even bought another chair, and it now sits right next to hers in her lair, except it has a little bedazzled sign on the back designating it as "Tegan's Seat". I overheard Derek planning to get a table for eight for our next big Super Bowl party, eight people, not seven. And I intend on converting her into a Redskins fan before said party. Even Reid was talking about how he's no longer the youngest one in our BAU family. Family Em. She's got a family now. She never had a family before. You gave that to her. Sure, you may have missed some things, but you've definitely been making up for lost time." Despite all that she'd told me, my tears were still managing to sneak out from under my lids, and I caught a glimpse of that hallmark twinkle in the blonde's eyes.

"Why do you keep giving me that look?" I sniffled briefly, wiping my damp cheeks off as I watched the unmistakable shimmer of happiness settle upon Jen's face. Okay, I may be a stranger to this whole sharing emotions thing, but as far as I know, happiness doesn't normally fit into tearstained confessions. JJ took my hands in her slender, warm ones, causing a calm shudder to run through my body as she wreathed me in her happy, heart-swelling gaze.

"Because a few weeks ago, you never would have told me all this. You would have compartmentalized this all away, and walked around like you had a time bomb where your heart was supposed to be, and you would have driven me insane. But now you're here telling me all this, and trusting me, and letting me into your heart. As worried and scared as you are now, I can't be anything but happy, because you're letting me in." the look on her face was one of pure jubilation, like a kid able to finally open that hallowed Christmas present, but a feeling less ephemeral. Like an adventurer discovering the greatest treasure history had to offer. I couldn't stop the smile that parted my tears and lit up my eyes at her statement, all my previous worries temporarily forgotten. Taking advantage of our already close position, I tugged her forward into a sweet kiss, one void of demands and hunger, instead focusing on healing, on sharing a love too indescribable for words. Jennifer's lips curved upwards into a smile against mine, when suddenly the door to the apartment was tossed open. Tegan stormed in, looking a lot like I'd imagine I looked like a few minutes ago. She fixed us with a wounded look, stopping in her tracks. I stood up first, walking over to where she stood, trembling. As I opened my mouth to talk she put up her hand, palm flat and fingers splayed as a sign to stop. As if that one gesture would somehow hold back the tsunami-worth of feelings she was up against.

"I don't want to see her." She gritted out, staring across the room, looking through me almost.

"Tegan, it's not like I can hide you from her. Trust me, if there was a way to avoid all this, I'd have found it, but we both have to face this."

"I don't want to though. I don't want to see her now. I never want to see her at all." She obstinately retaliated, bouncing on her one foot nervously, like a cornered wild animal. JJ had seemingly disappeared, which wasn't very comforting, but I suppose she figured we would work our mutual avoidance issues out together.

"I have to though, we have to." I doubted that she even heard me speak, her eyes were shut at this point, and she was shaking her head violently.

"No." she muttered under her breath, her leg still bouncing at a fever pitch as she stumbled back one step, as if she had been physically slapped. I was just about to take one step forward to meet her, but she had already taken two more away. Before I was even aware of it, she bolted out the door. Of course, when she felt cornered, whereas I retreated within my mind, she ran. I was immediately running after her, thanking the FBI for all those gruelling physical challenges I had to complete to be deemed fit for duty, because I wouldn't be able to keep pace with Tegan without it. I had to admit, for a former addict, she sure could sprint. She darted out of the building and onto the sidewalk, weaving in and out of shoppers, dog-walkers, and politicians and businesspeople, wearing polished suits and talking into earpieces. And just like that I thought I had lost her. I was running in the direction I'd thought she'd taken, my heart pounding in my chest and throbbing in the back of my skull, searching vainly for the slightest glimpse of ebony hair with silver tips, as I kept pushing my way through the crowds, sifting through all the visual noise in the hope of finding her. A Labrador's leash caught my ankle, sending me flying to the ground, causing an angry flare of pain in my hands as I caught my fall and a familiar sting at my old surgical scar. But as I fell, I caught a hint of movement in the darkened alley between two buildings, and before a crowd could even gather to catch a glimpse of the running madwoman, I zipped into the shadows. I finally slowed up, feeling an unfamiliar burning in my lungs, legs, and side, as I took in what used to be a sanctuary for my daughter. Something about my shoes echoing against the crumbling pavement, or the earthy, damp scent of this place sent shivers up my spine. I was just about to fall to my knees and let the panic of losing my child take over, when I heard a whimper coming from underneath a derelict awning.

"Tegan!" I sighed in relief, immediately making my way over to where she sat, curled up, her face pinched in pain and exertion. Her silvery eyes were filled with tears, as her breathing uncomfortably hitched from all the running. I had barely knelt down in front of her before she blurted out,

"I don't want to face the woman who nearly killed me before I could even live! I don't want to face the woman who put me in those awful homes! I don't want to face the woman who ruined my life Mom!" she cried plaintively, and I hugged her to my chest, letting her tears stain my shirt, just happy I hadn't lost her.

"I know sweetie, I know. She made a mistake back then, which is something that she's going to have a hard time facing. I know that it's too much to ask of you to forgive her at this point, but she made a mistake, a big mistake. We've all made them, we're all human." I rubbed her back, the fact that she called me Mom earlier not at all lost on me.

"I wasn't yours was I? I mean, I wasn't your big mistake right?" we'd broached this topic before, but now it was different. Tegan wasn't using it as a challenge or an accusation, but because she needed the affirmation.

"Tegan. You're the one thing I've done in my whole life that I somehow haven't managed to completely mess up. You're the one thing I've ever made that is absolutely perfect. Out of all the things I've done in my life, all the lives I've saved, all the bad people I've stopped, all the families I've comforted, all the awards and accolades I'll ever receive, you are the thing I'm most proud of." I couldn't help feeling an overwhelming feeling of rightness in that moment, despite the fact that I was out of breath, in pain, and my knees were damp from kneeling on the wet alley pavement. This was something I'd been missing my whole life, the moment where I finally got to tell my daughter how important she was to me.

"Why would you be proud of me?" she asked, driving a stake through my heart as soon as I heard the self-hatred in her voice. I did to her just as JJ did to me, and tilted her chin up so she had to look me in the eyes.

"Because you're beautiful, because you're kind, because you're a fighter, because you're resilient and tenacious and funny and smart and quirky and because you somehow manage to be sullen and gloomy yet still charm everyone around you. Because you're hard-headed and witty and vibrant and tough and because you're mine." She engulfed me in a hug before I could even finish, taking me by surprise with her openness. Just at that moment, JJ came running around the corner into the alley, slightly out of breath.

"You've been letting yourself go a bit there Jareau." I commented with a lopsided smile, watching as the blonde's expression of horror immediately morphed into happiness and ease.

"Hey, not everyone's a marathon runner. Talk to me after we've had a shooting competition." She shot back teasingly, and I immediately backed down. After all, no one in the FBI building ever messed with Jennifer "Bull's-eye" Jareau when it came to target practice.

"Excuse me Miss-" a young beat cop rounded the corner as well, probably having heard about our little sprint down the main street, and my delicate face-plant onto the sidewalk.

"FBI!" JJ and I flashed our badges in unison, watching as the young cop stared at us in confusion, but backed down like a kicked dog, muttering something under his breath about stupid federal agents. We were left in the alley alone again, just JJ, Tegan and I.

"C'mon you two, enough excitement for one day." Jennifer beckoned, and I got up, hugging Tegan to my side. I had a renewed feeling of family, and something told me that even if this meeting with The Ambassador was a complete failure, we'd get past it.

"Alright, let's go home. And Tegan, no more running, okay?" I asked, an unspoken pact between us forged as she nodded into my side. No more running and no more hiding, two things that we were excellent at, but two things that separated us. Without that, maybe we could actually begin to heal; maybe I wouldn't turn into my mother after all.

**A/N Wow that chap's a lot longer than I expected! I may not be able to update too much sooner, I still have a boatload of exams to study for, but there will be a new update as soon as possible! Review please?**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N sorry for the wait guys, but my muse here refuses to stick to one idea at a time! I finished Scars and Souvenirs, and I've already got two other ideas rushing in to take its place! It took a few days of planning, plus writing two chapters of a new fic to get the idea off my chest, and finally I can return to this one! Hope you enjoy it, I apologize for the fact that this chap wasn't exactly as planned in that the official meeding of the mother doesn't really happen here, but don't fret my pets! (As Garcia would say) I've got the next chap already half-written, and I plan on posting that one ASAP without compromising on both plot and grammar quality by rushing it, and without completely screwing with my circadian rhythm, as it's so late at night, it's early!**

**-Nightshade**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Four

_Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…_ the clock on the wall stared at me with its blank, wide, unblinking eye, each movement of the hands evoking the mechanical equivalent of a frustrated "tsk-tsk". Tegan was pacing the floor in front of me, occasionally stopping to stare blankly at the door, like a wanderer in a foreign land, reading the same street sign over and over again. JJ was alternating between rubbing my shoulders in soothing little motions, and asking Tegan the same set of questions over and over.

"Sweetie do you want to sit down?" she offered, restarting the cycle.

"No."

"Do you want something to drink?" JJ fluffed the pillows on the couch and readjusted the throw blanket. Again.

"Whiskey?" Tegan flicked a humorous glance up at the two of us, the small smile that tweaked at her lips looking uncomfortable and forced.

"Only if I can get some too." I joked back at her. The humor simply seemed too forced though, tight and uncomfortable and fake. All it did was deny the fact that we were all nervous as heck.

"Well, as much as I'd love for everyone to loosen up, I doubt that getting drunk is going to help this situation." JJ commented, cracking another weak smile as she returned to her spot beside me and began to rub my shoulders nervously once again. We fell back into silence, and I spent a good five minutes staring at the mesmerizing patterns of dust motes whirling through the air, before moving on to tracing the whorls and swoops of the wood grain of the floor with my eyes.

"It's creepy quiet in here." I whispered. It sounded intensely lame by way of conversation, but I felt like I had to say it. Something about commenting on the silence only made it seem more prevalent, thick and cloying and filled with tension. An electronic beep sliced the quiet, and JJ leapt up as if she'd been palpably shocked.

"I-I'll get it." she stuttered, looking shaken and pale as a sheet. It suddenly dawned on me how much this was affecting her as well. She had been so busy trying to keep Tegan and I from having nervous breakdowns, that she didn't have any time to take care of herself.

"I'll be right back." I muttered quickly to Tegan, placing a soothing-or what was supposed to be soothing- hand on her shoulder before I left the room. I found my beautiful blonde sitting in the middle of our bed with her legs drawn up close to her chest, looking lost in the sea of blankets and pillows.

"Jen?" I asked calmly, kneeling upon the rumpled comforter and hugging her from behind, tucking my head into the smooth crook of her neck and letting the subtle heat of her cheek warm into mine.

"I don't like this, I don't like this at all, you and Tegan, I wish I could help you, but my being here is only making all of this worse." She murmured, the words coming out garbled and barely audible due to the fact that she still had her face buried in her knees.

"You being here is what's keeping us all together. Without you at my side, with your seemingly bottomless patience, I would never have the courage to have this discussion with my mother. I would have never had the confidence in myself that I could be a good mother to Tegan. But it's okay to say that all this stress is affecting you too, it's not fair for you to have to carry any of this tension around with you, yet feel unable to voice it." the petite blonde's entire frame shuddered in some sort of silent-yet-cathartic sob, and momentarily she shrunk into an even smaller ball, before giving a shaky exhale.

"Okay." She huffed, wiping tears from her eyes determinedly and sitting up straight. "I'm good." Her words still fell a bit short of the conviction they needed to convince me that they were the truth, but a brief flash of her deep blue eyes told me all I needed to know.

_Please Em, not now._

I nodded briefly, expressing that she'd gotten her sentiment across before pressing a firm yet nurturing kiss upon her temple, as if I could somehow drain the hurt from her if I tried hard enough.

"I'll give you a few minutes to freshen up, 'kay?" I nearly whispered, as if speaking at a level that was any louder than that would somehow shatter the glassy amber that had frozen us in time for a moment.

"'Kay." She responded, her voice equally quiet as mine, but more lackluster. She mirrored my earlier action by kissing my temple, before striding into the ensuite bathroom. I suppose now isn't the time to prod Jennifer about her emotions, especially with tensions running so high overall. I returned to the main living area to find Tegan staring around my apartment with wide, searching eyes.

"Now I see why Poppy doesn't spend a lot of time here." She murmured, mostly to herself, but loud enough that I could hear.

"Huh?" was my extremely un-eloquent response, but I was a little disconcerted now. I mean, as the daughter of a diplomat I was raised to be a good hostess. Had I somehow made the quirky girl feel unwelcome?

"Her favorite game, it's I Spy. We literally spent hours in the mall last week sitting together on the bench. I'm sure we looked like a bunch of weirdos, but something about that game, about sifting through all the chaos around her to pick out one, specific thing, she loves it, I can see it in her face. She says it's like real-life Where's Waldo, but without the weird glasses-wearing guy who insists on dressing like a candy cane. But everything here is black, white, beige, or chrome. There's no color." She mused randomly, and I sat down beside her on the couch, a hint of a smile upon my face.

"Oh c'mon, it just makes the game seem so much more sophisticated. I mean, who can look silly when being asked to spy light taupe or burnt aubergine?" I smirked jokingly, earning a matching look from my daughter.

"True, true… can we make this place a bit more home-y though? Perhaps bring in a bit more color and warmth? Make it a bit more welcoming?" a cool, calmed excitement spread through my body as I thought of the ramifications of her request. Sure, taken at face value it was just an overgrown teen griping about her surroundings, but if one read a bit deeper, that's where the true meaning was found. She wanted to make this place hers, to make it seem like the perfect home she never got to have, she wanted to nest and settle down. She wanted to stay. For most parents the idea that their adult child wanted to make living with them a more permanent arrangement was a complete nightmare, but I'm not most parents. And she's not most children. To me, this was just one tile within the intricate mosaic of our complicated relationship, one more thread in the tapestry that reminded me that she wasn't going to run away again.

"Of course. Just no knocking down of walls, and I object to any surface within this house being painted neon pink." I joked, capturing her in a rambunctious side-hug and revelling in her surprised-yet delighted squeals of laughter. I cleared my throat, preparing to address one of the more serious topics I had been meaning to discuss with her.

"Tegan, I don't mean this as an insult, or to pry in any way, shape, or form, but what exactly is Poppy's story?" I sent a fleeting prayer that my current line of questioning wouldn't send her scrambling for cover behind the famous Prentiss walls, but to my surprise her eyes remained soft.

"Mom." She had finally taken to calling me that consistently, which never ceased to delight me. "I understand where this is coming from, I really do, but this isn't my story to tell. All I can say is that she's scarred too, we both are, but that's what makes us work so well together as friends. She had a rough time with life, arguably even rougher than I had it, but she never let it take way her optimism. That's something which drew me to her immediately, and something I will always love about her. She's a good person, and she's good for me, that's all that really matters Mom. And that's all I can tell you without breaking her confidence." She finished with a little sigh, looking at me with that wide, world-weary gaze. A gaze that's seen and heard of too many awful things to ever retain its innocence. I pulled the girl into a real hug, sort of surprised at how sturdy she suddenly felt until I realized that she's always been this strong, she's had to be. I was about to reply to her little speech, when the sound of freshly-polished heels tapping our a rigid gait against my hardwood floors suddenly made itself known.

"Emily Elizabeth? Might I inquire, firstly, why you were too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to greet me at the door, and secondly, why haven't you introduced me to this guest of yours?"

**A/N Reviews just make my day! They're like little digital packages of sunshine and rainbows and happiness! Care to drop a few? :)**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N Well, here's the chapter you've all been waiting for! No more holding out. Read and review, same ol' drill as always. And thank you for all of your lovely reviews and all your continued support, when I started writing this fic, I never imagined it would get this long, but it's surprised me, and so has your overwhelming support! I couldn't have gotten this far without each and every one of you!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Five

My mother was an intimidating woman. Despite her advancing age, she still stood stiffly, embodying all the poise of a monarch, with her eternally youthful raven hair immaculately coiffed. One couldn't even find a speck of lint or dust on her perfectly tailored black suit. She stood there, in all her icy, never-changing glory, with her darkened brown eyes scanning Tegan scathingly, from her silver-tipped black hair, to the scar that was a distant reminder of an eyebrow piercing she'd once had, to her casual outfit consisting of her edgy black leather jacket, a blouse, and dark-washed jeans, barely able to keep the disapproving smirk off her face. I could just imagine the words tumbling from her mouth, criticizing me for 'the company I'm keeping these days'.

"Emily?" she beckoned, scowling unabashedly at my apparent lack of manners. I was just about to apologize when I realized the true objective behind tonight, standing up to my mother, not knuckling under.

"Mother, come sit down." I requested coldly, not even bothering to move from my spot on the couch.

"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss where are your manners? You haven't greeted me, let alone apologized for your behaviour just a few minutes ago-" her impending rant was cut off as JJ emerged from my bedroom, looking composed and as beautiful as ever. The sole blonde in the room came and stood behind where Tegan and I sat on the couch, placing one hand upon my shoulder and one hand upon Tegan's, leaning forward just a tad in a brazen show of protectiveness.

"Mother, please sit. I have some things to tell you, things that are very important." My tone was stone cold sober, and for a second my mother actually seemed worried before she took a seat on the chair opposite us.

"What's wrong?" she asked, obviously expecting the worst. I supposed that was my fault, I mean I never talked with her unless it was absolutely necessary, and it was never absolutely necessary unless something bad has happened. Therefore she must now automatically assume that me wanting to talk equalled something going bad.

"Oh, no mother, nothing's wrong at all. On the contrary, I have good news, really, really good news that has made me immeasurably happy." I reassured, leaning a bit forward to make sure I got my point across. "All I want you to keep in mind right now, is that these changes have made me happy, okay? I'm happy." I reinforced. I scooted a little closer so I could take her cold, firm, non-nurturing hands in mine. She just rolled her eyes at my dramatics before scanning the visitors once more, obviously wondering what they had to do with this announcement of mine. I noticed Tegan trying not to bite her nails, sadly one of the less-good things she apparently inherited from me. I brushed it off as a nervous tic, but my mother stared at my daughter, her granddaughter, with haunted eyes, as if she'd seen a ghost all of a sudden.

"Okay, who are these people, I demand to know." She sat back, ripping her hands from mine and destroying what I'd hoped to be a tender, emotional, Hallmark-esque moment. I gave a resigned sigh, I was no stranger with having to get things done at gunpoint, just not metaphorical gunpoint. But it would have to do.

"This is JJ and Tegan." I introduced in turn, indicating to each of my loved ones. "Mother, JJ is my girlfriend and Tegan is my daughter." The haunted look returned with a vengeance as she gaped in fixated shock for a few seconds.

"O-okay Emily. I was unaware that your life had changed so much. My, she looks just like you though, quite mature-looking for her age. And where is your husband? Why did you insist on having this friend of yours accompany you instead of the father of your child?" I sighed with resignation, she didn't get it, of course. I really was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out for her, but apparently I must.

"Mother, Jennifer is my lover. Tegan is my daughter. The daughter I had when I was fifteen." I didn't even dare look her in the eyes as I spoke, as if she was Medusa, some horrible mythological creature whose gaze could freeze me just as fast as my own fear. If it was even possible, the silence which quickly surrounded us sounded louder than ever possible. It was like white noise, cranked up to a deafening volume so loud that I couldn't even think straight. I just got lost so easily, trying to separate one frantic line of thinking from the current of thoughts whipping through my mind at a breakneck pace. It took all the focus in the word for me to even hear the sharp intake of breath my mother let out. I chanced a look at her, noting how she seemed similarly frozen. Her eyes were wider than those of a doe staring into the headlights of a car, and I had no idea what she would do. I'd never seen my mother look so… shocked. I supposed that I looked like a younger, mirror image of her, considering the fact that I was just as shocked. JJ placed an encouraging hand on my shoulder, kneading the muscles there ever so slightly in a soothing gesture, and weirdly, I felt that one touch slowly erode away at my stony posture. My mother let out a particularly ungraceful sound at the sight of it, but still refused to speak, her mouth instead hanging open as if JJ's simple action had snatched the words straight from her chest.

"I think I need to speak with you in private Emily." She said levelly, shooting pointed glances at Tegan and Jennifer. My heart sank in my chest as I thought about why she might request that from me. Is she trying to demean them by refusing to address them? Is she trying to remove any type of comfort I may find so she can tear me down? Is she simply trying to cover her own ass by getting rid of any audience out of fear of embarrassment? I've no clue. Her eyes weren't telling me anything; simply stony black pools of indecision, with the occasional muted swirl of confusion tingeing their inky depths.

"Mother…" I interjected calmly, knowing how volatile a situation I was suddenly in. As soon as Tegan caught a glimpse of my mother's scathing gazes she had clammed up, her back going ramrod-stiff and her cloud-grey eyes went glossy and cold. JJ, considering her emotional state prior to my mother's arrival, was a wild card, and my mother was about as unpredictable as a starved animal.

"You couldn't have thought of any other way to tell me this? You had to surprise me?" she hissed, leaning in and physically blocking JJ and Tegan from the conversation. I stood up, stepping back from my mother one or two feet, and gesturing for her to follow me into the kitchen.

"Mom…" Tegan pleaded softly, not wanting to be left alone. Her eyes, I could read, she was afraid. My little girl was terrified that the same woman who sent her away would harm our relationship once more. Since everything about today seemed like some sort of twisted, backwards version of Wonderland, I pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head, expressing a physically affectionate side of us which we rarely showed, before getting back up.

"I'll be right back Hon, I just need to talk to her alone for a minute." Somehow my voice remained strong and stoic despite the fact that I had no idea whether I could ever get my mother to come around. I crossed the room in five or six paces, the hollow clicking of my shoes against the flooring echoing in the eerie space. Before I could even open my mouth my mother was already in full ranting mode.

"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss what were you thinking springing all this on me? And in front of them nonetheless? Have you gone insane? I have never, ever seen you act so carelessly about your image, not to mention mine! How good is it going to look for me when my associates discover my granddaughter is bastard and her mother is romantically involved with another woman?" so this was all about her image… of course, I should be used to these lectures, we used to get them on a daily basis. If my father swung by the liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine or two it was 'we'll appear as senseless drunkards', if the roof on the house needed fixing or the lawn needed mowing it was 'it looks like we can't even care for our own belongings', if it was a poor mark on an elementary school test, it was how 'the legendary Prentiss family were raising a failure', and if I happened to speak at the table when we had guests over it was 'it'll look as if we're raising our child to become an ill-mannered ruffian'. Blowing things out of proportion was one of mother's greatest talents.

"I hadn't told you any sooner because I was afraid you would react like this!" I hissed back, trying to keep my voice below a whisper just in case. The last argument I'd been in resulted in a trip to the ER for my daughter who'd carved her arm up like mincemeat. I wasn't risking that again, ever again.

"Well how did you expect me to react? Did you expect that I'd throw a party or congratulate you, beca-" I cut her off, not really caring for propriety or decorum any more. I saw a burning glare in my mother's eyes at being interrupted, but I didn't bother letting it scathe me.

"Frankly you should be congratulating me, because I've found two things that the great and omnipotent Elizabeth Prentiss hasn't been able to find her entire life! Happiness, and family, and those two things are more important to me than my image ever could be." I shot back, trying to stand the slightest bit taller, to appear just that little more intimidating.

"I found happiness!" she snarled before deflating ever so slightly. "I found happiness when the doctors placed a little pink bundle in my weary arms, called me a mother, and told me that I had a healthy baby girl." She said softly, eyes glazing over with the transparent film of memories. One ragged breath inwards, then a second one, and my mother reluctantly dropped her eyes from my face, instead studying the flooring in great detail. The sight of it caught me a little off guard. In all the years I've known my mother, I've never even seen her loosen a button on one of her sharp, blank work blouses, let alone completely fold in upon herself. "And every time I looked at you after that, I saw that little baby. But now… I look at you and I can't even recognize you." she muttered the last sentence, finally looking me in the eyes once more, tattooing their confused, hurt stare into my retinas.

"I'm still your daughter. That never changed." I refuted, unable to take the way she looked at me anymore. The way she nearly stared right through me, like I was a stranger. She shook her head side to side, the slightest of movements, yet a thundering punch to the gut. The room around me turned acrid, the air poisonous, and I rushed back into the main room to escape it.

"Don't you dare walk away from me Emily Elizabeth!" her shrill voice causing me to whirl around in equal parts hurt and anger.

"Like you've done to me before? Like you're about to do right now?" I saw her recoil in horror at the emotions she had forced me to display. I saw in the corner of my eye, Tegan rubbing and scratching at the area which bore the crude scars she'd nearly died from a month and a half earlier. Her knuckles were white as she gripped at the old would, almost as if she was ready for it to happen all over again.

"You can't blame this on me, not when you're the one who's made the decisions here." My mother actually looked viscerally disturbed, it was an unsettling look on her, especially in the heat of such an argument.

"You're right mother. I've made the decisions here. I've made the decision to reacquaint myself with my child, I've made the decision to let someone love me, I've made the decision to do what I want to do, I've made the decision to be happy. I've made a lot of decisions, and you can't fault me for any of them." I sighed, feeling the slightest bit of confidence bubble up within my heart. I could do this, I think; I could stand up for my family. And maybe I could even make my mother accept it.

"Even if that child looks like street trash and that someone is a woman?" the words leave her tongue before she can even think them through, that's evident for sure. Especially when she let out a gasp, shocked at her own capability to hurt. Her words seemed to stab Tegan in the chest, at least that's what the breathy cry sounded like. "Emily I'm so-"

"Don't say sorry." I interjected harshly. "Not to me at least. If you're apologizing to anyone, then apologize to my daughter and my girlfriend whom you've just insulted." She seemed taken aback even further by my sudden retaliation. Some part of her looked like she was about to beg for forgiveness, and she opened her hands in a supplicating gesture.

"I'm sorry, this is just such an adjustment, and I can't- I can't…" she trailed off. She didn't need to speak for me to know what she was about to say, and it caused disappointment to well up within my gut. I tried to keep the sadness and rejection from my voice as I spoke next.

"Well then, I have to ask you to leave now, and not to come back until you can."

**A/N reviews are loved! Even more than a basket of adorable puppies (though that's probably because of my allergies) but I'm not allergic to your love, so share some?**


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N I'm so sorry for the long wait, and you guys have been awesomely patient! I've had shool projects breathing down the back of my neck, not to mention all the social angst too. God I hate school sometimes…**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own CM!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Six

My mother's disappearance threw the apartment into a turmoil, with JJ pacing the floor nervously, muttering to herself, while Tegan went catatonic and rigid upon the couch, her fingernails digging into her knees.

"Sweetie?" I asked, rubbing her shoulder slightly, hoping to shake her from this trance-like state. She still stayed frozen in her position, silver eyes dull and unseeing as they stared dumbly at the hardwood floor.

"Mommy?" her delicate voice trickled upwards, barely reaching my ears. She was so weak, trapped within her own little world. JJ was still a mumbling mess, so I came to a decision. Tonight was a complete write-off. There was no way that we were going to jump right back into our normal nightly schedule.

"C'mon, come with me." I coaxed her into a standing position before guiding her over to my bedroom and tucking her in. I didn't bother putting her in pajamas, partly because she was so unresponsive, and partly because I was just as exhausted. She collapsed straight into the mattress, looking up at me with eyes so round that her irises looked like twin full moons.

"I'll be back, I promise." I reassured, going out to collect my frazzled girlfriend. Jennifer was just standing now, shaking her head ever so slightly with silent tears developing in her cerulean blues. As soon as I stepped within the three-foot radius around where she stood, JJ seemed to go boneless, throwing her arms around my neck and pulling me tightly to her.

"I'm sorry." She croaked softly, sniffling delicately and wrinkling her nose in a way that was both endearing and heartbreaking. I was shaking my head no as soon as the words appeared in her eyes, even before they were spoken aloud, denying them.

"No Jen, you don't have to apologize at all." She nuzzled closer into my neck, the skin there soon becoming slick with tears and moisture from her heavy, ragged breathing.

"I should have done something! I should have stood up and protected you, your honor or something like that. But she came in here and started saying all those things, and it just reminded me how you and Tegan are no more my family than a stranger on the street! You're risking so much, and i- I haven't told my parents, I should be doing more." Most of her proclamation was muddled by tears, but I understood the gist of it and I shook my head fondly.

"Jennifer, I don't need you to protect my honor for me, I'm a kick-ass FBI agent remember? Of course you're our family! I mean, there wasn't some stranger on the street just now keeping our daughter calm while they themselves were under a great deal of stress. It isn't some stranger who I share coffee with every morning, and kiss goodnight every evening. Or at least I hope it isn't because that would mean I'd be cheating on one of the best people to ever enter my life." I joked feebly, managing to coax a broken chuckle from her waterlogged throat before the blonde was back to her tender sobbing. With her face still resting upon my collarbone, she snuffled once more before shakily trying to wipe at her runny nose. I'm fairly certain she was getting snot on the shoulder of my shirt, but I really didn't care. Something about the delicate spider-web-like redness of her eyes, the tears clinging heavily like sun-ripened fruit to impossibly long flaxen lashes, the adorable redness about her nose, the touching manner in which her bottom lip trembled, overruled all that. She seemed so broken, yet impossibly perfect.

"And, if and when you choose to tell your parents, I will be right next to you the whole time," I interlaced our fingers upon instinct alone before continuing.

"Holding your hand just like this." I placed a kiss on her shaky, bone-white knuckles which grasped at my own, pressing my lips to each digit, before pressing them to my heart. She gave me the cutest teary smile before resuming with her sniffling. I chuckled under my breath before dragging a nearby tissue box closer and plucking one from the box with the tips of my fingers. JJ's one hand was still incredibly shaky, tentative to move from where it was fisted in the back of my shirt, and I refused to let go of the one I had pressed against my heart, so I took the clean white tissue and dabbed at her red little nose, before wiping the worst of the tear-smudged makeup from her cheeks.

"I must look like a mess." She announced, attempting to take the tissue from me before I denied her action, content to care for her for a little while longer.

"Doesn't matter. I love you Jennifer Jareau, despite all the mess, and the crying, and the snot-stains on my shirt." JJ's cheeks lit up bright red with embarrassment, but I ignored it, placing a kiss upon her now-dry nose, before snuggling her as tight as possible.

"I love you because of your adorable blushing, because you get yourself all panicked over whether you can call Tegan your daughter as well, because you are absolutely irresistible when your nose is all red, because you are so, so snuggly." I sighed into the tight embrace to prove my point.

"And because above all, you manage to put up with all my shit and still love me back." I stroked her golden hair, resting my chin atop her head and swaying us back and forth as if there was music to dance to. This is why I fought with my mother; this is why I told her in the first place. Because of this perfectly imperfect moment and the thousands more I anticipated us sharing. It wasn't even about sex or lust, it was just simply the feeling of having such a warm, comforting soul so close to myself, and the inability to ever let it go.

"Can we talk more tomorrow?" she asked, her words muffled because she was speaking with her head pressed against the top of my breast, her lips dancing over the fabric there as she spoke.

"Of course Jen." I affirmed, rubbing my hand up and down her back and secretly counting the vertebrae in her spine as I went. Each little part of her seems so magical, so delicate, so all-consuming that I could just spend the rest of the night memorising exactly how the dip and curve of her back felt beneath my fingertips. Of course, that'd be if I didn't have my daughter lying in wait for me.

"Hon, I put Tegan to sleep in our bed, she seemed pretty shaken up." I whispered against the shell of her ear, watching intently as a few loose strands of her hair moved with my breath. She nodded, completely understanding what I actually meant. 'Pretty shaken up' was our unspoken code for 'it's really bad'. I mean, I'd never seen her so unresponsive, so childlike… it was almost like she'd regressed within herself. It was almost scary. I walked, with JJ's head on my shoulder, into my bedroom. In the dim, milky light I could see that Tegan was asleep, or at least attempting it. Jennifer noticed this as well, before linking her arm in mine and dragging me off to the side in to the ensuite bathroom before I could comment.

"Uhm, Jayje?" I asked, whispering out of the worry that I might wake the sleeping girl in the other room.

"Sorry, I just feel disgusting from all the crying, and I wanted to ask you one last thing, and you have to promise me that you'll answer me." I nodded confusedly as I grabbed a washcloth out of the adjacent drawer and ran it under the cool water from the tap. JJ moved to grab the cloth from my hands, but I simply gestured for her to sit up on the countertop. She gave an impatient huff at my persistence. 'I'm not a child' screamed her body language protesting against my caring for her, although the warmth in her eyes and slack in her jaw told me otherwise.

"Okay, what is it?" I asked, stepping in between her knees to dab at the dried tears and mussed make-up upon her smooth, pink-tinted cheekbones. The muscles in her leg twitched and tensed beneath my resting hand as she loosely wrapped her legs around my waist, hooking her ankles together behind the small of my back, and effectively trapped me in place.

"No running?" she asked, flirty with an undertone of seriousness. For a second I was caught off-guard by the tightness of her toned thighs around my waist, before I managed to respond coherently.

"I can't very well run now can I?" I murmured, staring back into her eyes, mesmerized by the reflection of my own brown irises in her watery blue ones.

"I know that right now you're going to pretend you're okay, you feel like you need to stay strong for Tegan, and for me. But this is affecting you too. When you feel okay to admit that you aren't okay, tell me. Promise?" she stared at me earnestly, taking my hands in hers. A part of me wished she wasn't holding my hands, because I seriously just wanted to hug her right now. We had come so far, especially since a month or so ago I would have shut down, JJ would have gotten frustrated, and we would have fought. Perhaps talking wasn't so bad.

"I promise. Thank you for not pushing it though." I let my eyes flutter shut delicately, feeling her lips upon mine fleetingly. Her hand trailed up my neck, freeing one of mine to wrap around her waist. She grabbed the damp washcloth I'd abandoned, and guided it up to a spot below my jaw.

"There's some of my mascara on your jaw…" she trailed off, rubbing gently until the spot was cool and damp. A few seconds later I felt her warm lips in the same spot, forcing my calm breath to catch in my throat. Upon hearing it, the blonde gave an amused chuckle, moving her ministrations a little higher up on my jawbone.

"Jenn…" I groaned, pulling her closer to my body. The way my body so eagerly responded to her attentions only served to highlight the fact that we'd been so, so busy recently. A heady, open-mouthed kiss to my neck stalled my train of thoughts and caused my knees to go weak, nearly crashing myself into the cabinets had JJ not been there holding me up. The gentlest succession of nips and bites to the spot where my pulse hammered away caused my eyelids to flutter dreamily. Everything about the woman currently working miracles upon the column of my throat was so incredibly, overwhelmingly intoxicating that I had practically forgotten about the fiasco that had occurred mere hours ago. I didn't want to ever see my family, or go to work, or even leave this bathroom, because that meant ending this weirdly perfect moment. Of course there was still the matter that my daughter was sleeping in the next room. Jennifer pulled away slightly, admiring what I supposed was a series of hickeys from the angular point of my jawbone, down to the delicate curve of my collarbone. When her eyes flickered back up to mine I couldn't miss the fact that, through the curves of her long golden lashes, her pupils were blown wide, an ocean of sultry black rimmed by the slightest ring of smoky blue possible. I practically swooned at the sight.

"Jennifer… daughter in the other room…" I moaned breathily, practically able to taste the sweet scent of lavender shampoo from her silken hair, perfectly mingled with the inexpressible perfume of her skin. The haziness in my vision cleared as I looked at the stunning woman in front of me, hair ever so slightly mussed, cheeks flushed an adorable shade of pink, all soft curves and lean, toned muscle, eyes so full of love, with the slightest tinge of pain that only made the love more blatant. How did I ever get so lucky… she is the personification of the word perfect.

"Damn, I thought when they got to be a certain age they stopped impeding upon make-out sessions…" she grumbled, her raspy voice full of faux-frustration.

"No, because that's the age when they start having their own make-out sessions." I commented dryly, unable to repress the smile when I heard JJ growl protectively under her breath. In a split second she went from flirty and happy, to serious and protective. It was almost comical how quickly the 'Mama Bear' hat was put on.

"Tegan's not allowed to date until she's fifty. The second she brings a boy home I'm showing him my extensive collection of firearms, with emphasis on the fact that I never miss." She murmured, leaning forward and pressing her forehead against mine.

"You so quickly forget that Tegan's already had life experience." I responded, trying to find a way to sugar-coat her sketchy past. How does one say that their daughter used to make a living selling herself to the first man who can put cash down for a motel room?

"Plus, I don't think you have to worry about any _boys_" I emphasized, thinking back to the weird connection between Tegan and Poppy, and the fleeting kiss I almost caught under the mistletoe at Christmas. JJ's eyes went blank as she tried to follow what I was talking about, before it dawned on her.

"No… really? Poppy?" A flaxen eyebrow quirked skyward in confusion, but I only smirked knowingly in response.

"I'm not certain, but I have a feeling… they would be kind of cute together…" I trailed off. Poppy did seem to be a good influence for Tegan, despite the fact that they met in a psychiatric ward. Does it make me an unfit parent if I'm condoning the possibility of a relationship which started in a psych ward?

"Just because you're a profiler doesn't mean you have better gaydar than the rest of us." She kissed me briefly on the nose before sitting back contently. For someone who'd spent the last half hour sitting on a countertop she looked fairly comfortable.

"Does too." I chuckled at my immature comeback. Swiftly I swept JJ up into my arms, carrying her with her legs wrapped around my waist and her arms around my shoulders, before delicately setting her on the ground. After all, it was way, way past midnight, and I think we had work tomorrow. As soon as her feet touched the ground the petite blonde let out a wide yawn.

"C'mon sleepyhead." I pulled her against my side, stretching up on my tiptoes to press a kiss to the rumpled crown of blonde atop her head. Neither of us gave pajamas a second thought, simply collapsing against the wrinkled sheets as delicately as possible.

"Goodnight Jen." I whispered over my shoulder to where the other woman was spooning me, already snuggled in and comfy.

"Goodnight Em." She whispered back, kissing the nape of my neck softly.

"Night moms…" I heard Tegan groan sleepily as she rolled over, feigning frustration that we'd woken her up. Neither JJ or I could see, from the way she'd rolled over, that our daughter had fallen asleep with an indelible smile on her face, looking happier than she'd been in a long time.

**A/N I apologize for any mistakes in here, as I was sort of rushed as I wrote it. I just couldn't wait to get it out there! And as always, reviews are incredibly appreciated! It only takes five or ten seconds to leave one, but reading them gives me a smile that lasts hours and hours…**


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N hello again! Thank you all for your reviews, I wasn't expecting so much support after such a long time between chapters, but I guess I just have the best, the most patient readers out there! One thing that continually surprises me is how, no matter what I'm writing, I come back to writing this one and it feels like coming home. It's a couple months away from this story celebrating it's one-year birthday, and I just want to give all my thanks and a big round of applause (clap, clap, clap…) to everyone who's stuck around since day one, and for everyone who's come on board since! I couldn't have gotten this far without all your reviews, favorites, follows, and reads. So thank you. now without further ado, here's the next installment!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, or any of the characters featured on the show.**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I woke the next morning with a pounding in my forehead and sinuses from the following night. Is it possible for someone to be hung over on feelings? JJ had her arms wrapped around my waist, and I could feel her forehead and nose pressed into my shoulder blade, snuggled against me. Due to the awkward position she was in, the blonde let out the most adorable snores with each breath she took, her warm breath fanning against a spot on my back. Tegan was no longer in my arms, but I heard a clinking and the sound of music coming from the kitchen, and I noted that the sheets had recently been tucked up around JJ and I. It was all so weirdly normal, like last night hadn't even happened. Like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. I grimaced as I sat up and wiped away at the drool on my cheek. Where was the put together diplomat's daughter now? Definitely not here, with sleepy-drool on her cheek, messy, fluffy hair that kept falling in her face, while still wearing the dirty, wrinkled, snot-stained clothing from the day before. Somewhere a long while ago I'd lost her and found me, this frazzled, tired woman who'd suddenly become both someone's mother and someone's lover in a short yet blessedly-hectic period of time. It was just about as messy and whirlwind-esque as my current hairdo.

"You're cute when you drool." Jennifer's raspy nighttime-voice pulled me from my thinking, down to where the dozy blonde was stretching out, waking slowly. I know it sounds cliché, but I couldn't help falling even more in love with her with each glance I took. Her hair was also tousled, but in an adorable, endearing way, her blue eyes were slightly cloudy from sleep, but seemed to reflect the young, white sunlight even more brilliantly, and she just looked so happy. Positively glowing. I chuckled slightly, a little unsure as to how I should respond.

"Uhm.. thanks?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow tiredly in confusion. The radiant blonde took in my expression, before sitting up as well and moving into my lap possessively.

"You look positively confuzzled. It's adorable." She pulled her arms around my neck, nipping and kissing at my lips while looking at me in that specific way that just drives me nuts.

"Confuzzled?" I queried happily, pretending to be completely blindsided by her new word. She giggled cutely, practically melting my heart at her charm. What happened to the roughened, chrome-and-sharp-edges, clean-lines, distant, robot-like, just-the-job agent who would probably be puking in the nearby wastebasket at the sight of me acting so gooey and sweet and domesticated? JJ must've stole her, her and Tegan were a little tag-team in the stealing of who I thought I was. I'd be more affronted by the concept if I wasn't deliriously happy, and if there wasn't a beautiful woman tracing the outlines of my face with her eyes, and a daughter humming away in the kitchen.

"Yeah, it's a word." Jennifer insisted, half-rolling, half-dragging herself in a quite undignified manner until she had her hip half-on-top of mine, her one leg lazily tangled in between mine, and her chest resting lightly upon mine, supporting herself with her one arm so as not to crush me. Of course, her care in not squishing me beneath her didn't stop me from ending up with a mouthful of blonde hair as she whipped her head apart. Cute. Yucky, but still kinda cute. Especially when paired with her shimmering eyes which seemed so full of energy but still holding on to the slightest foggy vestiges of sleep.

"Trust me." The blonde reassured, pecking me on the lips exaggeratedly, narrowly missing smacking into my nose in her enthusiasm.

"I'm. A. Professional." She continued on, punctuating each word with a kiss, as she brought her free hand up to my cheek to deepen them. A little part of my brain wanted to comment that she was a professional media liaison, and that had no pertinence to whether she could make up words, but that part of my brain was often ignored when a pretty blonde, no, MY pretty blonde was kissing me. Thankfully it didn't mind much.

"Mph, whatever you say." I whispered softly when there was a lull in her affections, marveling at how perfect my reflection looked when it was suspended in JJ's shiny rain-drop eyes. Perhaps she just made everything perfect, like King Midas. Except instead of turning to gold when she touched them, they became perfect and whole and pure. Jennifer, likewise, appeared just as lost in my eyes, which would have delighted me except for the fact that she had stopped kissing me as a result of it.

"Come back here." I husked, my words coming out as some weird cross-breed of a plea and a growl. With a mischievous smirk she dived back down, playfully nipping and teasing at my lips as she pressed at my jaw a little, sighing into a kiss that finally lingered longer than a teasing peck. The hand on my face ran through my hair slightly, JJ not even bothering to break the kiss as she curiously stared at how my raven locks curled around her fingers, before venturing back down, drawing letters or symbols or pictures or just meaningless squiggles upon the nape of my neck with flighty digits. Every sensation seemed both delightfully heightened and slightly dulled now, as we continued to wake each other up. The capricious blonde gently parted her own lips, allowing for my imploring tongue to dance against hers. If it was even possible, the new morning changed how JJ even tasted, somehow it was musky and sweet and warmer, if it was possible to taste warmth. Whatever it was, I was addicted to it. I refuse to wake up any other way ever again. The idle hand abandoned her lazy squiggles on the back of my neck, now moving down to my shoulder before freezing slightly. I audibly whined in protest when Jennifer's soft, plush, heaven-sent lips left mine, and she simply placed a finger against my mouth. A signal; be patient.

"Jeeeeenn.." I groaned frustratedly, sitting up ever so slightly. Before I was really aware of what happened, I felt a loose piece of fabric tug over my face as my girlfriend pulled my shirt over my head in one swift motion. Her long fingers danced upon the alabaster skin right beneath the hem of my bra as her lips followed, literally kissing each curved rib upon my chest. So much care, so precise, as if each touch was the only thing on her mind. I was unsure whether I should beg for more, or just beg for her to stay like this forever. Of course, because I'm such a gooey messy sap, I unintentionally went with the latter, feeling my heart swell so full of love with each tender attention and each unguarded gaze. My eyes were getting misty and I'm pretty sure I'm five minutes away from crying. God, what has become of me? She seemed to notice my emotional-ness, because JJ moved her hand to my cheek. The hand she'd been using to support herself.

"Uunph!" I groaned just as JJ squealed since, now that she had no support to lean on, she pitched forward, her chin impacting my sternum, sending a dull kick of pain through my chest.

"Owwwww… Emm…" Jennifer whined, trying to rub her sore chin, but not showing any desire to move either.

"Guys I'd advise finishing up soon, because that shit's sounding kinky and these waffles are getting cold!" Tegan called from the other room, sending both the blonde lying upon my chest and me into a fit of giggles. I'm not sure whether it was funny, the situation we were in, or if I was embarrassed at what my daughter was commenting on.

"I'm not gonna be able to leave this room with a straight face." The blonde sighed in between laughs, leaning forward so that her injured chin was sitting in the valley of my breasts. It's probably just me being all overly-sentimental and emotional again, but something about the sight was so comforting. She seemed so at home, stable. Even if that 'home' was laying upon my chest. I'd never had this stability, never had someone whom I could unintentionally put through hell and still have them look at me with such devotion in their heart. Heck, for all their purported fidelity, I'm pretty sure even a dog would have stopped loving me by now. But Jennifer… Her and I are entwined now. So inseparably tangled together that just being around the other was enough. It hit me just then, with a surprising force, that this was the woman I'd probably marry, and raise little baby siblings for Tegan with, and grow old beside. How did I get so lucky? I have my future right here in front of me. And currently, my future was leaning against one of my satin-covered breasts like it was a pillow, running her finger over the bluish roadmap of veins in my neck just as intently as Reid would study one of his maps.

"I love you so much Jennifer. So, so much." I uttered, placing my free hand, the other was busy rubbing her back beneath her shirt, against her cheek, marveling at the happy sigh it elicited. Jennifer nuzzled my hand ever so slightly, intimately, hovering for a moment there like she needed the contact to breathe, before relaxing and letting me draw my thumb across her rosy, sun-kissed cheek.

"I love you too Emily. So, so, so much and even more." She replied, giving me a soft smile which I felt pressing against my breast through my bra, making me blush furiously and embarrassingly. I chuckled slightly, only the littlest fluttering in my chest that I knew JJ could feel, because she smiled even harder.

"Now let's go, we do have to go to work today, plus I really want waffles." JJ quipped, grinning a youthful, sunny grin as I playfully ruffled her golden crown. The blonde sat up slightly, but not before kissing me on the nose, making sure to bring a similarly lovesick grin to my face. She was just magical, I had never told her that I'd always been a little insecure about my nose, the size, the shape, just one of those little quirks I didn't really like much. She, unknowingly, made me love it. Jennifer grabbed a shirt off the floor from beside the bed and tossed it over to me, and I shoved it over my head before realizing it wasn't the one I wore the day before.

"We need to clean up a bit." I reminded myself out loud, hugging JJ from behind so my front pressed into her back, and so my chin rested upon her shoulder. Two puzzle pieces fitting together.

"Isn't this supposed to be what the houses of new parents look like?" the blonde quipped back cheerily before leaping to her feet, entwining my hand in hers immediately.

"I think that's for parents with newborn babies who scream and cry and refuse to sleep, not fully adult kids who can cook and care for themselves." I reminded her as we finally emerged from the bedroom. After all that earlier, and the infectious cheeriness from the blonde, my headache from earlier was long gone.

"Meh, it's semantics." The younger woman replied easily, before pulling me into the kitchen area to see Tegan dancing spastically along to some upbeat song pouring from the kitchen radio's speakers, while still waving a spatula about in her hands. It was the type of motion which was only awkward and uncoordinated because it was so carefree. She executed a smooth spin to wave the spatula in greeting, before grabbing a few plates of waffles and containers of syrup, whipped cream, and strawberries, juggling the inordinate amount of objects like some highly-skilled circus act as she made her way over to the dinner table. She could definitely waitress if she ever wanted to get a job. That or, we could have her do the same thing balancing on a ball or while riding a tiger, and then she could join the circus. Tegan running away with the circus… nah, no running away for this one. Changed my mind. I'm keeping her around as long as she'll let me. We enjoyed a lighthearted, happy breakfast, complete with Tegan drowning her poor waffles in sugary syrup, and JJ sneak-attacking my nose with a dollop of whipped cream, before I retaliated and ending up with it all down her neck (after which I whispered into her ear about how I was looking forward to licking it off later, causing her to blush beet red). The younger brunette at the table was just on the verge of masterminding some sort of strawberry-catapult to diffuse the world war building between JJ and I, before we all realized the time. Cleaning ourselves up in record time, despite leaving whipped cream-smears all over the dining table, we were out the door and on our way to the BAU. I had almost forgotten what it was like to work, with all the vacation time I'd been getting recently. I kinda missed lazy days at home with my lover and my daughter. Penelope, of course, was the first one to greet us, though surprisingly Tegan practically skipped over to the bubbly blonde to give her a hug.

"Eeek! My favorite crime-fighting couple and my hack-ette in training! How I've missed you guys!" the short woman, today wearing a brightly-colored dress printed with spring flowers, exclaimed exuberantly. And oh, Garcia, how we've missed you too.

"Yeah, the BAU just 'aint the same without you guys!" Morgan came up beside us before giving me a friendly, joking fist-bump before continuing on.

"Boy Genius has missed his audience for his science magic tricks!" speak of the devil, Spencer appeared just as Derek mentioned his name.

"They're _physics_ magic tricks Morgan. Plus I do miss them, because when I showed you that trick and my rocket went off, you jumped like a foot in the air and squealed. Like a girl." Reid insisted, shaking his floppy bangs out of his eyes. Huh, Derek the badass door-kicking cop-turned-agent afraid of an exploding film canister rocket. Valuable information.

"Only because you rolled over my toe with your chair at the same time." He insisted, puffing out his chest and pulling the whole joking-macho-act. My god it's been less than a minute in the building and we're already being swarmed by the team. As jarring as it was, I realized how much I had missed the family dynamic.

"It's okay Der, you're still my Knight-In-Dark-Chocolate-Armor." Garcia interjected, trailing the hand that wasn't around my daughter's shoulders down one of his biceps in a flirting manner, before shooting him a wink from behind her neon-green glasses. The guy pushing his little mail-cart had stopped and started staring at our little commotion in the lobby. As if this was a weird thing for the BAU team. Move on mail-cart-man, it's just a family reunion, nothing unusual here.

"Guys, guys let the girls breathe!" Dave reprimanded in a faux-stern voice before coming out to greet us too, joining in the commotion as Tegan inquired about how to cook the perfect al dente pasta for some dish she'd been dying to try. I wasn't quite useful in that area, because my once-solitary life meant I didn't have too many excuses to cook. Therefore I wasn't the greatest at it, unless we're calling dialling take-out cooking.

"Roundtable room in ten, we've got a case." Hotch peered from the glass doors of the bullpen, showcasing the rarest of grins at our jubilant gathering. Yep, this is why I love these guys. Because when you get them all together you can do anything. One can have a surprise Christmas party thrown in their own house, or one can solve a crime, or one can take over a club, or one can coax a smile from Hotch, or rehabilitate a wayward girl, or even make a family from scratch. As we walked to the roundtable room, chatting amongst the group, with JJ's hand in mine, Morgan's arm around my neck, Reid gesturing vibrantly as he explains the newest foreign film he thinks I'd enjoy, Penelope chattering excitedly, so fast I couldn't hear it, but too energetic for me not to smile about it, and Dave smiling paternally over us all, I just felt like I fit. I'd found my little patch of heaven in this damn stinking world. A place where, even in the middle of an office filled with murder files and manuscripts of interviews with serial killers, I could feel at home. And as weird and, almost twisted, as that sounds, it was perfect. My little twisted, loud, crazy, rambling, psychotic, unique, weird, insane brand of perfect.

**A/N it only takes a second, and I don't bite, so feel free to leave a review! I love them, and they get me to write faster, which means quicker chapters, which means you're happy! So in a way, leave a review, make yourself happy!**


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N sorry for the delay in posting, but I'm a week away from my exams and literally every teacher of mine is trying to wrap up all the lessons before exam time, plus there's studying in there too. I've got one tomorrow (which I should be studying for, but I wanted to finish this chap first) and then the rest are next week, so I probably won't be updating for at least a week until this is all over. But, the good news is that after that I have the whole summer to write!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters affiliated with the show!**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Eight

"Five murders in Amarillo, Texas, all Caucasian males, heavily-built, bodies dumped in the middle of local parking lots overnight. The bodies of Anthony DiCosta, Evan Willoughby, Daniel Kramer, Cortland Zimmerman, and Craig Hollenbeck were found a week apart each, with evidence of torture, wrists bound in packaging ties, and the bodies wrapped in plastic." Hotch briefed the team on our next case while we were hurtling through the skies on our jet. Everyone stared at him intently, so focused that you could practically hear the gears whirring in everyone's mind.

"Five murders and we're only just being notified?" Morgan asked, flipping through the photos of the victims, noting that they all had a similar appearance. Thick, muscular neck and strong shoulders, firm jawline, dark, deep-set eyes, close-cropped brown hair. Ruggedly handsome, as some may say. They all seemed quite strong and would have easily put up a fight if they had to. I wonder how they're being restrained…

"I was told that they didn't believe that they were connected. The local Sherriff's office sounded pretty shaken up by it all though. I'm guessing they were hoping it wasn't as serious as it is." Hotch explained plainly, still flipping through police reports.

"Great, this could have been solved a lot quicker if they'd just stopped hoping and realized they had a problem." Morgan grumbled frustratedly. Hotch shot him a warning glance, causing the man's hardened demeanor to soften slightly. We all knew the feeling, there were always cases where we felt they could be handled better, but we all knew criticizing others wouldn't do any help. We all have to be human sometimes.

"Guys, I think our unsub might be a woman." Reid murmured, sketching something on a notepad of his as his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Why?" Rossi asked. He seemed to know the answer, after all he is a master profiler, but our boy genius looked as if he'd explode if he didn't finish his thought.

"Well, the torture aside, these dump sites are incredibly clean, with the plastic wrap and all. Plus male unsubs tend to kill their victims with guns or knives, or bludgeoning them to death, violent, messy kills. These seem very clean, perhaps they were smothered or poisoned." He speculated, shaking his head as he gesticulated wildly, as if he was pointing to an invisible whiteboard somewhere in the jet. At that moment, the screen of the lone laptop out on the desk chirped happily, and Garcia and Tegan appeared in place of the FBI logo.

"Office of Brilliance, Mistress of Knowledge and the All-Seeing-Sidekick here!" the perky blonde chirped happily as she waved some sort of feathered-pen-thing about.

"Whaddya got for us Hot Mama." Morgan drawled his reply, picking up their easy flirty banter.

"I've got toxicology reports from the Amarillo Sherriff's office on all five vics," she called, scooting on her wheelie-chair across the room, crashing into Tegan's and causing the young woman to squeal in surprise before wheeling around Pen, jostling her chair occasionally like a game of dodgems. Finally, when the giggling blonde made her way over to a screen on the far side of the room, she was back 'on the job'.

"Oookay, victim number one, Mr. DiCosta's toxicology report was essentially useless because the body was sitting out for almost a week in the hot Texan sun before it was discovered. But every other one pinged for a drug called Fentanyl." She read out, manicured nails tapping furiously against the keyboard as she spoke, almost drowning out the sound of her exuberant voice.

"Fentanyl?" Reid asked confusedly, flipping through his mental file folders for the correct one.

"Uhm." Tegan cleared her throat slightly, shuffling a little closer to the camera.

"It's a painkiller, opioid. About 100 times more powerful than morphine. It's supposed to act like heroin, except fewer hallucinations and more of a sedative effect. It causes some problems on the street because of how easy it is to OD on." She avoided looking directly into the camera, shifting about guiltily. It took me a second to realize why she was uncomfortable. The reference to her old life. The drugs. I suddenly wished I was there with her so I could comfort her, because she suddenly seemed so afraid of judgement.

"So it can be purchased without a paper trail?" Morgan twirled a pencil in his fingers while thinking.

"Uhm, yeah…" she muttered softly.

"Thanks Hon, that's actually a lot of help!" I added in, trying to cheer her up. Her raven and silver-tipped head whipped upwards in surprise.

"Really?" she asked, shocked. I could swear that the hint of a smile upon her face was pride.

"Sure thing Mini-Prentiss! Knowing the drug and its uses gives us just one more thing for my Babygirl here to look up and track! If it's illegal our unsub could have a record, and if it's OTC then there's a record of it somewhere!" Morgan joined in, causing Tegan to blush.

"W-well I'm glad to be of service." She nodded slightly before wheeling offscreen. Penelope signed off with her usual flourish, as well as a promise to type fentanyl into her computers and see if anything pinged. I hesitated for a moment, fretting over my daughter's reaction when Derek flashed me a quick glance.

"It's not easy to get over." He murmured, placing his hand on his knee before moving off into a separate corner of the jet to review the paperwork. JJ had remained silent the whole time, instead scribbling notes upon a pad of paper as to what she should include in a preliminary press briefing. I gently jostled her shoulder, jolting her out of her reverie before moving her over to the couch, upholstered a warm cream color like the rest of the jet, to take a seat. She sighed heavily, sitting across from me with her feet curled up at my thighs and her head leaning against the wall of the plane.

"Em?" she inquired breathily. Her eyes seemed to stare right past me, their usually clear depths curdled and milky with a worry that was as obvious to me as a smack in the face.

"Yeah Jayje?" I replied, reaching over to grasp her hand in mine, intertwining our fingers as if she'd disappear if I didn't.

"Do you ever get a feeling that this case isn't going to be easy?" Her voice seemed detached from her mind, as if she was speaking without putting any thought in it whatsoever, just her deepest thoughts and the outside world, no middleman. I struggled with how I should respond, not wanting to worry her but not exactly able to deny the own foreboding feeling tingling within my chest.

"Every time we get into this jet." I murmured, squeezing our interlaced hands. The team continued to toss out ideas along those lines, Reid scribbling something on an imaginary white-board while Rossi wove a little gold chain, the meaning of which was untold as of yet, through his fingertips. I simply sat with JJ in my lap, both of my arms snuggling her around the waist while reading an ME's report over her shoulder. We knew that as soon as the plane hit tarmac we'd be in business-mode, so it was nice to soak up what few moments of intimacy we could. Within the hour we were unlacing our hands as the BAU parted the red sea of reporters outside of the small sheriff's office. A broad-shouldered man with tired eyes, major 5'o clock shadow, and a beige state police uniform greeted us at the door with firm handshakes.

"Hey y'all, I'm Deputy Carson Welles, we're all real glad to have you guys here." He murmured, desperation inching slightly into his voice.

"Sheriff Delmonte's off on a call right now, people 'round here are pretty freaked out, but I can get y'all anything you need?" he led us through the lobby, crowded with more media personnel swinging microphones like clubs, and into an equally hectic office space, with phones ringing shrilly and interns and young officers calling across the room, just as shrilly.

'Okay, we need a room and some boards to start putting information up on. As well, we need you to open all your files for our analyst in Quantico." Hotch efficiently fired back, while the Deputy murmured something about getting that all in order for him. In about ten minutes, we had our own port in the storm so to say, a little back room with all the information we needed, and a direct line to Penelope.

"I've got a bad feeling about this one Hotch." Morgan muttered, watching Reid scribble arrows and compass grids and concentric circles all over a map of the area, trying to discern god-knows-what. Before the suited man could reply, Reid interjected perkily, pushing an irksome lock of his long brown hair behind his ear with his long, bony fingers.

"Actually, from the obvious 'type' that this unsub has, their apparent knowledge of medication, and the tight location in which the men were taken from, as well as the local dumpsites actually makes it fairly easy to narrow down a profile. As it was mentioned on the jet earlier, the clean, almost careful disposal of the bodies implies that the unsub is a woman. She could perhaps seduce our victim, get them alone, and then subdue them with a dose of fentanyl. The dumpsite makes it fairly easy to simply toss a body from the back of a car, so she wouldn't need to be particularly physically strong, plus the few sites that the victims were last seen at also had easy automobile access. So she's mobile, fairly well educated, and has some sort of personal connection to a man who looks like these victims." He finished breathlessly, picking the hair from his face once again before harrumphing in defeat and turning back to his board. JJ murmured _'haircut'_ under her breath amusedly before excusing herself to go deal with the massive horde of reporters that were seemingly duplicating before our eyes. Did the media just have extras on standby or were these people being flown in from neighbouring counties? Hotch didn't even feel the need to comment, just gave Derek a look that said _get back to work_ before dipping out of the room to talk to the deputy who'd greeted us earlier.

"Greetings all you lovely people in the land of Tay-haas! It's the ever-popular Penny G Network, where calling in will nab you a creepy-creeper in one week or less! My satisfaction rate is through the roof…" An oh-so familiar voice crackled through the little Bluetooth phone-speaker-type thing that all police stations seemed to have.

"Hey Babygirl, can you get me something?" Derek leaned over to talk into the speaker, a sly smirk appearing on his face as they slipped into their repertoire of casual flirting.

"Oh, anything for you Sweet Thang. Hit me!" I took a seat at the table while Reid muttered something to the darker-skinned man.

"Can you use your little face-matching-magic software to see if there are any similarities between our vics and anything past recorded? And cross check any names you get with arrests or incidents involving fentanyl." Reid pointed to a wide blue circle on the map before interjecting.

"Plus look for names that are in a five-mile radius of any of the abduction or dumpsites. This unsub likes staying local." He added helpfully.

"Mmkay, Fentanyl, five miles, and a little dash of my microprocessor magic, coming right up! I'll hit you back with the results!" she chirped happily, fingers already whirring against the keyboard at a speed too rapid for me to comprehend.

"You'd better!" Morgan added, chuckling a bit before hanging the phone up, just as JJ whirled in, looking about as haggard as she did the night after the Hankel case. And it had only been a few minutes.

"I've done my best, but the press is sensationalizing the heck out of this. Without a preliminary profile I won't be able to hold them off much longer, they're already coming up with nicknames for the killer." JJ murmured, tucking into my side comfortingly as she talked.

"Well we're pretty damn close to a preliminary profile-" Morgan was about to say as Hotch re-entered the room brusquely.

"We'll have to deliver it later, they've found another body." He interjected tensely, already re-buttoning his suit jacket and gesturing for the rest of us to follow. I had a feeling that this case wasn't going to be an open-shut one, and I worried about leaving Tegan for too long. I know that she was healing well and she was fairly independent and I probably sound crazy and overbearing just by simply thinking it, but I worried. I would always worry. JJ squeezed my hand soothingly, reading me so well that I was almost worried I'd been speaking out loud without knowing it.

"Call her on the way to the scene, just to check in. If anything it'll calm your nerves." She murmured secretively, eyes darting back then forth before pressing a quick kiss to my cheek, with the promise of more lingering for later.

"I've got to stay behind and wrangle the media, stay safe Sweets." She reminded, flashing a tense smile before whirling around to confront the vultures. The two of us didn't quite have the whole romance-at-work dynamic down pat, so it was a little awkward, but we were working on it. We got through so much, this won't stop us at all. I did as she urged, dialling Pen's number and asking her to put my daughter on the line.

"Hey Hon." I murmured a greeting as I heard a sleepy yawn on the other end of the line. I had momentarily forgotten that firstly, we were on different time zones, and secondly, my daughter naps like a little cat. I find she's always a little more tired when I'm away on a case, and I can only suppose it's due to stress.

"Hi Mom, what's up? Is something wrong? Is JJ okay?" she asked in rapid-fire succession, suddenly sounding much more awake than she'd been seconds ago. A crash resounded on her end of the line and it sounded as if she'd knocked something over in her panicked flurry.

"Everyone's fine Tegan, just worried that this case is going to run a little long and I missed your voice." I soothed, jumping in the back of a waiting SUV and ignoring the few questioning looks I was given as they saw me on the phone.

"Oh, okay. Actually I kinda wanted to talk to you about something." Her voice was nervous and awkward and tentative, as if she worried I'd react poorly. On the other hand, I was curiously wracking my mind as to what this talk might be about.

"Okay, what's up Buttercup?" I mentally smirked at the rhyme, something that the old me would scoff at. I noticed Rossi signalling that we were almost at the scene, and I mentally cursed the fact that everything in a small town was ten minutes from each other.

"Umm…" she trailed off uncomfortably, causing my stomach to drop nervously. Was this bad news? What could be so unnerving that she's this hesitant? I thought we were surmounting the trust issues?

"I can't tell you right now. I want to talk to you in person if that's okay? When you're back from this case? Like, I don't want to ask this over the phone." She murmured quietly, almost ashamedly, while I brightened a little.

"Of course Sweetie. It'll be the first thing I do when I get back, okay?" I added, listening to her sigh from relief on the other end of the line. A few more breaths passed, but I was just content to listen to her gather herself for a few seconds. Every little thing she did was amazing to me, and not exactly in the cliché-keeps-every-art-project-the-child's-made-si nce-Kindergarten-and-acts-like-their-macaroni-scul pture-is-a-museum-worthy-piece, but in the way where I think where she came from, how she started. I remember that raspy, skeletal, jaundiced pile of bones with the sharp tongue whom I'd met in the hospital bed almost a year ago, and she doesn't even compare to the daughter I have now. Sure, she's still occasionally guarded and dodgy about her past, but she dances and makes waffles and smiles and laughs and has joy in her life.

"Okay Mom, love you, bye." She murmured before hanging up, hardly giving me the time to say goodbye. I shrugged it off, reminding myself that she got a bit peculiar when she was stressed, and that we'd be saying 'hello' again soon enough that it really didn't matter too much. I slipped the phone back into its holster on my belt and settled into my seat in the car. I barely had a second or two of silence before Hotch turned around in his seat to face me.

"Are you two doing okay?" he asked, a hint of concern shining within his cold eyes. I knew he had a right to concern, he was already struggling with the super-dad angle of his, balancing work and family, and from my understanding it had sparked a couple fights between him and Haley.

"I think so." I murmured softly, not really talking to anyone in particular, simply voicing the thoughts I hoped were true.

**A/N what do you guys think Tegan wants to tell Emily? What's got her so nervous? And what's the feedback on the case? I don't write a lot of cases, so I truly hope it turns out properly!**


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N Yay! Exams are done, school is done for another year, and I have a whole two months of summer to do nothing but write and relax (and do advanced English summer projects) and write some more! This fic is coming up on its one year-birthday (or is it an anniversary… whatever, it's my baby, and it's getting a birthday) and I feel like I'm getting close to the end. Either that, or I'm just getting fed up with writing cases since they're really not my favorite part to write. Anyway, there's still going to be a bunch more chapters to go, because I still have oodles of things left to cover! And speaking of covering things… I was hoping to fit in the Emily/Tegan chat you were all anticipating in this chapter, but this case is getting the better of me so I'll have to put it off. To compensate though, there's some Jemily fluffy cuteness! Hope all is well with everyone out there reading! Don't forget to review, each one I receive causes me to drop everything, read them over, and grin like a happy-go-lucky grinning dork for the rest of the day!**

**-Nightshade**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, because apparently if I owned it there would be a lot fewer criminals, because evidently writing cases isn't really my forte.**

Get Through

Chapter Thirty-Nine

The boiling Texan sun beat down on us mercilessly as I stepped from the SUV, making me glad I had a pair of sunglasses on hand. It was so disgustingly hot that I could barely hear the drone-buzz of the cicadas over the pounding in my ears. We ended up in the parking lot of a local, small-town K-mart, the type that was so small-town that they stocked hunting supplies next to the aisle with women's shoes, and where boxes of crackers and trail mix shared display stands with children's toys and drill bits. All-in-one. The portion of the parking lot furthest to the sliding entry doors was cordoned off with yellow crime tape, and the stink of putrid flesh became evident as an acrid tingling in the back of my nose. I followed along with Hotch, Rossi, Reid and Morgan, to where a few officers in tan polyester uniforms and a garish yellow tarp blocked our view of the body.

"What do we got?" Morgan called as he approached the officers, stealing their attention away from the tarp-covered corpse in front of them.

"Terry Whitacre, local handyman, exact same MO as the other five. Packing ties, signs of torture but no visible cause of death, and as for the time of death, the ME will confirm, but judging by the smell," the officer coughed and paled a bit to illustrate his point, wrinkling his nose in aversion. "He's probably been out here for a day or two." The other officers had the familiar grimaces that all of us at the BAU recognized, officers that, despite lengthy careers on the force, had never had to deal with a murder case. We saw it all the time in these sleepy, small towns. Murders hit harder here, they rarely came around, so everyone was less mentally prepared. Besides the officer's expressions, we were also attentive to the surroundings of the scene, looking for anything suspicious about the scene. Unsubs always leave something behind, some little subconscious clue which will eventually let us know who they are.

"The scene's pretty clean overall." Hotch commented, Reid nodding exaggeratedly as the evidence matched his theory.

"Another characteristic of female killers…" the genius muttered as he scanned the horizon.

"There's nothing out here that would make our unsub choose this parking lot over any other in the area…" Morgan growled frustratedly, kicking a piece of gravel and sending it skittering across the parking lot, landing somewhere over by the doors of the K-mart. The doors. I silently started off to the doors, to the bold-font sign that seemed standard no matter how many stores you visited. Hours of operation. I checked my watch for confirmation; it was Monday today, meaning that the body was dumped on a Saturday or a Sunday, coincidentally the days that the store closed earliest, at 8:30 pm.

"Guys, I think I know why they may have picked this place." I called, slowly raising my voice to catch their attention.

"Morgan, have Garcia check the hours of operation of all the stores whose parking lots were used as dumpsites." I called, watching it dawn upon the other profilers. Of course, an unsub would want to have a dumpsite that was as deserted as possible, especially one that had some sort of deadline… Hotch looked up at me expectantly before calling orders out to the other team members on site.

"Emily, go back to the station, get JJ, and head out to Whitacre's home, canvas the neighborhood and see if there's anything suspicious in his belongings. Reid, you go to the ME's, see if you can get info on the previous vics and get the cause of death and work-up on this latest one, Morgan, Rossi and I will head back to the station and polish the preliminary profile up so we can present it to the officers." We all hopped back into the one SUV, since we'd only brought the one. The ME's office was in the next county, and as opposed to hitching a ride with the coroner and ending up stranded, Reid was going to need his own car to drive there and back in. I felt the knot of anticipation within my stomach grow, stretching like an elastic band until I felt like my internal organs were on the brink of snapping in half. I just wanted this case to be over with so I could be home. Tegan sounded shaken up, and she wanted to talk to me, but I couldn't talk to her until I got home. Somehow that felt like I was neglecting some duty of mine, like being here as opposed to home with my daughter was wrong. Either way there was business to be taken care of here, and I couldn't get home until that is done. One can't get anywhere upon wishful thinking alone. Literally as soon as the SUV pulled up to the police station I jumped out and jumped into the SUV that JJ was already sitting in. The blonde looked like she was wound up tighter than a spring, stressed as ever.

"Ugh, these reporters are killing me! Do you know they've already nicknamed the unsub? They have! Every news channel you go to they have ongoing coverage on the 'K-mart Killer' investigation! I mean the name's not even accurate, only two of the bodies were dumped in K-mart parking lots! Sure they claim that each dumpsite was within a two-mile radius of the nearest K-mart, but those things are everywhere! Finding a K-mart in this town appears to be like finding a Tim Horton's in Canada, there's one every half-mile! It's like the company sponsored this place or something! I mean they won't stop badgering for breaking news or the slightest detail which their rival stations may not have been privy to, it's sick! Why don't we just let them all fight over the victim's bodies like the vultures they act like?" the ranting woman took a deep breath to calm herself, doing some little Zen-centering-thing and sheepishly meeting my gaze once more.

"Sorry-erm-I'm calm now-ugh-I swear." she stuttered a little, trying to get the words out of her lips before settling upon an awkwardly cute wave hello. Regardless of the fact that I was two feet away from her and I had been in the car for almost a minute by now.

"Hey you." I greeted, burying my earlier apprehension and leaning across the middle of the car to give my girlfriend a quick peck on the cheek. Now, I'm not sure whether it was the tension in my voice when I greeted her, or the stance of my body, or the slight glaze upon my eyes, or the rigidity of my lips as I went to kiss her, but almost immediately JJ knew something was wrong. She quirked her eyebrow inquisitively, asking me without really asking, leaving the option open for me to pretend I didn't notice and bury the topic for now. Certainly it'd be talked about eventually, but she understood that sometimes the only way I dealt with things was hiding them for a bit. On the other hand, I knew how much she worried and how it still hurt her when I shut her out, so I'd been inadvertently forced to become better at… ugh, talking.

"I miss Tegan." I murmured softly, our faces still inches apart, so JJ could surely see all the openness and emotion in my eyes. Plus a little bit of fear, because I'm still not really used to this sharing feelings thing. I swore I heard a little "aww" trapped within Jennifer's throat before she leaned forward and captured my pouted lips in a kiss. Like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, our lips fit together, Jennifer's sweet pink ones capturing my upper lip in a duel perhaps a tad too ardent for a workplace environment. But the SUV had tinted windows and was locked from the inside, so no one would notice. Hopefully. Her one hand had removed itself from the steering wheel and was currently resting upon my cheek, the pads of her fingers rhythmically rubbing little circles upon my jaw which were unconsciously in time with the movements of her lips against mine. I eagerly parted my lips to swallow her moan, letting the kiss progress and deepen as her tongue slipped against mine, teeth scraping against lips roughly. I felt an armrest or a gearshift or something digging into my ribs and I tried to move my position, causing JJ to shift accordingly. A movement that, caused her hand to fly out to steady herself. The kiss snapped apart suddenly when the blaring of the car's horn roared out. JJ's cheeks were bright red as she removed her hand from where it had accidentally landed on the horn button in the middle of the steering wheel.

"Oops?" she chuckled softly, grinning ear-to-ear with a mischievous smile. It was dazzling. She was blushing so hard that her entire face was practically pink, from her little reddened nose to the very tips of her ears, and all the way down her neck past the collar of her blouse. I had the urge to pepper every small portion of pinked skin with kisses, but I also figured the horn going off was also a sign from the above that what we were doing was getting off the key of professional.

"That was supposed to be sweet and encouraging…" the blonde muttered bashfully, coyly avoiding eye contact as she fiddled with the top button on her blouse.

"Oh it was encouraging all right, I feel very, very encouraged to do a few things…" I trailed off in a flirting manner, wiggling my one eyebrow and making it dance exaggeratedly while I attempted a cocky smirk. It was so overblown that I knew it would cause the sweet blonde to start laughing all over again.

"I'm just getting too old for the whole making-out-in-a-car thing." I groaned, rubbing the spot on my ribs where whatever that jabbed me had jabbed me. For good measure I pretended to clasp at an aching lower back, adding a touch of drama to my actions to reassure her I wasn't in fact injured.

"Well I suppose I should have known what I was getting in to when I started dating an older woman." JJ fired back, settling into her seat and twisting the key in the ignition, spurring the sleek black car to life with a muted snarl. I pretended to be all downcast and depressed that she'd brought up the age-thing; I mean, a couple of years didn't hurt! Or maybe it was closer to seven years… my birthday may be in a week or two, but I'm still going with seven.

"I'm looking on the bright side though, in only a couple of years you'll be eligible for the senior's discount at Walgreens. We'll save so much money…" she murmured dreamily, smiling as if that had been her motive behind our relationship the whole time.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure that the 10% off of Band-Aids and toilet paper is really gonna be worth it." I snapped, getting a little huffy about my age. I knew it was all in good fun of course, and that JJ was only teasing because she enjoyed getting a rise out of me. If only she wasn't so damn good at it…

"Hey Hon, it's okay. I love you even if you are old." She smirked, blowing me a kiss while keeping her eyes on the road.

"Only because you and Tegan are causing me to age prematurely." I muttered mutinously. It was only partly true, because it was no coincidence that literally five days after Tegan moved into my house that I found my first silver hair hidden among my dark brunette locks. And if anyone, _ahem JJ,_ brings it up, I did not start crying at the sight of it. Emily Prentiss is a badass who never cries and who is immortal and impervious to aging… at least as long as hair dye still exists.

"And, as a side note, you do realize you used the word 'dating' to refer to our relationship, yet we have yet to have had an official date. We sort of became the personification of the lesbian U-Haul joke." I nearly gasped when JJ said that, she was right! How have we never been on a date? I mean, it's been almost a year that we've been in a relationship and we've never been on one date? And of course I knew it was almost a year, as a closeted romantic I never forget an anniversary.

"Yeah, I suppose we went straight from the 'acquaintance' stage to the 'pseudo-married with one kid' stage. Didn't anyone ever tell us we're doing it wrong?" I chuckled, realizing how backwards we'd had it. I mean all we were missing was the dog and the white picket fence. A part of me was just glad that the topic of discussion was no longer my ever-increasing age and my slow demise into a period of senior-hood filled with my youthful partner driving me insane, my older daughter driving me insane, and the combined total of grey hairs they would be causing driving me insane. I should invest in a hair dye company…

"Of course not, there's no doing it wrong when it comes to love Babe. There's just… Unorthodox." She smiled happily, pulling up to a semi-detached house with crime tape across the door. The Whitacre residence.

"Well then," I hopped out of the SUV and walked over to where JJ was still climbing out on the other side before blocking her in, keeping us slightly hidden from possible onlookers. Nosy neighbors who have nothing better to do than sit on their front porch and watch their dead neighbor's empty house, dog walkers and joggers who like to pretend they're all wrapped up in their own little world of running and music-listening and puppy-minding but really are watching your every move, and then the women with baby strollers or toddlers on those little kid-leashes who are all up in the town gossip and would love to shoot weird looks at two federal agents making out in front of a crime scene. You visit enough of these scenes, and they start to get predictable.

"We're the most unorthodox-est of them all." I murmured, pulling her in at the waist for a kiss. The feel of her giggling against my lips was possible one of the most adorable, most addictive thing out there. Like seriously, this woman is too perfectly incredible. Even her flaws and little slip-ups were endearing.

"Wouldn't have it any other way." She whispered, mouths so close that I could taste the words against my tongue. It was so intimate, so perfect, and I couldn't help but count the seconds until.. those.. lips.. touched.. mine. And at that second, there could have been a horde of snoopy porch-watching neighbors, or jogging dog-walkers who fake the whole 'just passing by' gig, or mothers with restraints on their children so they could gawk and gab freely, and I wouldn't care. Even a full head of grey hair couldn't make me give any thought to the outside world. Because that's how distracting, how mind-blowingly amazing, how deliciously addictive Jennifer Jareau's undercover sneaking-around-at-work kisses were. Without even exaggerating, they made the whole entire world stop, and relax, and forget all their troubles, such as missing their adult daughter back home, and just be happy.


End file.
